


Finding Our Way In This New World

by LaLunaWritesStuff



Series: Findings [2]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Blood, Canon-Typical Violence, Children, Conspiracy, Domestic Fluff, Family, M/M, Organized Crime, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Secret Relationship, mentions of abuse, parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-16 16:53:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 49,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8110147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaLunaWritesStuff/pseuds/LaLunaWritesStuff
Summary: (a spin-off to "Finding Angels in Hell")An attack on New York's heroes leads them to uncover a conspiracy so dark and so deeply ingrained into society, there's nothing but tragedy to find. Or is there?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So there we are O.O I am pretty nervous and I think I went over this chapter a bazillion times. Some important things first:
> 
> 1 If you haven't read "Finding Angels in Hell", don't you worry. You can read just this work. 
> 
> 2 If you want to know details of what's going on (beware, it's dark!), but feel like 50+ chapters it too much, you find the key plot points in the [ Prologue and first chapter ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3938143/chapters/8824405) , (the last half of) [ chapter 23 ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3938143/chapters/11733704) and [ chapters 52 and 53 ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3938143/chapters/17014815) That should set you up for this story =)
> 
> 3 Obviously Steve and Bucky's story will deal with some different things than Wade and Peter's had, so just a heads-up: we will explore trauma, PTSD, abuse, night terrors, anger issues, discrimination of all sorts and some violence. Nothing will be overly explicit or gross (most of the things even just hinted at), after all its to paint a realistic picture of the story, not to make you greet your breakfast again. 
> 
> Alright, that was a lot of talking, thanks for making it through! Now have fun reading <3

Steve stared at the tablet computer in his hand. The thing was no thicker than a magazine, and just as lightweight, and so easy to crush or at least crack the screen.  
He wasn’t sure he could do any of this even if he wanted to.  
All strength seemed to have drained from his body, seeped all the way down into his shoes where it had turned to lead, weighing him down and rendering him immobile. 

Peter Parker left the gym where he’d found Steve to tell him about the child.  
_His_ child. 

Ever since they learned of those twisted people calling themselves scientists, who used their stolen DNA to engineer babies, they’d all done whatever they could to stop them. They uncovered a network of drugs, prostitution and child pornography, reaching as far as the US military.  
Teams from all over the world worked together to find bases, and destroy them in one strike. 

The aftermath had been even more terrifying than they could have come up with in their wildest dreams. 

There were children, mostly boys, who had implants in their brains, controlling them with electric shocks and hormone cocktails, making them the perfect killing machines. There were women, barely alive, used as breeding machines and as soon as that didn’t work anymore, they were sold off into prostitution or murder parties to fund the experiments.  
There were babies with mutant powers almost too strong for them to handle, and heroes suddenly turned parents, with responsibilities almost crushing them. 

And now Steve was one of them. 

He was cold all over and jerked his head away when a familiar metal hand gave him a gentle tap on the cheek.  
“Didn’t mean to startle you. You with me again?” Bucky asked, his brows furrowed. They stood toe to toe, both in workout gear.  
“Yeah,” Steve whispered, looking down between them where his fingers still clutched the tablet. Bucky gently pried it out of Steve’s hold to prevent it from breaking, only briefly glancing at the data on the screen. A muscle in his cheek jumped and for just a split second his lips pressed into a thin line.  
“’M sorry. Come here,” he said quietly, his hands sliding onto Steve’s shoulders, guiding him into an embrace. Steve held onto his lover’s hips, eternally grateful that Bucky was always therre for him like this. Not pressing, not demanding, just opening his arms and giving him a moment to be weak like Steve couldn’t be with anybody else. Because Bucky was strong enough for both of them.  
“I have to go there.”  
“I know. Take your time.”  
Steve nodded, forcing himself to let go of Bucky and step back, because as much as Steve would like to cling to him, they had agreed on keeping their relationship private. Sure, Bucky was living with Steve, but they played it off as Bucky wanting to be close to somebody who could keep him safe and prevent the Winter Soldier from slipping up and going rogue.  
They both knew the likelihood of that to happen was close to 0 per cent.  
Bucky’s bedroom on their private floor high up in the tower has long been abandoned, both of them sharing Steve’s bed now. 

 

The very same one that Steve lay awake in for most of the night, staring at the ceiling and trying to make sense of his thoughts. But nothing made sense. 

 

The following afternoon, he took the train to the suburbs and then a bus as close to the place as he could get, then walked the rest. Mainly because taking his bike would literally be moving too fast.  
The trip allowed him to think, but he soon realized it also tortured him into thinking. 

Steve didn’t have the guts to look at the little girl’s picture again. It was on his phone now, together with the child’s ID number and coordinates to the orphanage as well as a formal invitation to come visit.  
At this point, no visitors were allowed yet, only ... parents. 

On the way there all kinds of scenarios played in Steve’s mind. She wasn’t a little baby any more, maybe one and a half or two years old already. 

Had the scientists experimented on her?  
Meddled with her mind like they had with the boy who had to get brain surgery?  
Had some sick individual paid money to have her for a few hours and do god knows what to her?  
Had she suffered so much that there was no innocence left in her eyes anymore, just the grim realization that the world was a horrible place?  
Had she ever experienced kindness or love?  
What if she couldn’t trust anyone ever again?  
What if she was so hostile that she was a danger to herself?  
What if she understood who Steve was and hated him?  
Hated that she was ever born ...

Shaky with nerves and with an aching lump where his stomach should be, Steve finally arrived at the orphanage. He hadn’t ever been a coward, but for the split second before he pressed his index finger to the buzzer on the gate, his mind entertained the thought of just leaving again.  
“ID?” a male voice asked through the speaker next to the gate.  
“Rogers, 2 3 8 7 9 4,” Steve answered, reading the girl’s number from his phone. A beep sounded and the gate swung open. 

The fence had been blocking off the view – it was no doubt laced with all kinds of StarkTech – and Steve was surprised to see a very neatly kept garden sprawling around the house. There were lots of colorful flowers in various sized pots around the front of the house, and Steve could guess the backyard would look similar.  
The house itself was pretty as well, an old fashioned villa that had gotten a new coat of pastel yellow paint. The massive double doors were probably antiques, but with a new varnish making the dark wood glisten.  
They swung open as soon as Steve set a foot down on the first step, and he was greeted by two security men that looked like they’d even be a bit of a struggle for him to overcome. They patted him down and let him walk through a metal detector, then he had to empty his pockets into a bowl.  
“You’ll get everything back when you leave,” one guy told him and Steve didn’t want to argue with him. He would have liked to have a different photo of the girl, but he might as well just ask the nannies. 

One of the women working here – and Steve knew that beyond the main hall all staff members were women – waited for him at the foot of a massive staircase. Funny enough it was secured by plastic gates at the top and bottom.  
“Hello, welcome to Dahlia Hall, I’m Ella,” she introduced the house and herself, and shook Steve’s hand. She was young, maybe just finished school, but there was something about her grip, or maybe about her stance, that told Steve she had some experience with martial arts. Good, he thought, those kids needed all the protection they could get.  
“Hello, Steve Rogers,” he said and thought she had a nice smile. The kids probably liked her a lot, she had this kind look to her.  
“So, you're here to see one of our children?” she asked, as if giving him one last chance to back out. Steve wondered if anyone's ever done just that before. Gone so far and then chickened out last minute. He really wanted to. But he had never been one to back down.  
“Yes. I … I got the message yesterday and … well … came here ...” he stammered, completely unable to hide his nerves.  
“Let's sit for a moment, shall we?” Ella proposed and led him to a small room next to the staircase, which was full of folders, stacked in high shelves lining one whole wall. There was a sleek looking computer on the single desk, and some files were scattered on the surface in front of the monitor. Ella swooped them all up and tapped the edges onto the desk to line them all up before putting them into the shelf.  
“First, let me just say that we really appreciate each and every parent coming here to meet the kids. We know it's very hard. So, thank you.”  
“Of course,” Steve muttered, taking a seat after Ella sat down at the desk, tapping the monitor with her index finger.  
“Do you have any questions?”  
“I … well … is she okay?”  
Ella smiled, a warm, nice smile, and turned the monitor. There was the photo again, the little girl staring into the camera with big blue eyes, looking so small and so thin that it almost hurt Steve, reminding him of his past being so frail. Next to the picture neat lines of data appeared, but Steve couldn't make much sense of them at the moment.  
“She was rescued from one of the bases and brought to a hospital right away, at that point she was unfortunately unconscious. Aside from some minor lacerations on her head she didn't suffer any injuries. We assume she got those during the extraction.”  
Steve watched as more pictures appeared on the screen, this time taken in a hospital room. The little girl's skin was dark with ash and dirt, her hair matted, and there was blood on her face. She was laying on a green sheet and wore a hospital gown.  
Ella continued after a moment.  
“The doctors diagnosed malnutrition, dehydration, several older fractures on her fingers and toes, and obviously underweight.”  
Steve tried really hard not to show how much it hurt him to hear this, but maybe he wasn't good at it, because Ella looked at him and turned the screen away again.  
“This much we can say for her physical health. Since she came here about one and a half weeks ago, she's improved in weight, her lacerations are healing accordingly, and she's almost caught up on all her shots. Unfortunately she doesn't talk very well, which might be because she's never really had to, wherever she's been before. She seems very smart, though, and even excels at all performed psychological tests.”  
Steve nodded along, but he really wanted to order nobody tested around with her for a while. The poor little thing had to endure so much, and even though people seemed nice here and helped her, she still had to deal with all that testing and procedures.  
“Could I see her?” he asked then, thinking that he'd probably never be ready for it, so he might as well go for it.  
“Of course, of course,” Ella said quickly, getting up and gesturing for him to follow. Steve thought that there might have been more opportunities for him to leave during their private talk. 

 

“She’s waiting for you in a seperate room. I will stay with you two,” she said and Steve did feel a bit better. He has never had much contact with kids, aside from maybe getting to hold one for the propaganda pictures.  
They made their way through a hallway to the left, passing some closed doors. It was overall pretty quiet in the house, which should be unusual for a place filled with children. Then again it might just be nap time right now, Steve couldn't be sure.  
Ella stopped in front of a door that looked just like any other, and reached for the doorknob.

“Wait,” Steve blurted out. He knew he was blushing but he couldn’t help it, he was too embarrassed to even ask. “What ... what do I say?”  
“How about hello?” she answered with a smirk, and Steve tried to smile but failed. “Don’t worry,” Ella whispered and opened the door to a bright room. There was a dining table in one corner, with chairs around it and some paper and pens on top – clearly for adults to work on. About halfway into the room a fluffy beige rug began to line the floor and on the far wall there were bins and two big shelves full of toys and books. One wall was decorated with a blackboard and a bucket full of small chalk pieces stood next to it.  
There was a dollhouse on the floor and a display with all kinds of dolls next to it. In front of it sat a little girl in a pale orange dress and white socks. Steve noticed a small set of slippers next to the door, so it must be a rule of the house to take the slippers off while playing. 

She noticed Steve, then, turning to him and staring. Her eyes were just a big and bright blue like in the picture. She was holding one of the dolls, a brand new one by the looks of it, with long blonde hair. The girl's own hair was quite short, not even reaching her shoulders.

“Hi,” was all Steve could say, and the girl observed him as he sat down on the floor with her.  
“Hi,” the girl replied, before she looked at the floor. She really was shy, Steve thought, but that was not what brought him close to tears.  
She looked so much like his mother.  
It hurt.  
It was beautiful.  
“I’m Steve,” he said slowly, leaning in so he could maybe catch her eyes again.  
“Hi, Steeb,” she said and her voice was quiet and very sweet. Steve remembered that she didn’t have a name at all and felt a little bad. He’d have to change that as soon as possible. Those people had only waited on naming her because he’d agreed to meet her so soon. 

There still was a faint bruise visible on her left shoulder and cheek, and she had a few big band-aids on her arms. A long scar trailed up her left shin to her knee, healed long ago and now only a pink jagged line.  
“Hey, can I have a doll, too?” Steve asked carefully, keeping his voice soft as to not scare her. He was intimidating enough for such a small person.  
”Yeah,” she almost whispered, reaching into a basket on the other side of the dollhouse and pulling out a slim doll with a purple dress. It was a different one than she had – hers looked more like a toddler, chubby and cute, while Steve's was a slim version in a ball gown.  
“Oh, I like this one, it's real pretty.”  
“Yeah.”

And so they played, while Ella watched over both of them and perhaps noted how inexperienced Steve was with children. The girl didn’t speak much, and from the few words she could say it was clear that she had some trouble pronouncing, each word seeming unfamiliar on her tongue. But they got along somehow and had a tea party with the dolls, then decorated their house and put them to bed.  
Too soon Ella announced that the visiting hours were almost over and Steve had to leave the girl again.  
“Can we play again soon?” he asked when the two of them started to tidy the play area up again, putting tiny tea cups and plates, plastic cakes and sundaes back into a box.  
“Yeah,” she said, taking the doll back from him and placing it back into the basket. She dared to look up at him and Steve did his best to smile at her. “You ... come back? Steeb?” she asked cautiously, and Steve briefly touched her little hands.  
“I will, very soon. Promise.”  
“Pwomiss,” she whispered and showed a smile that made Steve’s heart ache.  
They said their goodbyes then, which was just a careful handshake, then Steve and Ella left the room again. 

“She obviously has some difficulties in expressing herself, but we’ve had a specialist take a look at her and it’s very likely that she’ll speak normally in a year or so, given the right support.”  
Steve hardly heard her. None of this mattered. 

“Is there any way I could take her home with me? – I – I mean, when there’s a room ready for her,” he quickly added, hoping he didn’t sound like a creep.  
“Of course. She is your daughter.”  
It felt incredibly strange hearing that. Steve could only nod along while his brain tried to untangle the mess of feelings the word daughter had caused to well up.  
“I’ll give you all the necessary paperwork and you just fill all that in and demand custody over her. Oh, and you get to give her a name,” she explained, glancing around him when fast small steps echoed through the hallway. She didn’t see any kid run, so the turned her attention back to Steve. 

“There ... are a few things I have to take care of, first,” Steve muttered. Like the fact that he didn’t even live alone, or that he risked his live in his job all the time. Or that he lived in the biggest Tower in New York, a perfect target for all kind of attacks.  
“Don’t worry about it, the process is going to take a while. So when you send the documents now, it’s probably another month or two before they’ll even be reviewed, and then another while until everythings settled.”  
“Well, then ...”

They went to the little office again and Ella gave him a massive stack of papers, all copied three times, all to be filled in by hand. On top of the stack he also got a small folder with some nicer pictures. They were done professionally, with the little girl sitting on the stairs leading into the orphanage, wearing a light blue dress that harmonized nicely with the flowers around. Her smile was shy, but lovely. The bruises and cuts on her face had either been photoshopped out or she wore make up that time. Steve hoped it was the first option, just because he didn’t like the idea of her having to endure someone plastering her pretty face with paint.  
“Thanks,” he muttered and Ella led him back to the main door, where Steve got his belongings back. He shoved the papers into his bag, where he always kept a few pencils and a sketchpad, next to his phone and wallet.  
“You can come back whenever you like, just write us a mail the day before,” Ella said as she accompanied Steve to the door. Steve just nodded, thanking her again when he shook her hand. 

A moment later he was on the sidewalk again, unsure of how he’d even got there. He looked up at the sky, numbness spreading through him slowly, turning his blood into thick molasses. 

 

Steve didn’t board the last train home, instead he wandered out the station and up onto the street tiredly.  
The fresh air cleared his mind a little, but did nothing against the sadness trying to overwhelm him.

He couldn’t shake off the picure of this beautiful little girl, who looked so much like his mother, bruised and beaten and barely able to talk, too thin and too frail for the world.  
All the things she must’ve experienced ... all the suffering and pain ... 

Steve wanted to get to know her, show her that the world could be a good place. He wanted to be her family. 

 

By the time he entered the Tower again, Steve was completely exhausted. He even had to swipe his keycard over the pad inside the elevator a few times, because he kept going too fast or not quite over the reader. Eventually the coach set into motion towards his private floor.  
At least they wouldn’t have to worry about space, Steve’s mind supplied, since they already had two rooms they barely used. Well, three, actually.  
So one of those could become a children’s bedroom. 

Steve groaned, overwhelmed by all the responsibilities suddenly piling up for him.  
They hadn’t even taken care of a pet, how in the world should they manage with a child?!

The elevator opened silently and Steve stepped into the apartment. 

“That bad?”  
Steve turned to see Bucky lounging on the sofa, his reassuring smile quickly disappearing when they locked eyes. Steve couldn’t answer, the lump in his throat growing, threatening to suffocate him. A strangled sob managed to break through the moment Bucky’s hands – warm, soft flesh and cold, unyielding metal – framed his face, then slid back to his neck.  
The familiar caress drew out all the tension Steve’d clung to the past hours, leaving him gasping for air when Bucky pulled him into his arms.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, back again with another chapter :D Hope you're having a great week so far, Friday's just around the corner, hang in there <3
> 
> Enjoy reading!

“Can you tell me about it?” Bucky asked, choosing his words wisely. There was barely any doubt that Steve needed to talk, but when it was about those children a lot of things weren’t allowed.  
Technically, Bucky could be reprimanded for even so much as looking at the little girl’s picture on Steve’s phone.  
“She ... she’s really great,” Steve sniffled eventually, his face still hidden in Bucky’s shirt. He had managed to get them over to the sofa again, where Bucky was now stretched out on, Steve on top of him.  
“So she’s okay?” Bucky pressed, really wanting to know what Steve had to see when he went over to the orphanage.  
“Yeah. She’s quiet ... I mean, she’s not only talking very little, but they think she’s actually never learned many words.”  
Bucky decided to run his hands over Steve’s back slowly, not commenting on the way his shirt felt a bit wet in the chest area.  
“She’s healthy? Stable?”  
Completely uncalled for, Bucky’s mind supplied images he’d seen in reports of a boy shackled to his hospital bed, his head bald and covered in scars from where the doctors had to literally operate the mind control out of him.  
Thankfully Steve nodded against his shoulder.  
“Yeah. Just a few scrapes and bruises, nothing big. Thank god.”  
From the way Steve’d said that, Bucky knew for sure that Steve loved this little girl already. He had suspected that Steve would want to take responsibility for her, just because that’s the kind of person Steve was. But now, hearing him talk about her, Bucky knew.  
“Are you gonna meet her again?”  
“Yeah, soon.”

A deep breath, and Steve spoke again, his voice shaking.  
“I want to take her here, Bucky.”  
For a moment, Bucky didn’t know what to say. The mere thought of having a child in their home terrified him, mainly because he still considered himself a safety hazard. Maybe not for adults, clearly not for Steve, but for _a child_?!  
“Okay,” was all he could bring himself to say. And what should he have said anyway. It wasn’t like he could say no, and it was absolutely his responsibility to figure out what to do with himself then. 

“I’ve got all the papers with me, I just-“  
“Hey, you need to calm down a bit,” Bucky interrupted, running both hands over Steve’s back, providing a steady weight. “We’re having dinner first, you need something in your stomach. And then we’re dealing with the paperwork.”  
“Yeah.”  
Bucky was glad Steve agreed so quickly, mainly because he wanted to give himself some more time to not think about what was ahead. It was in his nature to observe his surroundings, so he’d heard the odd conversation at the Tower from people who suddenly found themselves with a kid. They would have to decide either against it, bringing with it too much guilt nnd doubts – or for it, which would confront them with all the responsibilities and perils of parenting, which wasn’t something for everybody. 

Bucky himself had no idea how he would handle the situation, he just hoped Steve would make the right decision for himself. And whatever was right for Steve, would be right for Bucky. 

The brunet cooked dinner this evening while Steve went over the papers – he said he felt bad putting it off.  
“I’ll send them out tomorrow, it’s not fair that she has to wait for her name,” he explained, his eyes travelling left and right as he read the documents.  
“She doesn’t have a name?” Bucky asked, leaning over Steve’s shoulder and taking a look at the documents – so many questions and blank spots.  
“No, just a number. A lot of the kids didn’t have a name.”  
“Just a number ...,” Bucky repeated, deeply lost in thought. He was reminded of his own time as just a pawn in someone else’s game, a thing to be used as others saw fit.  
He couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to be a helpless child in this situation. See murder and death and pain when you’re supposed to make happy memories.  
Sure, Steve and Bucky’s childhood hadn’t been the picture perfect one either, and how could it, in the midst of depression and war. But they still, to this day, had fond memories they liked to look back on.  
After another moment of deliberation, Steve put the pen down on the paper, beginning to carefully spell out the name he chose.  
_Sarah Margaret Rogers._

“Nice. I like it,” Bucky said evenly, returning to the stove with that content smile of his. Which meant that it was something other people probably wouldn’t pick up on, but Steve did. He noticed that little upwards quirk of Bucky’s lips, the warm glow in his eyes.  
“You don’t think it’s a bit ... strange? I just thought ... well, she does look so much like my mom.”  
“No, it’s nice, really,” Bucky replied, stirring whatever he was cooking up in a big pot. Steve realized that he hadn’t paid much attention to his lover in the past few hours, too caught up in his thoughts.  
“And here I was, always assuming I’d have nobody to pass the name on to,” Steve tried to joke, but he didn’t even come close to a playful tone. Thankfully Bucky played along, ignoring the tense atmosphere even Steve could feel lingering around himself.  
“Well, you might have to pass on a lot more now. Like, oh, potty training and using a spoon and saying please and thank you.”  
“Bucky, she’s about two years old,” Steve mentioned and rolled his eyes.  
“About?”  
“They don’t know. The data from the hard drives is still not sorted completely. There has to be a birthdate somewhere.”  
“Well, at least she’s not in diapers anymore,” Bucky said lightly, but saw Steve’s eyes darkening, probably thinking of the time that little girl had to spend with Hydra. He quickly busied himself with dinner and announced it ready so that Steve could set the table. 

Steve praised Bucky’s cooking, even though it was just simple pasta and green pesto – something he’d recently learned to love and prepare on his own. They had a pile of cookbooks on a little shelf in the kitchen and tried new things every now and then, but neither of them was a pro at cooking, yet. Still, it was almost always edible.  
Bucky thought that maybe he should get them a book about cooking for children.

After dinner Bucky sent Steve off to take a hot bath that would hopefully relax him, and just for good measure he joined his lover after cleaning up the kitchen a bit.  
“Just making sure you’re not slipping and drowning, being a senior citizen and all,” Bucky joked as he stepped into the hot water opposite his lover. Their tub – as well as their bed – was custom made to fit both of them comfortably.  
“Can’t even leave those today, old man?” Steve quipped, poking Bucky’s side with his toe.  
“At least one, come on. And you smiled so that’s a win for me.”  
“Yeah.”  
Bucky watched as Steve sank deeper into the water, his knees breaking the surface of the water. There was really a smile on his lips, and it stayed during their bath and later when they started kissing on the way to the bedroom. 

 

“Bucky ... I ... I can’t ... please ...” Steve panted out later, long after their towels had fallen to the floor so that they could tumble into bed naked, entwined in each other’s limbs.  
“’Course you can,” Bucky growled behind him. Steve’d been just like this in bed ever since their first time. And back then, Bucky had believed him when Steve had complained about being too tired and too sensitive. But now Bucky knew Steve was just putting on a show – he absolutely loved being taken just a bit rough and brought to his own limits.

Bucky smirked when he heard Steve whine, loud and desperate and needy and so so perfect. He wanted to make Steve forget, to let go, just for tonight.  
“Not yet, sweetheart ... you can take a little more ... and then I wanna see you-“  
“Oh _god_!” Steve shouted, sounding so perfectly wrecked and Bucky marvelled at the full body shiver his words resulted in.  
“You like that, doll?”  
Steve notted frantically, mumbling a litany of “yesyesyesyes” around the finger he was no doubt biting down on, leaving those little red teethmarks Bucky loved.  
“Then show me,” Bucky ordered, leaning back onto his heels and Steve’s groan drowned out Bucky’s quiet little laugh.  
It was obvious that he was very close already, but one coming had never kept the other one from going on. After all, both their refractory periods would make porn stars jealous.  
“Please, Bucky!”  
“If you want it, get it.”  
Eventually Steve’s hips did move, unsteady and jerky movements but strong enough to rock Bucky on the bed. He watched how Steve slid himself back and forth on his cock, blushing skin glistening wet and looking absolutely beautiful. He was so caught up in staring that he looked up in surprise when Steve came, contracting around him almost painfully, dangerously close to tip Bucky over the edge, too, but not quite.  
Before Steve could collapse onto the bed, Bucky grabbed his hips and held him in place, grinding into his over sensitive body just to hear him moan so prettily. 

His left hand was probably cold, Bucky mused as he thrust deeper, but he knew Steve had more than a little kink for his metal hand.  
The only reason the didn’t use it more in the bedroom was the lube that was just a hassle to clean out of the intricate joints. And the idea of going down to Starks shop to have fucking lube cleaned out of his fingers was less than exciting to say the least. 

A grin curled the corners of Buckys mouth when he remembered how hard and fast Steve’d come with the metal fingers inside him. The memory alone was enough to almost make him lose it then and there, so he forced himself to pull out and flip Steve, making their steel-inforced bed shake.

 

The next morning Bucky was surprised to find himself being the first one up. Usually Steve had already left for his morning run when Bucky got up, but now the blond was still sleeping soundly, both arms clinging to the pillow under his head.  
Somehow, even when he was sleeping Bucky could see tense lines around his shoulders. Moving carefully so he didn’t shake the other man, Bucky leaned over and brushed a gentle kiss between Steve’s shoulder blades, making him sigh in his sleep.

After the past day, Bucky decided to let Steve sleep, while he went on with the plan he’d formed when the night had seen him once again wide awake. It happened from time to time, that he would randomly wake up and stay awake for a few hours. The first few times it had happened Bucky had tried everything to go back to sleep, from teas to yoga, to alcohol, to watching TV. Eventually he’d just accepted his fate and spent those hours thinking or playing games on his phone, or reading on that tablet computer Stark gave him. Not trying to get back asleep was usually the best method to relax enough so that he’d sleep again. 

Now he slid out of bed and put a pair of sweatpants on. He found his favourite hoodie and put that on as well before silently leaving the bedroom.  
Bucky hated his own plan. But what else was he supposed to do?  
It was the best for everyone.  
So he put on socks and sneakers in the living room, And the usual black leather glove he hid his metal hand with, and left the apartment. 

 

Steve woke up alone, but thankfully rested. He smirked into his pillow when he moved, his muscles burning deliciously in all the right places.  
Eventually he forced himself out of bed, not caring that he missed his usual running-time, and steering right for the shower. The hot water did wonders to his muscles and he switched to cold water for the last minute to really wake up. And there was actually a small smile on his lips when he returned to the bedroom to get dressed.  
If Bucky was out again he’d probably taken Steve’s documents to the post office and soon everything would be settled. The girl would have a name and a family and they’d deal with this whole parenting thing. So many people around the world were surprised by a pregnancy and they all managed. So what if Steve and Bucky had a bit less time to prepare? They’d get the hang of things.

His optimism was only spurred on when he spotted Bucky in the kitchen, waiting at the breakfast table.  
“Good morning,” Steve greeted happily and kissed his lover’s cheek.  
“Morning. I brought bagels and coffee.”  
“Thanks,” Steve said, wanting to mention how lucky he was to have such a thoughtful boyfriend, when he spotted another key next to Bucky’s on the counter. It wasn’t his own, since Steve knew for a fact that one was still in his bag. 

“What’s that?” Steve asked, his brows furrowed as he looked at the keycard. It didn’t show their floor number.  
“A key ... to Nat’s place. I’ll be staying with her for a bit when the kid gets here,” Bucky said quickly and for a moment Steve couldn’t believe his ears.  
“What?”  
“Look ...” Bucky started and huffed out a breath. There was a pained expression in his eyes that made Steve wonder if that was the reason why the brunet had been so careful not to mention Sarah at all the past evening. “You know I’m nobody to be around children.”  
“But it’s ... not just any child ...” Steve said, placing the key back down. It wasn’t like he was bringing in a stray dog or anything. 

“I know. That’s why I want her to be safe. So I’ll go.”  
There was so much determination in his eyes that Steve feared he might just up and pack right away. He closed the distance between them, a few inches that felt like a canyon suddenly ripping the earth apart.  
“Bucky - !”

“No, Steve, listen. I am dangerous. I am unstable, still.”  
“You’re much better-“  
“Around adults who know how to behave around me!”  
“You’re not gonna hurt her! You haven’t hurt anybody ever since you’re back!”  
“Oh, and you think a traumatized little child will understand that it’s just for my own good if you hold me down on the floor, cause if you recall, that definitely happened before!” Bucky snapped, feeling his cheeks turn pink in embarrasment. He hated thinking back to the exactly two times this had to happen – when he’d just lost it and attacked Steve. Sometimes he had such graphic and extreme nightmares that he couldn’t quite wake up from them and was trapped in the Winter Soldiers old habits of attacking and killing everything that moved around him.  
Steve opened his mouth and drew a breath, but huffed it out, unable to say anything against that fact. He pressed his lips into a thin line stubbornly and moved to turn away.  
“Hey, hey,” Bucky called, catching Steve’s wrist with his metal hand. “Let’s just try. I’ll keep my distance for a bit, so we can all be safe. If it works out, I’ll move back in.”  
“We should be a family,” Steve muttered, tugging lightly at his hand. Bucky held onto him, closed his metal fingers around Steve’s.  
“And we will, but when it’s safe. Steve, she deserves to be in a safe place now. I ... I don’t want to be the new bad guy in her world. Something scary and unreliable.”

Steve’s shoulders sank and he huffed out a breath, looking a bit like a deflating baloon. Bucky knew the argument was over and pulled Steve in, sliding his arms underneath the blond’s and hugging him tight.  
“I won’t be gone, Steve. If she likes me enough I’d love to be around you every day.”  
“I know,” he huffed, and Bucky smiled, leaning up for a quick kiss.  
“You know it’s the responsible thing to do. I haven’t done much right in the past, but with you and her I really wanna do everything right.”  
“I know.”  
“Don’t mope.”  
“I’m not moping.”  
Bucky raised and eyebrow and Steve finally smiled, but rolled his eyes at him.  
“I am _not_ moping. I just ... I ... why’s everything gotta be so hard?”  
”’Cause sometimes life’s just a bitch?” Bucky replied light-heartedly and smirked when Steve leaned into his shoulder and laughed. Bucky kissed his hair and held him for a while

 

With the papers for Sarah – including her new name – in his bag, Steve went to the orphanage again that weekend, surprised to hear adults talk in some of the other rooms when he entered. It seemed like the programmes had informed a few people of their sudden parentage.  
“Steeb!” he heard a familiar voice and smiled when he spottet the little girl in a doorway leading to a playroom. There were other kids around, and some of them watched him closely, some ran away from the door. Sarah took a step towards him but her shoe got caught on the doorstep, and she looked down, her eyes big, like she was just now reminded the obstacle was there. She closed her mouth firmly and stood behind the step then – precisely right behind it, her toes had to be touching it still.  
Maybe she wasn’t allowed to leave the room?  
So Steve stepped up to her and offered his hand. Sarah smiled brightly and took it, but still didn’t move an inch. 

“What’s going on here?” Steve heard a stern voice ask from the end of the hallway, and Sarah immediately dropped his hand and took a step back.  
“I in-sside!” she lisped, as if wanting to say that Steve was the one breaking the law here. He turned to see one of the nannies standing behind him – her white polo shirt showed a printed on Dahlia and her name, Angela.  
“Oh, Captain Rogers. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so rude,” she said hastily, shaking his hand and blushing bright red.  
“No worries, I’m glad you’re keeping the kids safe.”  
“Yeah, well, we’re a bit understaffed right now and I was just talking to somebody, uh-“  
“It’s okay, really,” Steve interrupted with a kind smile. “Is it okay if I take ... my daughter ... for a little walk through the garden? We got something to talk about.”  
It still felt very strange acknowledging her as his daughter, but at the same time it was quite nice.  
“Of course, just make sure to not get too close to the fence or the front door,” Angela replied and quickly shooed Sarah out the room, lifting her hand and placing it into Steve’s.  
It wasn’t her handing Sarah over like that that irked Steve ... it was more the fact that the little girl just let herself be handled like that. Something about that gesture made Steve angry, and he made an effort to conceal that.  
“Steeb,” Sarah said happily, holding onto his hand and smiling up at him. She was so beautiful, Steve couldn’t hold back his own smile.  
“Let’s go for a little walk, okay? I missed you lots.”  
“Okay.”  
It only occured to Steve when they were already on the lawn that Sarah had just agreed to go with pretty much a stranger. He hoped this was because she had understood that he was her father and that she could trust him. 

They took a little stroll around the gardens in the back, admiring the flowers framing a walkway. Sarah showed him a garden and a greenhouse, most likely telling him about the fruit and vegetables they were growing – it was pretty hard to understand her. 

On a wooden bench next to the walkway Steve decided they’d take a break, lifting Sarah up onto the bench and sitting next to her.  
“I brought you something today,” he announced, rummaging through his bag for a moment. Sarah watched him and suddenly her eyes had a strange, guarded look. Steve almost expected her to jump up and run when he took his hand out of the bag, but she stayed put, staring at his hand.  
“Look, this is yours,” Steve said, showing her the ID he’d keep for her. He’d just received the card this morning, as soon as her birthdate had been found – the 14th of June, making her just over two years old.  
“Oh. This, me,” she said and pointed to the photo.  
“That’s right. And do you know what those letters say?”  
She looked at them for a moment, then shook her head, her blonde brows furrowed.  
“It says Sarah. That’s your name now, Sarah.”  
“Sa-wah,” she repeated, her head tilted just a bit as if she was contemplating whether or not she liked it. “I’m Sarah?”  
“Yeah. You’re Sarah.”  
“Not nine-four?” she asked and Steve realized only after a moment that this must’ve been what they called her. The last two numbers of her ID. If she listened to it, and could say it so well ... did that mean that this was her number in the base, too?  
There were more numbers in front of her old name, Steve remembered her ID - 2 3 8 7 9 4. He realized that it must’ve been a registration number, and since she could speak they put 9 4 in the back. So she was the 2.387th person to be rescued?

“No more. Now you’re Sarah,” Steve decided, hoping that this step away from her past would help her psyche. “And look here, this says Rogers. My last name is Rogers, too. We have the same last name now.”  
Sarah stared at her own ID then, obviously thinking hard.  
“We same?”  
“Yeah. The same name. Because we’re family.”  
“Family.”  
“You and me. We belong together now.”

“Together,” Sarah repeated again, barely whispering, and all of a sudden stepped up onto the bench and hugged Steve, her little hands clinging to his shirt. Steve moved very slowly to hug her back, giving her time to back off if she wanted to.  
“We’re together now,” he repeated quietly, kissing the top of her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll continue with this story next Thursday :D
> 
>  
> 
> ***
> 
> I have a Tumblr! [ Follow me](http://lunarogersofficial.tumblr.com/) if you like ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys :D Better late than never, and to make up for it today's chap is extra long! I just had some real big problems with the structure of the whole thing, so I figured I'd take another week to work on it =)
> 
> Enjoy reading <3

“I want to show you something,” Steve said when they’d both calmed down a bit. Sarah inched closer, until she tentatively leaned against Steve's side. It was a nice feeling, having her close. Steve’d brought chocolate for the two of them and she was nibbling on a bar, looking at his tablet computer while Steve opened the folder of photos he’d compiled.   
“That's where I live,” he began, showing her a photo of StarkTower.   
“Oooh. Is big.”  
“It is. I live aaaaall the way up here.”  
Steve slid his finger up the tower until he'd about reached their floor.   
“You can see the whole city from there, and the sky and the sun.”

Steve showed her a few more pictures of his apartment and she said she liked all his books.   
“Is faiwy tale?”  
“Some of them, yeah. Some of them are about drawing. I like drawing.”  
“Me, too. - Who's that?” Sarah asked when a photo of Steve and Bucky showed up. It was a selfie Bucky had taken of them a while ago, smiling into the camera on a lazy afternoon on the sofa.   
“That's Bucky, he's … he's my boyfriend.”  
He watched the little girl’s reaction carefully, but Sarah just leaned in a bit to look closer at the picture. She didn’t seem confused by this at all, which Steve took as a good sign.  
“Steeb's f-wend?”  
“Yeah. I like him a lot, you know. I love him.”  
“Steeb wuv him?”  
“Uh huh. He’ll be in our family, too. You can meet him soon, he will be really happy to see you.”  
“Okay.”  
Steve guessed he couldn’t expect much more from her, but he was still glad that she didn’t seem to be put off by the picture.   
“Can I take a picture of us? So that Bucky can see?”  
Sarah seemed to think about that for a bit. She looked at Steve’s phone, probably knew that it could take pictures, then at Steve.   
“We ta’ pic?” she asked, a strange expression in her blue eyes. She stared at him, waiting for an answer, and Steve hoped he’d say the right thing.  
“Yeah, you and me take a picture together.”  
“Okay.”

Steve lifted Sarah onto his lap and she poked the screen when they could see themselves in the camera’s picture. Whatever it was that had confused her, now it was gone and she relaxed against Steve’s chest, leaning into him when he told her to show a great big smile. 

He sent the photo to Bucky right away and let Sarah push the button on the screen.   
“Where’s pic?”  
“It’s on the phone. It’s no paper pictures, it’s just on here.” Steve explained, guessing that she only knew printed out pictures or maybe polaroids.   
“Oh,” she breathed and touched the screen again where their photo was still displayed. There was this strange expression in her eyes again and maybe she was remembering something from her past. Steve wanted to ask her about it, but didn’t out of fear. He didn’t want her to be sad or scared when reminded of the bases.   
“I’ll bring you a real picture next time. So you can look at it whenever you want,” he offered, happy to see Sarah smile at that.   
“Yeah.”

As always their time together was just too short, but eventually they had to get back into the house. Visiting hours in the orphanage weren’t that long anyways, but Steve felt like they were shortened every day, even though his watch told him otherwise. 

On the way back in they saw a woman walk through the hallway and Sarah ducked a little, as if expecting to be scolded.  
“I don’ wike her,” Sarah whispered when they were on their way to her floor, her little hand holding Steve’s.   
“You don’t like her? Why not, who is she?” he asked, wondering why that woman was obviously older than the others he’d seen. Maybe she was the boss of the younger nannies, kind of like a house mother.  
“Is Miss ‘liza.”  
“Why don’t you like her?”  
Steve hadn’t gotten the impression that any of them were particularily strict with the kids, at least not from his understanding of parenting. But then again he grew up in different times, where teachers and parents could still hit children for punishment.   
Sarah just shrugged – maybe because she didn’t want to say, maybe because she had no words. 

“I wike you, Steeb,“ Sarah just said quietly, holding his hand still when they were in front of her room.   
“I like you, too, baby. Can I get a hug?”   
Sarah lifted her arms right away and Steve kneeled down to embrace her.   
“You come back?”  
“Of course. I’ll visit you again soon.”  
“Okay.”

Steve watched as Sarah went to her group again, the other kids eyeing him, some with fear, others with curiosity in their eyes. He startled when he turned and found the woman watching him.   
“Captain Rogers, may I talk to you in private for a moment?” she asked and Steve nodded. She didn’t introduce herself, but her name tag looked a bit different than the others and read “Ms. Eliza” in bold letters.   
“Sure.”

They went into the small office Steve’d been in on his first day.   
“Is everything okay with the paperwork?” he asked, seeing documents piling up on the small desk. He wondered how anybody could still work there, and pitied the person who’d had to go through all this.   
“Oh, yes, that’s all good. I haven’t had time to look at it in detail, but I think it’s safe to assume that you are ready for the next steps,” she said, her expression all business. Steve guessed that she had been working in a school, maybe an elementary school because she did seem comfortable around the children, but her tone was a bit too harsh.   
“We’ll have an expert evaluate your and Sarah’s relationship, but seeing the two of your together, I’d say that speaks for itself,” she explained and Steve was proud of himself that he made suh a good parent. After all, he did have no idea what he was doing, but being with Sarah was just so natural and easy.   
“And we need some more information about your current situation, personal and regarding living conditions.”   
Steve just hummed in agreement, briefly scanning the first few lines on the stack of paper he received, feeling like his privacy didn’t mean all that much anymore.   
He caught a glimpse of a question about his relationships and suddenly panicked. Nobody knew that he was with Bucky, and a lot of people still only saw the brutal assassin and not the man brainwashed and tortured for decades, now wotking hard to regain life. And the Tower wasn’t the best place to raise a child, but they couldn’t go anywhere else because it provided them safety from nosy Avengers fans and papparazzi.   
“I can assure you that your data will be handled confidentally.”  
“It’s alright, I understand,” Steve hurried to say, taking the papers to stash into his bag. He didn’t want to be biased about that woman but the question as to why Sarah couldn’t stand her burned on his tongue.   
Still, he wasn’t in any place to demand answers, he didn’t even have custody, yet.   
“I wondered,” he began instead, trying to put on the most honest and kind smile, just a happy parent, certainly nobody who’d be unhappy with her behaviour around the kids. “If I could take Sarah out next time? Maybe go to a playground or the zoo?”  
“No, not until the evaluation is still pending,” Miss Eliza answered and, okay, _that_ was definitely meant to ridicule him a little.  
“Ah ... I just thought we could bond better in private. Spend some quality time together.”  
“Yes, well ...,” she paused, her lips pursing briefly. 

Steve mused whether or not he was their ... most influential client and he hoped that, if so, that would benefit him. He wanted to spend more time with Sarah, all the time he could get, and was desperate to know what was going on in her head. But as long as there were people around she didn’t like, she would never really open up.   
“You could just formally request a visit outside the premises.”  
She didn’t look all that happy about it, yet reached for another document. There was a whole stack of them ready to be handed out.   
So they did have a procedure for letting the kids and parents spend time in private, but they didn’t like to allow it?

Steve really wanted to believe that this was for the kids’ good, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off about that.   
“Thank you,” he said, otherwise keeping his mouth firmly shut until he was out of the building. Along the new documents he also had an appointment with a psychologist and another one where he’d be monitored interacting with Sarah.   
He didn’t like the prospect of that one bit – Sarah’d probably been the subject of too many evaluations and tests already – but they’d have to endure it to stay together. 

 

This time, despite the long day and the paperwork waiting for him, Steve returned home with a smile. Sarah was so lovely.   
The moment Steve got home his phone chimed with a message and he almost stumbled when he saw that it was from the orphanage. Fearing for a brief second that something was wrong, but then he saw the picture and laughed. It showed Sarah standing underneath the sign to what Steve guessed was for her dorm room – he knew the kids slept in dorms with five or more children per room, but that was in the personell only area.   
The sign to the door read some other names and numbers that were blurred out, but also in bold black lettering “Sarah M. Rogers” with her ID number in a smaller print underneath.   
Steve wrote a quick thank you to the orphanage staff for the picture, and saved it on his phone. 

“Welcome back,” Bucky greeted him the moment he was through the door and just for a second Steve imagined his lover sitting there with Sarah next to him, both of them welcoming Steve home.   
“Hi,” he breathed, almost sighed, because he really wanted this. He wanted the three of them to become a family.   
What had seemed incredibly strange and scary days ago now slowly found its way into Steve’s dreams. 

“Well, you look happy,” Bucky stated, getting up from the couch to hug him. There was a thick book on the coffee table, something that looked like sci-fi.   
“I am,” Steve now sighed, letting himself be pulled into Bucky’s arms, smiling against the crook of his neck. He gently kissed the soft skin behind Bucky’s ear, feeling him shiver minutely.”I’m really happy.”  
“I saw the pic, it’s ... really beautiful. Can we frame it?”  
“Yes, absolutely. God, I can’t wait to have one of all of us together,” Steve blurted out, too happy to stop himself. Luckily Bucky just laughed softly at his excitement, his metal arm whirring when he let it roam over Steve’s back. Bucky kissed him again and then stepped back then, leaving Steve longing for more and wishing there was a way they could meet soon. 

 

“So she’s gonna move in?” Bucky asked, smirking when Steve looked at his own phone in Bucky’s metal hand. Since Steve had been so distracted by their kisses it had been easy to snatch his phone out of his back pocket. 

Bucky sent the photo over to the printer. Although he was still reserved about the whole idea of parenting, but the picture was pretty cute.   
“Yeah. We still have to wait for her paperwork to come in, though, but yeah.”  
The printer whirred to life and Bucky mused about how much he liked it that Steve said “we” and not “I”. 

“Then she’s gonna need a room,” Bucky promted, taking the finished photograph out of the printer. God, he loved all this new technology stuff. When Stark had gotten the first 3D printer for one of his labs Bucky’d annoyed the guy for hours just so he could watch it work.   
”Yeah, I thought about that already.”  
“Me, too.”  
Steve watched as Bucky took one of the empty picure frames out of a drawer – they’d bought about a dozen different ones and every now and then filled them with new memories together. The wall closest to their dining table only displayed a handful of frames with pictures of them or various team mates and friends, but there were many empty nails sticking out. Bucky looked at the wall for a moment and then hung the photo next to one of him and Steve in Central Park, the first ever photo they’d taken with Bucky’s new phone.  
“I thought ... that I wanna keep my old bedroom,” he said to the wall and looked at Steve after a moment. When the blond only looked at him, eyebrows raised in question, Bucky felt heat rise to his cheeks. It was stupid to be embarrassed over his idea – which he had deemed pretty good at the time.

“So you’re ... not gonna sleep in our bed anymore?”  
“No, no, that’s not it.”  
“I don’t get it.”  
“Look, I know you want me to stay with you guys, but I won’t.”  
He could see that Steve was hurt by that statement even though the blond averted his eyes. “I won’t, I’m sorry. It’s safer for us, but ... I might try to stay a night or two, but in my room? – Look, what if she’s got a bad dream and crawls into your bed? What if that startles me or _I_ have a nightmare and scare or hurt her?”  
”You thought a lot about that, huh?” Steve said suddenly, turning and walking over to the sofa. He plopped down on it and Bucky hoped he hadn’t insulted Steve.   
“I want ... her to feel safe here,” he urged, following Steve to the living room area, where he put the framed picture of him and Sarah into the bookshelf, next to one of Steve and Bucky. It was the first picture they’d ever taken together, with Steve’s ridiculously expensive camera on a sunny afternoon in Central Park. 

Steve stared at their pictures together and felt like a fool because he hadn’t even thought about asking ever before.   
“Buck ... did you want kids?”  
“Uh,” the brunet muttered, his eyes widening. He stood there like a deer in the headlights for a moment, then slowly made his way over to the sofa. So this would be the first time they officially talked about having a family. While the request for custody was already underway.   
Perfect timing. Steve could’ve kicked himself.   
“We never talked about it,” he admitted with a shy smile, reaching out to warp his fingers around Bucky’s wrist. He pulled his lover onto the cushions so they could talk face to face.   
“Well, uh ... it’s not like I never thought about it ... a long time ago.”  
Steve nodded, turning his hand so he could lock his fingers with Bucky’s..   
“I didn’t ask you if you wanted Sarah here, did I?”  
“Steve, what the fuck?” Bucky said, a disbelieving smile on his lips. “There’s no question about that! She’s your daughter!”  
“Yeah,” Steve agreed, having to look down a moment because he was ashamed of what he had to say next. “But what if she’s ... unhappy with us? Maybe it’s better when she’s somewhere else? What if we do something wrong?”   
Steve watched Bucky’s left hand slide on top of his, the hard metal a familiar caress now.   
“So what? All parents make mistakes, our parents certainly did and we’re still around,” Bucky argued, leaning in until Steve had to look back up at him.   
“It just ... everything happens too fast, doesn’t it?” Steve asked, his thumb absently rubbing over Bucky’s flesh hand underneath his.   
“We’ve both had our fair share of waiting,” Bucky reminded with a smirk, making Steve laugh. When he brushed a kiss to Steve’s cheek, his eyes were soft and shimmering with love, something he mostly kept under wraps save for when they were alone. “Steve, I know you love Sarah. I can see it. And I love you. It’s not gonna be easy, let’s not lie to ourselves about that, but we’re gonna do this. She deserves love. And maybe we deserve a family?”  
Steve’s heart flutterted at those words. Maybe they never talked about it before, but it just felt right. It already felt like they were a family.   
”I’m scared,” Bucky suddenly admitted, showing that regrettful half-smirk of his. “I am. I don’t trust myself, yet. Around you or Nat or the gang it’s all good, ‘cause I know you can stop me. But around a kid? Please give me some time, okay?”  
“Of course. You don’t have to work this out on your own. We’ll figure something out,” Steve promised, lifting their entwined hands and kissing the knuckles of Bucky’s left hand. That earned him a bright smile.   
“So when everything’s settled, I’ll stay at Nat’s for a while, during the nights. And when Sarah’s comfortable here I’ll try and stay the nights, see how it works.”  
Steve wanted to say that it’d all work out great, but he kept his mouth shut. Bucky was serious about this, so Steve would have to at least consider thinking rationally. And truth was, Bucky did still have night terrors, panick attacks and just days where he was agitated and too caught up in his own head.  
Steve just nodded to Bucky and the brunet kneeled up on the sofa to wrap Steve up in his arms. The metal plates of his left arm clicked quietly.   
“Now we just gotta get on the same page about parenting,” he joked and Bucky laughed, but sat back and shrugged easily.   
”Whatever you think’s best. It’s your daughter,” he stated and Steve immediately shook his head.   
“Oh, no, don’t say that. She’s our daughter, always will be. So you got as much a say in that as me.”  
“But I don’t even know anything about parenting!”  
“Neither do I,” Steve admitted sheepishly, reminded of his talk with Miss Eliza and how pleasantly surprised he’d been when she told him he seemed a good parent. 

Slowly, Bucky’s mouth curled into a smile, then he laughed and Steve couldn’t help but laugh with him.  
“Bunch’a hundred year olds first-time parenting, that’s the stuff sitcoms’re made of,” the brunet said, holding his arms out automatically when Steve inched closer to him. “How ‘bout we do some research and whatnot and _then_ figure out what kinda parents we wanna be?”  
Steve smiled into Bucky’s shirt, pulling his lover close.   
“Sounds like a plan.”  
“Well, I did learn from the best. Man with the plan and all.”  
Steve laughed and rolled his eyes at that terrible pun, guessing that in the future, maybe Bucky would be the one with the bad dad jokes. 

Since they had the afternoon and evening all to themselves – as long as there wasn’t a call to assemble the Team and fight the odd supervillain – the two men decided to start planning Sarah’s new room. They had an office they barely used, so the desks and shelves in there had to go.   
“I’m sure we can donat the stuff somewhere,” Steve said when they sorted their folders with personal documents into the living room shelf. They’d sorted out some of the books they’d already read and didn’t find all that interesting – Tony always mocked them for still buying paper books, but then again having just one reading tablet on the shelf wouldn’t look nice.   
“Or we take a photo of you sitting at the desk and sell it on ebay,” Bucky joked matter-of-factly and grinned when Steve laughed at the idea. “No, really. – ‘Captain America’s desk, slightly used, the very place that he reads the declaration of independence at every morning.’”  
“I’ll just wanna let you know that I’ve found action figures of you online, so I’m not the only one with a fanbase,” Steve commented lightly, putting a stack of drawing paper and utensils into the drawing desk he’d had in the living room. 

 

After dinner they sat down with Steve’s laptop, browsing furniture stores to pick out everything Sarah needed in her new room   
“I just don’t want a sparkling pink bedroom for her, I think it wouldn’t fit.”  
“Not to mention that it would be obnoxious,” Bucky muttered, making Steve laugh. 

No matter how hard they tried, every few minutes they would get sidetracked, remembering they needed to secure the drawers and cupboards in the kitchen and the one in the bathroom that contained cleaning things, or that they didn’t have covers for their power outlets. When they’d finally decided on what bed to buy, they spent about an hour figuring out what kind of matress and cover would be best.   
At some point during the night Bucky got his own tablet and went through parenting forums and blogs to compile a list of all the little things they needed – toiletries, medication, a step so she could reach the sink, a mat for the bathtub so she wouldn’t slip, bowls and cups that didn’t spill when turned around, plates that stuck to the table and didn’t slide off. 

Some time around midnight most of the furniture was ordered, when Steve and Bucky realized that they didn’t even have a carpet in the room. Since they barely used it, they just left it with a hardwood floor, but that wasn’t very cozy for a child’s room.   
When they decided on a soft, sand colored carpet Bucky mentioned that they’d already gotten a blackboard and chalk and that it would probably leave stains, so they got a mat to put under the board.

“Isn’t it weird that a kid needs so much? Is that a new thing?”  
“I don’t think so. We’re just not used to it.”  
“Yeah, maybe ... back in our day all you needed was your imagination.”  
“Sure and everything was made out of wood and everything was better anyways and oh the good old days,” Steve teased and Bucky laughed with him. 

When they had made it to choosing the bed, Steve found himself staring at the selection. There were of course so many different models, but almost all of them featured all around rails, of course to keep the kid in the bed at night and prevent it from falling out.   
“Buck ...,” Steve said and his lover’s eyes were on him in a second.   
“Those are all terrible?” Bucky guessed, smiling gently when Steve could only nod.   
”I just think ... she’s been ... probably locked up a lot, and ... well, I don’t know how they do it at the orphanage, but I think she’d hate being in such a bed.”  
“Yeah, I think so, too. She needs a good sleep to settle in and heal, and even if she falls asleep in there subconsciously she’s gonna know she’s in there.”  
“Yeah ... you know, I’m really glad to have you do this with me. I ... well, you know how I am ...”  
“You mean that you bottle everything right up and never deal with things?” Bucky guessed and giggled softly when Steve nodded.   
”Yeah, that. I’m glad that ... you aren’t like this. Sarah’s been through a lot and maybe you understand her better than I ever could,” Steve admitted, having thought about this for a while now. Of course he’d had his own set of trauma and drama in his life, but he’d gone through it on his own mostly, while Bucky had to work through the torture and brainwashing. He still fought the Winter Soldier’s dark persona when it tried to take over his mind, and Steve admired him every day for this strength and endurance.   
“D’you think she’s that traumatized?” he asked now, cocking his head to the side. Although he couldn’t know for sure, Steve guessed that Bucky loved Sarah, too.   
“I don’t really know, but it’s better to be prepared. I guess it won’t be all that bad once she’s gotten used to living here.”  
“Yeah. I think it’s gonna be rough for a while, just because she’s had to change from the base into the orphanage and then to us. It’s a lot for such a little kid. But she’s made a pretty good catch with her dad, so it’s gonna work out.”  
Steve smirked at the word dad, secretly wishing Sarah would call him that someday.   
“Hopefully,” he breathed and leaned his head against Bucky’s metal shoulder, hearing the joint whirr faintly with held back power. 

 

The last thing they got was a whole bundle of parenting books downloaded to their tablets. Steve had even put a volume on there about parenting for traumatized children, so they would at least be a bit prepared. Flicking through the first few chapters together also helped them agree on some key parenting points – they’d never physically punish Sarah for anything, but there would be a time-out should she really throw a tantrum. And there would be no yelling at her, instead they’d try their best to explain the new world to her. 

 

During the next few days Steve worked through all the papers, trying to make himself look like a really good parent, although he was sure he wasn’t. Bucky’s been called out on an assignment, so Steve was left to his own deviced when the orders for Sarah’s room came in. Since he had so much extra time, he started on cleaning the room and sketching a wall design on the wall he’d planned to surprise Sarah (and Bucky) with.

While he was working on laying out the carpet in Sarah’s new room, Steve’s phone chimed with an incoming message.   
“Uh, Jarvis?” he asked, stretching to try and hold down one of the corners of the carpet while cutting another one. The whole Tower had Tony’s A.I. wired in, but in the labs the teams sometimes used their own systems and usually Steve and Bucky didn’t rely on Jarvis, either. Only now Steve felt like the whole carpet would just roll back up in itself and he’d never get the room done of he went to check his phone now.   
_“Certainly, Sir,”_ Jarvis replied, already guessing what Steve needed. _“One new text message from Parker, Peter.”_  
For just a second Steve froze, his blood running cold when he feared more bad news. Bad as in more children suffering because someone had stolen his DNA, because it had been Parker who’t told him about Sarah.   
_“I’m at the Tower at eight a.m., can we meet up & chat?” _ Jarvis read, leaving Steve puzzled.   
“Is it an urgent message?”  
 _“No, Sir.”_  
“What could he want to talk about?”  
 _“I’m afraid I do not know, Sir.”_  
Steve put the carpet cutter down, staring at the soft material in front of him. His gut feeling told him that it was something about Sarah. But Parker wasn’t with the medical team or anybody who’d have professional interest in Sarah, so it had to be something more personal.   
Steve knew that Parker was Spiderman, and that his DNA had been stolen as well, so ...  
“Jarvis, does Mr. Parker have any children?”  
He remembered a strange look in Peter’s eyes when they’d talked at the gym, maybe it had been sympathy? Understanding for his situation?  
 _“Yes, Sir,”_ Jarvie now answered. As Avengers Team leader Steve could technically request all sorts of information from the A.I., but he didn’t feel comfortable invading someones privacy like that.   
“How old are they?”  
 _“Miss Beatrice May Parker is one year and ten months old, Mister Benjamin Wade Parker is one month old.”_  
Almost two years ... close to Sarah’s age. And the little boy could be from the last mission to the bases. 

Steve’d always been a morning person, so it was another hour until they could meet up. And there was still some video footage from the first mission of the new Avengers’ trainees waiting for him to go through.   
“Tell him I’ll meet him at the last floor,” he said, referring to the last available meeting place before the Avengers private floors began.   
_”Message sent.”_  
“Thank you, Jarvis.”  
 _”You’re welcome, Captain.”_

 

Eventually Steve caved in and watched a youtube video on how to lay out the carpet. When he was done, he admired his work for a moment, then coverd it all with plastic foil – he wanted to paint the walls next and didn’t want to risk ruining the bright carpet. 

Just as they’d agreed, Mr Parker – Peter, as he’d wanted to be called – met him at the last office floor, a baby strapped to his chest. He was sleeping soundly, his head leaned against Peter’s shoulder. Steve thought he looked very sweet, but at the same time he was sad seeing a little baby, because it reminded him that he’d missed this time in Sarah’s life, hadn’t been there for her earlier.   
“I met her, you know. The girl you told me about,” he said quietly, knowing that there were security cameras everywhere. On the private floors they were monitored as well, but most of the time Jarvis or Tony observed the recordings and kept quiet about it. But on the official floors the recordings were checked by regular security staff, and Steve really didn’t want to let anybody know just yet.  
“That’s ... kind of what I wanted to talk to you about,” Peter replied, his hand on Bennie’s back. “Look, I know it’s a hard time, I really do,” he said and pointed covertly to Bennie. “But I just thought it’d be ... nice ... if we could meet up? So the kids can play?”

So the baby was from the base, just as Steve’s guessed. Peter knew how it was to suddenly have a child and having to be a responsible parent. Eager to talk about their experiences and maybe get some tipps, Steve agreed. This could also be his opportunity to spend some alone time with Sarah – Peter had obviously gotten custody for two kids already, so Steve hoped if he put that into the document filing for a visit, he’d get an approval faster.   
“I hope this wasn’t too weird,” Peter smirked, wiping some drool off Bennie’s cheek with his thumb. He seemed tired, but happy, and Steve hoped that he’d be just as relaxed when he got Sarah.   
“It wasn’t. I’m actually glad ... that we can talk. It’s ... really complicated,” he admitted, from parent to parent. Peter nodded knowingly and promised that it would get better before they parted ways again.

Surprisingly enough Steve got the permission to take Sarah out for the day. He didn’t even have to mention meeting with Peter, he just kept this one for himself as a last resort – he wanted to be approved by himself and for how good he’d handle parenting.   
So when Steve got to the orphanage the day of their play date, Sarah was already waiting inside by the big staircase, dressed in jeans and a shirt, an outfit that’s withstand a day full of activity. Miss Eliza herself watched as Sarah jumped up and ran over to Steve, taking his hand and holding onto it tightly.Then she looked over her shoulder and said her goodbye to Miss Eliza, who watched her with a serious, slightly miffed expression.   
“Goodbye, have fun. See you at dinnertime,” she said and Sarah turned around without another word. Something about the little girl’s reaction seemed weird, but he could hardly ask her about it while they were around the house, so he waited patiently.   
“We go?” Sarah asked, practically bouncing next to him when they waited to cross the street in front of the orphanage. Steve had assumed she was looking for cars, but he soon realized that she was just looking around in general.   
“We go meet a friend to play,” Steve replied, scanning the road for cars and stepping onto the street when everything was clear. He would’ve loved to carry Sarah, but he couldn’t know how she’d react to that.   
He thought back to the mission reports he knew of, and if the rescued hostages didn’t have to stay at a hospital, they were sent right into witness protection or orphanages. Only now, when they were almost at the subway station, Steve realized that Sarah might never have been outside. It made him feel incredibly sad and he wanted nothing more than to show her the whole world.   
While they boarded the train, Steve dreamt of travelling with her and Bucky, letting her see the beach or the mountains, palm trees or snow packed grounds. 

 

“Sarah?” Steve asked when the train had entered the tunnels. Sarah’d been uncomfortable sitting on her own around so many strangers, so Steve had offered for her to sit on his lap, which she now did. She watched the tunnel walls fly by outside the window, but had her back turned to the other passengers, facing Steve instead.   
Now she looked up to him and just for a second, the look of complete trust in her eyes baffled Steve. She’d never been outside the orphanage or the base, never in a casual setting on her own, and had no way of telling what could happen during their trip. Still, she sat in Steve’s lap, holding onto his jacket and trusting him to keep her safe.   
“Yeah?” she whispered, looking out the window again when another station showed up. Her eyes glittered with interest as she watched people board or leave the train.   
“You said you didn’t like Miss Eliza. Why don’t you like her?”  
Sarah froze and looked down suddenly, her eyes darting left and right as if she feared she was caught in a trap.   
“You can tell me, Sarah. I won’t be mad, I just wanna know.”  
“She ... b’cos she’s a meanie.”  
“And why is she a meanie? Did she do something bad?”  
When Sarah looked up to him, there were tears in her eyes and Steve prayed to all gods that she wouldn’t start crying in a packed subway car.   
“I say ... I say wan’ go wi- Steeb. ‘N Miss ‘liza say ... she say no ... nine-four stay big house.”  
It took Steve a moment to understand her mumbled words, but he could almost hear his heart break a little once he did.   
“You asked to go with me?”  
Sarah nodded, her lower lip trembling.   
“Oh, my love,” Steve sighed quietly, puling her into a gentle hug. She sniffed against his shirt, but didn’t sob. Maybe that was because Steve had told her that they had to be quiet on the subway. God, he really had to watch his mouth around her - she thought she wasn’t allowed to cry!  
“I want you to go with me, too. But we have to be patient for a bit longer. Do you understand that?”

Sarah nodded and rubbed the eyes with the back of her hand.   
“I don’ wike it ... be pay-shun.”  
“I don’t like it, either. It’s called being impatient, when you don’t like it. I’m impatient, too,” he explained, taking a packet of tissues from his jacked and wiping Sarah’s nose and cheeks.   
He couldn’t believe it. This little girl, who barely spoke at all, actually asked to stay with him and was shut down like that. And why was that woman still calling her by her number and not her name? Sarah was proud of her new name, so she had to be quoting Miss Eliza still. 

Steve’s gaze wandered to the board just under the roof of the train car, which told them all the stations in the area. It wasn’t that far to the Tower anymore. They could just sit back and enjoy the ride home, and not come back to the orphanage.   
_Okay, calm down_ Steve told himself, taking a deep breath so he wouldn’t do something irrational.   
“Can you be a brave girl for me? Be patient for a bit longer? I promise you can go with me soon.”  
“Okay.”

 

They were the first to arrive at the park they decided to meet at. It was nice and sunny, but not too warm, so the kids would enjoy playing. Soon Peter walked around a corner, pushing a stroller with both kids on it. His daughter jumped off a board attached to the stroller and ran over to greet Steve and Sarah, shaking the girl’s hand happily.   
They were off in seconds, Bea pulling Sarah behind her by the hand, dashing off to the play structure nearby.   
“Well, that was easy,” Peter said with a grin and they steered towards one of the benches circled around the playground. The baby in the stroller woke up and kicked his legs until Peter lifted him out.   
“May I hold him?” Steve heard himself ask before his brain could catch up, but Peter agreed, handing him the baby. It was a weird feeling having such a small human in his arms, and for a moment he thought that it might have been like this had he found Sarah earlier.   
“I’m glad they get along so well. It’s nice to have Bea play with other children who are ... more like her. No offense,” Peter said, watching the two girls run over the sand and start climbing onto some logs stacked behind a slide.   
“None taken, I’m glad, too. It’s ... really a lot harder than I thought. Having a daughter,” Steve admitted quietly, watching as Ben curled his little hands into fists.   
“I hear you.”   
Peter leaned back, tipping his chin up to feel the sun on his face.   
“Is she living with you?” he asked after a while.  
“Not yet. But we ... I plan on taking her to me. She has nobody else,” 

It’d never crossed his mind before, but Steve wondered what happened to Sarah’s mother. There was nothing in Sarah’s records, not even a number or anything, so maybe the woman had passed away long before Sarah could be rescued.   
“She still lives at the orphanage for now, until I got a room ready for her. And ... well, maybe some more knowledge about parenting.”  
They both laughed at that and it felt good being not only with a fellow parent, but with someone who’s been through the same.   
“I can give you some tips, but the best one is to just keep calm. Things will go terribly wrong and that’s okay. She will probably cry and throw tantrums, but that’s how kids are,” Peter explained, fishing a pacifier out of the bag attached to the stroller, to put it into Ben’s mouth. The baby suckled on the rubber and calmed down, curling his legs in a bit.   
“Well, then I hope I’ll ever be that relaxed.”  
“You’re gonna be.”  
“Do any of the books help?”  
“Not much,” Peter answered honestly, wiping out Steve’s hopes for reading up on how to be a good parent. Then again, it was probably still helpful to read a bit, especially regarding Sarah’s possible trauma, but Steve decided he’d just leave the other books on his tablet unread until he really needed some advice from it. “Well, the ones for potty training are okay, but I guess you won’t need those.”  
“Not so much, no. I feel like I’ve skipped a few important milestones with her, thought.”  
“Hmm, yeah. But there’s still so much ahead.”  
“Maybe a few more then I can even think of now. She doesn’t really know much about the real world.”  
”She was in a base all that time?” Peter asked and suddenly, in the middle of a park filled with parents and kids and young people playing games or chatting, Steve had the urge to pour out his heart. The words just spilled out of him, everything that had gone through his mind the past few days.  
“Yeah. She doesn’t talk much, at all, and she just ... I don’t know, she agrees to everything just because I say it would be fun or great. That’s ... odd. She doesn’t have much of an opinion about anything.  
After you told me, I went there right away to see her. I thought ... well, I don’t know what I thought. Maybe that she’d be like that boy we had to take to the hospital. Lethal and angry and brainwashed. Something I’d be shocked and scared to see. But none of that happened. She was playing with a doll, looking so sweet, and she smiled at me.  
They’d not yet given her a name, all she had was a number. I named her Sarah. My mother’s name was Sarah.”  
“It fits her. A beautiful name,” Peter said easily and Steve was glad to have met with him. Maybe they could be friends outside of work, he thought.   
They talked about parenting or just life and Steve got to hold Ben for the rest of the afternoon, until it was time for them to get going.

When they called the girls back over to the bench, Steve watched with interest how Peter changed Bea’s socks. They were covered in sand that would otherwise just pour out in the hallway at home. He made a mental note to bring extra socks for Sarah next time.   
The girls were happy about the prospect of meeting again, and Bea promised to bring some pony toys.. It occured to Steve that he had no idea what kind of toys Sarah liked, but appearantly ponies were one of them.   
He would’ve love more time with her, but didn’t want to risk being late, so they were on their way back too soon. 

 

There were a few more big tears when the orphanage came into view, and for the first time ever Sarah was the one asking for a hug. They held each other for quite a while and Steve’s heart hurt when he had to let go of her and get up.   
”Alright, my love, I’ll come back soon. You be patient like we said, okay?”  
“Yeah. I pay-shun.”

Steve brought her in then, glad when nobody notice she’d been crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a Tumblr! [Follow me](http://lunarogersofficial.tumblr.com/) if you like :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys :D So sorry for being MIA last week, work just got crazy - a big ol' Boo for understaffed places! 
> 
> Back to the story: with Bucky gone, we'll see Steve dealing with things all on his own, so have fun reading <3

Sarah’s words and her teary eyes followed Steve all the way home, and left him unable to sleep. He tossed and turned for a while in the empty bed, then gave up and pulled on sweatpants and trainers to head down to the gym floor. 

On his way down he saw that there was still light on Tony’s shop floor, deep underground the tower. Steve stopped the coach and stepped out, needing to talk to someone.  
“A fellow insomniac!” Tony greeted, both arms buried into some kind of machines. Wires and metal parts stuck out everywhere and even to the untrained eye whatever this thing was seemed absolutely destroyed. But it wasn’t Tony if he didn’t try fixing it anyway.   
“Yeah, had a long day ... a lot to think about ...” Steve muttered, looking around and spotting an empty corner on one of the workbenches. He sat down, legs dangling in the air, and watched as Tony took a different tool from dummy, fiddling with it inside the machine.   
“Visited the orphanage today?”  
“Yeah.”  
“She okay?”  
”Oh, yeah. A real sweetheart. We were out on a playdate with Parker’s kids today.”  
Of course Tony knew about Sarah and about the playdate probably as well – there were hardly any secrets to keep from that man. He probably knew Steve and Bucky had ordered her furniture, too. 

He was also the one who funded most of the orphanages, just to keep the government’s nosy agents out of it. That reminded Steve of something ...  
“Tony, why won’t the orphanage allow visits outside the premises? I practically insisted, so they let me go with Sarah, but ... they seemed to dislike it a lot.”  
Tony hummed, staring inside the machine, and Steve thought he hadn’t listened.   
”’Cause it’s dangerous.”  
Steve looked up suddenly, a sinking feeling in his stomach.   
”Is there still someone going after the children?” he asked, about ready to run out in his training clothes and get Sarah out of this house should she not be safe there.   
“We just ... wanna make sure nobody’s getting their hands on the kids again. SHIELD is a bit too interested in them for my liking, so I ordered the staff to keep everything on the down low.”  
“What would they want with the kids?” Steve asked, watching Tony roll around the machine on his chair. Dummy followed him with a quiet whirr of his wheels and held out another tool.   
“Because a lot of them have very strong powers. Dangerous powers, maybe. And SHIELD doesn’t like Xavier having more say about mutants than them, and they really don’t like the Avengers now having more say about the mutant kids.”  
“They want to use them,” Steve concluded, staring down at his hands that had balled up into fists without him noticing. Yeah, he’d really like to punch something now.   
“Yup. And even if it’s just for testing, because technically some of them aren’t children in the sense of offspring, but more clones.”  
“I just want Sarah to come home,” Steve sighed out of the blue, worn out from running and not sleeping. He missed her already, even though they had just seen each other that very day. “I hate that the whole paperwork takes so long ... do you think it’s got something to do with Bucky? They wanted to know how I live, so ...”  
“No, no, that’s not it,” Tony said. “It’s just ... well, we don’t want to move the kids so much. We don’t have definitive proof, but I don’t think we’re done with Hydra just yet.”  
“Will we ever...” Steve grumbled, eyeing the schematics that flew through the air all around them. It was remarkable that humanity had come so far technologically, but was still so corrupted and rotten in the mind that it allowed something like Hydra to exist.   
“So SHIELD wants the kids ... and Hydra wants the kids ...”  
“And we wanna keep the kids,” Tony concluded, throwing a wrench to the floor and turned his chair to face Steve. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days, which wasn’t all that unusual for him, but he also looked worried.   
“Steve, you have to make sure that nobody gets their hands on that girl. I know the orphanage takes forever to get her papers, but that’s because the work as far away from the government as they can. So that authorities only get to know of the kids when everything’s under wraps.”  
“You think the government is in on it,” Steve said, already having feared that much. He made a mental note to look into some laws that could endanger their family later. 

“Just look at all the bullshit coming from the mayor.” Tony replied darkly, swiping his hand through the air to shoot one of the holographic screens Steve’s way. It was a collection of news articles discussing the mayor’s new and pretty conservative stance towards mutants and their children.  
Just last week a new law had been passed that forbid mutant children and human children together at the same institutions. Everything under the flimsy cover of more safety for both parties, but the real intentions were clear enough. There was even mandatory testing to ensure no children with an x-gene got mixed in.   
“This is sick,” Steve mumbled, worrying what kind of world his daughter would have to grow up in. Although technically the remnants of Erskine’s serum in her blood wouldn’t count the same as the c-gene, Steve was’t naive enough to assume authorities would let that slide. Theyd’d find a way to exclude his daughter. 

“Tony, if the goverment’s in on this-“  
“Then we’re royally fucked. They’re separating human and mutant children.”  
“But why?” Steve mused, scanning the text again. Everything was written to make the mayor out to be the big hero, fighting for children’s education and well-being.   
“To make the ones from the bases easier to find? Mutant facilities are rare enough as it is, there’d only be a few around,” Tony said and Steve got the feeling that they were still so deep into this whole conspiracy and not on top like he’d assumed.   
“After all, it would be a huge deal if children were abducted from regular daycare centres or kindergartens. Bur if that happened to mutants, nobody bats an eye,” Tony continued, sounding disgusted at the whole ordeal.  
“I can hear the news already ... local mutant community under attack by extremist group resulting in five minors missing – now the weather.”  
Tony chuckled without amusement, nodding along.   
“We have to do something.”  
“You already did so much by creating the orphanages,” Steve said, hoping Tony wouldn’t look down upon himself just because there were such twisted individuals lurking after the kids. They were safe now.   
“Yeah, but it’s not enough ... I was thinking about keeping one or two of the houses long-term and making a daycare or pre-school out of it – mutants only, because fuck the government.”  
Steve thought about Peter’s comment that he liked his daughter to be with children who were more like her. They hadn’t talked about it, but it sounded like little Bea might have a stronger mutation, some powers that would make human children and parents uncomfortable.   
“Does the government know about S.I.’s daycare? The kids there are in mixed groups.”  
“Yeah, they’ve already tried to get more info on that, but I just told them to suck it ...”  
Suddenly there was a gleam in Tony’s eyes that made Steve smirk. He was having some kind of genius idea again.   
And sure enough Tony pulled one of the screens towards him and began typing hectically on it. When Steve got ready to push himself off the table and leave Tony to his tech – there was no use talking to him when he was working on something new and exciting – the billionare stopped him with a waving hand.   
“Wait, wait ... your thoughts on ... this,” he said and turned the screen to Steve to let him see. 

It showed a model of Stark Tower’s upper floors – the rooftop terrace and the landing pad, then Tony’s two private floors. Next were the ten floors reserved for Avengers members and underneath those was their shared floor with an entertainment centre and all kinds of games.   
Under that Steve knew there were meeting rooms, the ones he’d met at with Peter, but on this shematic there were two floors blinking bright blue.   
Steve tapped the screen and the picture zoomed in. The walls showed colorful designs and each wide room door had a different color. There were rooms for playing, napping, bathrooms, even two that looked like classrooms with all the desks arranged into a wide circle.   
“You wanna build that?” Steve asked, a smile on his lips. He’d have Sarah close and she could get to play with other kids. And they’d all be safe at the Tower.   
“Yeah. Move the existing daycare floor up and add another one to it. For all S.I. employees’ kids, regardless if mutant or no.”  
“That’s a great idea.”  
“I do what I can,” Tony replied nonchalantly but Steve knew that he was taking this very seriously.   
“So, since you like kids so much, how about you and Pepper?” he asked, wanting to lighten the mood a little by teasing his friend. Tony’s eyes grew large and there was a hint of a blush around his beard that made Steve laugh.   
“I got a lot to do here, didn’t you wanna go work out or something?” Tony asked, turning in his chair and rolling it over to the machine he’d been working on.   
“No answer is a good answer, too,” Steve laughed and pushed off the workbench.   
“I’ll name it the Steve Rogers Memorial Daycare if you go on mocking me!” 

 

Still with a smile on his lips, Steve arrived at the gym and got himself two punching bags, putting them up next to each other and taking position in the middle. He started with a few breathing exercises to clear his mind before starting a routine of punches and kicks, alternating between the punching bags. At some point they began swaying and Steve practiced dodging as well.   
While his muscles heated up and he felt that satisfying burn, he thought about the conversation with Tony. The kids were still in danger. Would probably be for as long as Hydra was still around.   
They were nowhere near done, yet, but Steve was determined to find every last one of the people who thought up the torture Sarah and all those other innocent women and children had to endure. 

When the second punching bag broke, emptying its sand onto the floor in a quiet whisper, Steve was satisfied with his workout and began cleaning up. They did have staff for that, but Steve never felt good leaving the gym in such a desolate state – which is was most of the times when he’d been at it. He boarded the elevator and went for a quick shower, falling into bed when the sky already began turning pink. 

Steve woke up around noon, looking around the empty bed moodily before pushing himself to get up. He didn’t care much about his usual morning run, because it wasn’t technically morning anymore.   
He turned on the news on TV just so somebody was talking while he popped some slices of bread into the toaster and started the coffee maker. 

He wouldn’t get to see Sarah today and that made him grumpy. And he wouldn’t see Bucky either, judging by the messages on his phone. Steve sighed when he read them, his lover telling him the mission would take up two more days. Bucky was with Nat and Clint and the three of them probably got up to all kinds of shenanigans in their downtime. Steve wouldn’t be surprised to find a video of yet another sharpshooting competition on the Avengers’ private servers at the end of the day. 

 

All by himself once again, Steve went to the city to do some shopping for Sarah. She got all of her things, including her beloved doll, from the orphanage and could probably keep them, but Steve wanted her to have some things of her own when she came to live with them. She also needed some warmer clothes for the upcoming seasons and Bucky preferred shopping online – the less time he had to spend in crammed stores the better. So essentially Steve did both of them a favor as he wandered through clothing stores.

Steve’d asked for her current clothing size at the orphanage and just asked the clerks in the stores for help regarding her new clothes.   
“I’d wait with buying shoes, because she might just have a growth spurt before winter and then you’re stuck with too small shoes she never wore,” a young woman at a children’s clothing store told him. She’d taken it upon herself to follow him through the entire store and pick Sarah’s fall wardrobe with him. Steve wasn’t sure whether she recognized him or not, but if so then at least she wasn’t making a big deal out of it. 

Within two hours Steve had put together a handful of outfits and basic clothes for Sarah, hoping that she’d like it. But give her nature, Steve would just have to tell her it looked beautiful and she’d be all good. He kind of hoped she’d find at least one of the items he’d gotten her hideous, and told him as much. 

Back home he spent the rest of the day painting Sarah’s wall and the door to her closet, the familiar weight of the brushes in his hands and the vibrant colors lifting his mood again. By the end of the day, when Steve had ordered some Pizza for himself – he didn’t like cooking alone – he could roll up the plastic sheets from the floor, leaving an empty, but already cheerful looking room behind. 

 

The next day Steve had his appointment with the psychologist who’d decide whether or not he was fit for parenting. Steve really hoped that the guy was on his side, because even though he’d gone through three books, he felt like he still didn’t have an idea about it all.   
He was anxious about the meeting, not wanting to do something wrong.  
The only good thing about it was that it took place at the orphanage, so Steve had the chance to meet with his best girl.

Steve only had about an hour left until the meeting, but he wanted to see Sarah nontheless. She was happy and ran out of her room this time, hugging him when he kneeled down for her.   
“I missed you. Do you have a good day?” he asked, kissing her head briefly.   
“Yeah, is good. We puh-way ... a song.”  
“Oh, that sounds fun.”  
“We go walk?” Sarah asked, taking his hand right away and turning to the big double doors that lead to the garden.   
“Yeah, just for a bit. I’ve got a lot to do today, but I wanted to see you,” Steve explained honestly, and was glad to see Sarah’s bright smile at that.   
“So what did you do today?” Steve asked while they were walking through the gardens in the back hand in hand. It felt so good having her close, Steve would have loved to just hold her hand all day and go home with her.   
“I learn ... I’m widdle ... tea-pot ... short ‘n ... out ... an’ pour me out!”   
“Wow, awesome!”  
“Yay!”  
Steve laughed with her, happy that she liked learning, and that she wasn’t so shy about talking anymore. He wanted to tell her so much, about her new room, about the clothes he’d put into a glittering bag with butterflies on them and given to one of the nannies, so Sarah’d find them in her room later. But those were all surprises, so Steve put his mind to something else.   
“Do you wanna go out again? Was that fun?” he asked, watching Sarah carefully. Sometimes she’d agree to things and not look happy about it, and Steve wanted to make sure that she wasn’t just humouring him.   
“Yeah!” she said happily, bouncing up and down while holding his hand.   
“Then we’ll go out again soon,” he promised, wanting to give her something to look forward to. For him, just knowing he could see her was enough to be happy, and he hoped it was the same for her. 

All too soon they had to get back and of course Sarah looked sad again.   
“Hey, you know what?” Steve said with a smirk, knowing just what would get his best girl to smile again.   
“What?” she asked, looking up to him when they were at the big staircase leading up, and there were kids’ voices sounding from upstairs. Steve wouldn’t be able to follow her up there and there was already a nanny waiting close by, a knowing smile on her lips – she was the one who’s taken the bag from Steve when he got there.   
“I’ve got a surprise for you. You know what a surprise is?”  
He had to ask, because he couldn’t know. And sure enough Sarah shook her head, but her eyes were gleaming with interest, and there was already a small smile playing around the corners of her lips.   
“A surprise is a gift, something nice you get, but I won’t tell you what it is. So you’ll have to go look for it,” he explained, hoping to make some sense. Sarah thought about his words, her light brows drawing together.   
“Like ... a twe-sha? From pirate?”  
“Oh, yeah, something like a treasure. But it’s just for you.”  
“Where is it?” Sarah asked, bouncing on her toes.   
“It’s somewhere in the house, you’ll find it today,” he said when he knelt down in front of her. They hugged each other close and then Steve left Sarah with the nanny so they could go up and hunt for her surprise.   
“Bye bye, see you soon,” Steve said happily, waving to Sarah, who showed him a bright smile and waved back. 

Steve went down to the little infirmary that each of the orphanages had – just a room with a few beds for kids with a flu or sprained ankle, a doctor’s office and a sterile room to treat minor injuries. The doctor was waiting for him at a small room at the end of the hall, decorated with prints of abstract paintings, thick, comfortable chairs scattered around a coffee table laden with brochures.   
“Captain Rogers,” the doctor said, shaking Steve’s hand before he invited him to sit. He introduced himself as Dr. Greene and immediately set to work checking some important points. Steve was actually glad for that, because having himself scrutinized like this wasn’t something he’d like to have for long.   
“Can you tell me a bit more about where Miss Sarah would live? I recon it’s the famous Tower?”  
“Yeah, for security reasons. It’s much easier to keep press out of the Tower and we’d always have someone to watch her,” Steve hurried to say, not wanting to seem unprepared. He even took out his phone and showed the doctor pictures of Sarah’s future room.   
“I got some documents saying you won’t raise her alone – how did your ... partner react to you bringing Sarah in?”  
There it was. The subject that Steve had desperately hoped they could just ignore. He didn’t want to talk to a stranger about Bucky. But it couldn’t be helped.   
“Well, uh ... he’s great about it, really. He supports my decision fully and ... I mean, it’s been complicated, of course, suddenly having a child. But we’re confident about it,” Steve said, hoping that he sounded like he meant it. He did, but he was nervous about it.   
“That’s good to hear. Very good,” Dr. Greene mumbled, taking some notes on a sheet of paper attached to a clipboard. It was a rather old-fashioned way of taking notes, especially for someone working with S.I., but Steve liked it. 

“Do you have anything you want to share? Any worries, thoughts?” the doctor asked, looking up through his glasses. They weren’t very thick, and maybe he wore them more as a fashion statement than neccessity.   
Steve tried not to look panicky, but he sure felt like it. He didn’t want to admit to his weaknesses, he wanred to be strong for Sarah.   
“We’ve ... of course talked about her possible trauma. How we’d deal with that if it comes up,” he began slowly, inching his way into the topic carefully. “We want her to have all the support she needs, also in regards to her speech.”  
“I guess you both have your share in dealing with trama, you and Mr. Barnes,” the doctor prompted and that was something Steve really didn’t venture into. Bucky’s had a hard time opening up to his own therapist, and Steve was so proud of him for all the work he’s put in to find back into the world. Steve wouldn’t talk about any intimate details.   
“We do, which is why I think we can help Sarah if she needs it. We’ve been there, both of us. We would understand her even if she herself couldn’t find the right words.”  
Dr. Greene nodded and wrote something down again, and from the relaxed lines around his shoulders Steve concluded he’d said the right thing.

Thankfully the doctor changed the topic after that, they didn’t talk about Bucky anymore, but instead about parenting in general. Steve was proud to talk about the books he’d read, and that he had a good advisor in Peter Parker.   
Soon enough their hour was over and all it took was one doctor’s signature on a single document and Steve was ready to become a parent. The date for his evaluation with Sarah would be in another week, and Steve hoped Bucky would be back by then, so they could meet up somewhere after that and spend some family time. 

 

Their home felt too empty again once Steve was home, he missed Bucky and Sarah, and had a hard time sleeping again. Around midnight he got back up to soak and wash Sarah’s new clothes and install curtains in her room, counting the hours before he could see her again.   
After he was done with the curtains, Steve carried some of the boxes containing her furniture from the hallway into the room, ready to keep him busy another night. 

He knew he was being a bit overdramatic once again and Bucky would mock him for it if he knew Steve didn’t sleep when he was alone, but there was nothing he could do about it. After some cleaning up Steve slipped into bed in the early morning hours, and just like the day before he got up at noon to fix himself a snack and start looking up new cars online – they’d really need one with Sarah, and Steve wanted to get a safe and efficient model. 

 

The very day that Bucky and the rest of the Team were scheduled to return home, Steve had another date with his best girl. He had hoped Bucky would be home in time to go with him, but no such luck. According to his latest text, Bucky wouldn’t be home by late evening.  
 _”But I’d love another picture”_ he’d texted, which made Steve smile so much his cheeks started hurting. 

Steve took his bike to the orphanage, parking it a few streets away just in case it was too obvious if it stood right by the house. He also never saw other cars parking there and he assumed it was for safety reasons – no bugs or options to plant bombs there.

Steve grinned when he saw Sarah run to him through the main hall, wearing the outfit of black pants and a white shirt with a lion printed on he’s gotten her the other day. Her hair was styled in two little knots on the side of her head, making it look a little like a lion’s ears.   
“Well, don’t you look sweet,” Steve laughed when Sarah jumped into his arms, hugging him close.   
“Thank you!” she called, giggling when Steve picked her up and carried her to the door. He was surprised that she let him do it – she had been a bit apprehensive about physical contact. It had felt so natural to pick her up like that, but Steve let her down again when they were on the sidewalk, taking her hand instead. 

“Where we go?” Sarah asked a block from the orphanage, watching the traffic passing by with interest. Steve wondered whether she’s ever been somewhere casually. Probably not, the rules at the orphanage were pretty strict and taking the kids out for trips was too risky.   
“We’re going to have some ice cream,” he said and slowly reached down to pick her up, making sure she had time to back up. She didn’t, though, and held onto his shoulders, observing the traffic and people passing around them. “Which flavour do you like best?”  
“Dunno.”  
”Haven’t you tried ice cream?  
“No.”  
Right, yeah. Dumb question.  
The orphanage had a very healthy menu, so while there may be desserts on there, ice cream probably wasn’t part of it.   
“Well, it’s very yummy. You’ll like it.”  
”Okay.”  
Her acceptance of just about everything he said made him wonder when and how she was to develop her own opinions. He’d have to be careful not to fall into some kind of suggestion with her, but to just show her the world and let her decide how she liked things. 

A bit later they were at an italian place that had the best ice cream around. Steve had Sarah sample all the flavors she wanted and ultimately she decided on chocolate. They had about a dozen more sample cups with toppings on their table and Steve just let Sarah try those as well. Surprisingly she didn’t want any of that on her ice cream, but liked to eat the gummy bears and strawberries by themselves. She liked to look at the sprinkles and tried them, but said they’d make her ice cream dirty. And the M&M’s she didn’t even touch, just looking at them suspiciously. 

They took a picture of the two of them with their ice cream cups and looked at some more photos on Steve’s phone. Sarah mentioned that she liked Bucky’s long hair.   
“Is pwetty,” she said  
“Did you have long hair?” he asked and briefly touched one of the little knots of hair on the side of her head. Sarah’s smile wavered a little but she didn’t seem upset at the question.   
“Yeah,” she whispered, pulling on a strand of hair that had fallen into her forehead. Steve thought that maybe she didn’t quite like her hair that short, but it had probably been neccessary to cut it off.  
“Well, I love your hair. It’s very pretty,” he said, watching Sarah smile to herself. 

“Oh, look what Bucky’s sent,” Steve said when a message came in, showing Sarah a picture Bucky’d taken of the sunset over a city skyline. It wasn’t clear which city it was – exactly the point of a covert mission – but the photo was beautiful nonetheless.  
“Oooh. I wike it.”  
“I like it, too. Bucky likes sunsets.”  
“I wike ssun. Is nice.”  
The way she said it reminded Steve that she hadn’t gotten to see the sun in a very long time, and he immediately wished to surprise her with a vacation someday. Go somewhere where she’d always be in the sun, all day long. 

_”I can’t fucking park my bike, Steve!”_  
Bucky’s outraged text came in right at dinnertime, and Steve went down to the parking levels to see what was up with that. When Steve had gotten home that afternoon he’d be just fine, leaving enough space for Bucky’s own motorcycle. 

“Hey, welcome home,” he greeted happily when he spotted Bucky in the parking lot, walking quicker just to be with him sooner. While he’d been standing there with his arms crossed and a tense line between his brows, Bucky’s expression got softer right away when Steve got close to him. He tipped his head up for a kiss and then nodded towards their usual parking spot. 

Where, instead of Steve’s bike, a shiny new car stood. 

Of course Tony would always know when someone of the Team tried to buy tech, so now there was their new family car, complete with a brochure on the roof stating that it was a custom made electric model. Steve wondered whether Tony had this one made for himself some time ago – he owned a massive fleet of vehicles – or for them specifically. There were keys inside the brochure and Steve opened the car to peek inside.   
The windows and doors were thicker than with usual cars and Steve was actually glad about that. Those were probably bulletproof.   
There were three monitors inside the car, one in the main console and two in the back rest of each of the front seats, so passengers in the back could watch something on it.   
Steve smiled when he spotted a brand new children's carseat in the backseat, already strapped in. It was a pretty heavy looking model with a five-point seatbelt, keeping Sarah safe on the road. The fact that there was a pink plush unicorn strapped into the seat confirmed Steve’s theory that Tony did have a huge soft spot for children.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week we're going to switch back to the Spideypool side of things, so stay tuned! :D
> 
> [Follow me](http://lunarogersofficial.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr if you like <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! :D   
> I'm so sorry for just dropping off the radar for so long, but it just couldn't be helped. I was in hospital for about a month and after that I wanted to focus on getting better first, mentally and physically, before I start writing again. Now I'm feeling much better and I'm really happy to write again :D Hope you're having a wonderful day and a good time reading <3

“That fucker bought us a car?”  
“Yup.”  
Bucky huffed, his hands back on his hips.  
“Is it a good one, though? It’s because of Sarah, right?”  
“It is, but I hadn’t even decided on a car, just looked around. Guess uncle Tony wanted to help us out,” Steve mentioned with a grin in the direction of one of the security cameras. No doubt Jarvis would show Tony the footage.   
“Heh, uncle Tony,” Bucky muttered, taking Steve’s hand to lead him to the elevator. He simply left his bike standing behind the car, probably in the way, but that was mainly Tony’s problem, because most of the other cars around this area were his. 

Without needing to exchange big words, Bucky pulled Steve into his arms the moment the elevator doors closed behind them. The cabin rushed up smoothly while Steve felt like his whole world shifted and Bucky was the only thing still anchoring him. 

“I missed you,” Steve whispered against Bucky’s lips, kissing him over and over again, unable to stop.   
“Mhhyoutoo.”  
They both laughed into the kiss and stumbled into their apartment when the elevator doors slid open quietly. Bucky threw his bag onto the floor carelessly and pushed Steve in the direction of the sofa.   
He opened his eyes in surprise when Steve grabbed the collar of his jacket, pushing Bucky backwards through the room. 

Bucky’s body was slammed hard into the wall but he just laughed, his metal hand whirring quietly when he reached out to run his fingers through Steve’s hair. He couldn’t feel it really, the sensation too minimal for the sensors in his hand to register, but he liked the visual.   
A shiver ran down Bucky’s spine when Steve kissed down the left side of his neck, pulling at Bucky’s shirt until he reached the scars on his left shoulder. The skin there was a mixture of overly sensitive and numb patches and Steve knew just how to make Bucky shiver under his lips.   
Bucky’s jacket rustled to the floor and he smirked when Steve pushed both his hands under his t-shirt. Steve’s fingers traced every muscle and no doubt he was also searching for injuries. Thankfully the mission had gone smoothly and aside from a faint bruise over Bucky’s left hip bone there was nothing to be found. 

When he leaned back, Steve’s eyes lingered on the blemish and his fingers gently skimmed the tender skin. Then he bunched Bucky’s shirt up by his collarbone and the brunet sighed under his lover’s tongue tracing lines onto his chest and down towards his belly button.   
Reluctantly Bucky let go of Steve’s hair to pull the shirt over his head, then reaching over to roughly pull at Steve’s sweater.

Steve pushed Bucky back onto the wall, pressing his lips to Bucky’s stomach and biting the skin teasingly. The brunet reached for his belt but Steve shoved his hands away, jostling Bucky when he tugged at his belt instead.

By the time they reached the bed they were both completely naked, their clothes abandoned somewhere in the hallway. Bucky hastily pulled the blankets aside and threw them towards the foot of the bed while Steve grabbed a bottle of lube from the drawer next to the bed.   
Bucky’s mouth watered at the sight of Steve kneeling between his spread legs, pouring lube onto his fingers. He wanted to urge Steve to hurry, to not waste time being overly gentle with him and just take him, but Bucky knew that wouldn’t work.   
Instead, Bucky moved his hips by himself the moment Steve’s fingers pushed into him, kissing the blond senseless, watching in satisfaction how Steve’s eyes darkened by the second. 

It didn’t take long for Steve’s resolve to crumble and he roughly manhandled Bucky onto his stomach and pulled his hips up. Bucky laughed when Steve peppered soft kisses onto his back, contrary to how he was holding him, fingers digging into Bucky’s thighs.   
After slicking himself up Steve pushed into Bucky’s body, keeping up a steady pace until he could press their hips together. Bucky groaned, a shiver running up and down his spine when he tried to relax fully, let the stress of the past days seep out of his body. 

Steve’s hands travelled over Bucky’s back, massaging the tense muscles around his shoulders when he began moving his hips carefully, a steady but slow slide in an out.   
“Are you okay?” he asked, his breath ghosting over Bucky’s neck, followed by his lips tracing the dips of his back muscles.   
“Yeah. I’m great,” Bucky said, smirking to himself as he heard Steve breath out a quiet laugh. 

Steve picked up the pace then until they’d worked up a steady rythm, Bucky eventually pushing back to meet his thrusts. The brunet allowed himself to lose himself just for a while, let the sensations drown out all thoughts. 

When he opened his eyes again, Bucky realized that he was holding onto the frame of the bed, the headboard already denting under his fingers. He carefully eased his grip off as much as he could, the metal joints on his left hand whirring quietly. 

“Harder,” he gasped out and let go of the headboard completely so he wouldn’t crush it. Steve just growled behind him, strong arms circling Bucky’s waist and pulling him to the side suddenly. Bucky actually laughed when they fell onto the ground with a loud thud, the only place where they were somewhat safe from destroying furniture. His laugh quickly turned into a moan as Steve didn’t miss a beat, thrusting into his body hard.   
Closing his eyes, Bucky let hid forehead drop to the carpet and gave all control to Steve. The stress of the past days was slowly drowned out by each of the kisses Steve pressed onto his back, by every soft stroke and demanding grip of his hands on Bucky’s skin. 

 

In the early morning hours, after a long hot shower, they fell into bed together, holding each other tight and finally coherent enough to talk.   
“So, how’re things with Sarah?” Bucky asked quietly, leaned into the pillows behind him. Both his arms were around Steve’s shoulders, holding the blond to his chest.   
“Great. She’s such a sweetheart ...” Steve replied, hesitating because he wasn’t sure if he could just say what was on his mind. He didn’t mean to burden Bucky with everything that had happened just as he got back.   
“What is it?”

“We ... we’ve got an evaluation next week, me and Sarah. She’s doing very well, but I know she’s not happy at the orphanage, not really. She has asked the nannies if she can go with me, but they had to say no. It all takes so long.”  
“She’s gonna be here soon. You guys’re really head over heals for each other, huh?”  
Steve laughed, feeling happiness surge through him as he thought of Sarah.   
“It’s strange, we just kind of clicked. We just belong together. – Hey, do you wanna meet her next week? After our evaluation I’m sure we could go out and meet you,” Steve said, already envisioning a nice day at the park with just the three of them. Maybe more of a daydream, because there sure were other kids and parents around, but whatever.   
“Uh, yeah, why not,” Bucky said, but didn’t sound too eager. Steve didn’t mention it, guessing that he’d gotten too far ahead of himself.  
He didn’t even know if he could take Sarah to meet people, but then again Bucky was family and they should get to know one another. Still, he wouldn’t push the topic any further, so he let his hands trail over Bucky’s sides until they both fell asleep. 

The next day they turned their phones off and spent some time together alternating between watching movies and building the furniture for Sarah’s room. Bucky said he really liked the flowers and vines Steve’d drawn on her closet door. He’d painted a set of twisted branches to the sides, laced with colorful flowers and sprawling out to meet at the top of the door.   
“It looks like there’s some kind of fairy kingdom behind the door,” Bucky joked while installing the new doorknob, which was also a round, pale pink flower, almost hiding in the painting around.   
“I hope she likes it. She’s never saying much about what she does and does not like, though ... maybe it’s because she doesn’t know.”  
“That’s nice in a way, isn’t it? So we get to find out with her.”  
Steve smiled, getting the distinct feeling that Bucky would be great with Sarah. While Steve was worrying almost constantly about everything, despite his past Bucky was the one who had a more positive outlook on things.   
“I guess, yeah. And it's not like her life has been good so far. So how would she know about good things.”  
“She'll fit well into the family,” Bucky chuckled, hinting at both their past in the war and the hardships faced after. 

 

The big day had finally come and Steve was once again a nervous wreck. He couldn’t screw this up. He absolutely hated letting other people decide whether or not he was a good father, but he would not let them see any faults in him. 

“Lookin’ good,” Bucky commented when he passed by the bedroom door, his tone smug and knowing.   
”I’m not trying to look good, I’m trying to look like a responsible adult,” Steve sighed, thinking that he might have to change again. His initial thought had been a suit, but that seemed ridiculous when he was just playing with Sarah in a monitored room. His second idea had been a dress shirt and more comfortable pants but he still felt overdressed. So in the end he stood in front of the bedroom mirror in dark jeans and a white t-shirt, hoping he’d look more like an adult and not so much like a teenager.  
“You do, yeah, absolutely. Very suburban Dad.”  
Steve turned to Bucky, raising an eyebrow when his lover grinned wide.  
“Come on, don’t worry so much. They’ll see how great you are with her.”  
“Hopefully.”  
“Steve,” Bucky said gently when he closed the distance between them, placing one hand on Steve’s shoulder and the other on the nape of his neck, pulling him into a careful hug. “It’s gonna be okay.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Don’t worry. Just be yourself.”  
“Yeah.”  
Bucky’s lips trailed over Steve’s temple in a sweet kiss and Steve felt himself smile before he knew what he was doing.   
“Better?”  
Steve nodded, leaning in for a real kiss.   
“A lot. Thanks.”  
“You got this.”  
“Yeah.”  
Steve nodded, leaning in for another kiss and then checking himself in the mirror again. A few minutes later he grabbed his keys and phone and headed out to meet Sarah. 

 

Before the evaluation began they got some time for just the two of them. Sarah asked why they wouldn’t go out as usual, and because Steve didn’t want her to be nervous, he just told her that he’d like being inside.

”I brought you something,” Steve announced and took the present out of his bag. It was wrapped in glittery paper and Sarah stared at it with equally shimmering eyes.   
“Oooh. Shiny,” she said and wandered around the box. It occurred to Steve that she might have no idea what a present was.   
“Yeah, and there’s something for you inside. A surprise. You gotta open it,” he assisted, showing Sarah where to rip the paper. She hesitated, but then tore a tiny bit off to inspect it closely.   
“It’s in here, see?” Steve said, lifting the torn edge of the paper to reveal a box. Sarah pulled it out of the paper and opened the lid when Steve told her so. He thought briefly that maybe he should have chosen a simpler wrapping, but then again he wanted her to have a real present.   
“This ... fo- me?” Sarah asked curiously, lifting the fabric from the box.   
“It is. See, that’s for your doll. And this one’s for you. You two match.”  
Sarah watched in awe as Steve unfolded a light pink dress with a flower pattern in her size, and a small one of the very same style for her doll.   
“Steeb, Steeb! Put on, puh-wease!” she suddenly said, louder than anything she’s said to him before.   
“Sure, we’ll put it on your doll,” Steve agreed and took her doll.   
“Me, too! Me!”  
“Yes, you’ll get your- no, wait – Sarah, uh ...” Steve stammered, keeping her from pulling her dress off. He wouldn’t be able to explain just why she was wearing something else when they’d be called in for evaluation.   
“We gotta be patient, okay? You can’t wear the dress now, but later you can. Come on, look what else is in the box.”  
Thankfully that distracted her and she examined the other contents of her present – A big box of colored pencils and a sketchbook with thick pages to draw in and a flower clip for her hair that she wanted to wear right away.   
“Is all me?” Sarah asked again, her eyes big and shimmering when she looked at herself on Steve’s phone. He thought he might just keep that picture as his background forever.   
Sarah was absolutely gorgeous with that baby pink flower in her hair.   
“Yeah, all for you. Do you like it?”  
“Yeah! Thank you!”  
Steve could tell that she spoke much better already, and he was glad she got by with the other kids so well and was learning with them.

A few minutes later they were called onto the hallway again and Sarah was a bit grumpy that she had to leave her presents behind, but was quickly consoled when she got to hold Steve’s hand on the way to the other room.   
“We puh-way ‘gain?”  
“Yeah, we play again,” Steve answered, already having mastered to understand Sarah.   
“Where’s eh-body?”  
“The others are playing, too, but all those toys are just for us today.”  
Steve grinned when he saw Sarah smile. Maybe she didn’t like to share everything, he thought, which was not that much of a bad thing. She’s probably not had many things of her own, and still didn’t, so today she got to pretend that it was all her toys. 

Since there was a big blackboard in the room, Sarah asked Steve to draw with her, and together they filled the entire board with pictures. While Sarah was working on a picture of what she claimed was a cat they’d seen roaming the gardens behind the house, her tongue sticking out in the process, Steve quickly sketched a portrait onto the board.   
Eventually Sarah fell quiet next to him and then she began inching closer, until she was sitting in Steve’s lap.   
“Steeb ... that me?” Sarah asked after a while, her voice quiet and her shimmering eyes glued to the board.   
“Yeah. That’s you.”

“I wike it,” was all Sarah said then, a content little smile on her lips, before she leaned into Steve’s chest and watched until he’d finished the picture. 

After their drawing session they cleaned the board again – only after Steve helped Sarah take a photo of his drawing of her on his phone, so she could look at it again later – and then they went to the little pretend kitchen. Steve wondered just how long this evaluation would last, because he guessed it had to be snacktime soon. In the afternoon the kids always got a little snack of fruit and milk, and Steve didn’t want Sarah to miss it.   
When he was sure he’d heard her stomach growl, Steve got up.   
“I’ll be right back, how ‘bout you pick a book for us to read?” he suggested and Sarah nodded enthusiastically, always loving books. 

Steve looked left and right in the hallway, but luckily he didn’t have to search around. The door next to him opened and an older, half-bald man stepped out.   
“Captain, what’s the matter?” he asked, shooting Steve a very scrutinizing look through his thin glasses.   
“I just wanted to ask how long we’ll have to stay. I wouldn’t want Sarah to miss her snack and I think she’s quite hungry.”  
“She didn’t say anything,” the man immediately shot back and Steve found he didn’t like him much. Maybe he was biased by him keeping Sarah from a meal.  
“She usually doesn’t say much, but her stomach’s growling. If you need some more time, could I just pick up a snack to take to her?”  
The man watched him for another moment, then he simply turned back to the door he came from.   
“We’ll get someone to bring food to you. Please return,” he muttered and Steve raised an eyebrow, but complied. He hoped he hadn’t made any major mistake, but then again he was very much in the right to ask for Sarah’s food. 

Surprisingly Sarah hadn’t picked a book, but asked him quietly if they could play with the building blocks instead.   
”Sure, let’s build a big castle,” Steve said and saw Sarah grin. They’d just read a story about a princess in a castle, and Steve knew she liked those even if she didn’t say it.   
“Wi- tow-ah!”   
“With a tower, yeah. So the princess can live in the tower, right?”  
“Yeah! High, high!” Sarah said happily and raised her little hand as far above her head as she could to show how high their tower should be. Steve grinned, thinking that she was probably the cutest girl in the whole world.   
They got to finish their building project and put a doll into a gap between the blocks on top of the tower, so the princess had moved in just when there was a faint knock on the door. Sarah looked up and her brows knit together in a worried expression when the door opened. Steve noticed how she was quickly hopping closer to him before their visitor noticed. 

One of the nannies stepped into the room, carrying a small plastic tray.  
"Is snack time?" Sarah asked quietly, stretching as she tried to get a look at the tray.  
"Yes, its snack time. I brought you milk and fruit so you can play some more in here," she explained nicely and Sarah nodded, but the way her eyes lingered on the woman told Steve that this seemed suspicious to her.  
The woman left quickly and Steve had Sarah sit down at a small crafting table while he sat opposite her on the floor.

“Cheers!” Steve said happily and tipped his milk carton to Sarah’s, who laughed at his antics. They talked a bit during their little meal and Sarah told him with her few words that they’d done some crafting the previous day.   
“What did you make?” Steve asked, always eager to know more about her days.   
“Mh ...” Sarah just hummed, then shrugged her shoulders, maybe because she didn’t have words.   
“I bet it was something real pretty.”  
That got her to smile again – being unable to communicate always made her shy, but Steve didn’t want her to be.   
“Is pwetty. I have ... but Miss say Steeb … no go ... up.”  
“No, I can’t, that’s right. But you can show me sometime later, I can be patient.”  
“Yeah, I be pay-shun, too.”

“Steeb,” Sarah said, looking around the room a bit as they collected their milk boxes and straw wrappers to put back onto the tray.   
“Yes?”  
“Why ... we here?”   
“Why we stay here? So we can play,” Steve replied immediately, feeling a sting in his heart that he had to lie to her.   
Sarah nodded, but the look she gave him told Steve that she knew something else was going on. Steve realized that she might have some kind of experience in being watched, and that she was more sensitive to odd things.  
“You wanna read another story?” Steve suggested, holding out his arms. Sarah nodded wordlessly and climbed into Steve’s lap, surprising him when she hugged him. When he leaned against the wall and opened the book, she looked at him again for a long moment, but turned and focused on the story. 

"Don't worry," Steve couldn't help but whisper into her ear as they looked at the pictures at the end of the book.  
Sarah's little hand held onto Steve's wrist as a silent okay, and once again her trust in him hit him hard. He really hoped that he was right in telling her this.  
"You wanna read some more?" Steve asked when Sarah didn't move away from him after their story was finished.  
"No."  
"Then what do you want to do?"   
"Can I ... see pic?"   
"Sure, lets look at some pictures. I put some new ones on the phone just for you."   
He'd kept that a surprise on purpose, because looking at photos of her future home and family always made Sarah happy. Sarah curled her legs in and leaned against Steve's chest she he opened the picture folder on his phone.  
She reached out with one finger and swiped to see the first picture.  
"Is new!" She announced happily she she spotted a photo of the Tower's private garden. One side of the common floor had been transformed into a little garden with a barbecue place, a little meadow and even a pond with small fish inside.   
"That's at home. We can have barbecues here and watch the fish - there's water here, see?"   
Sarah nodded eagerly and Steve helped her enlarge the picture to get a better view of the pond.  
"Is inside?" She asked then, pointing to the outlines of the massive windows around. Steve knew that this was more for show than anything, because most of the other floors had seamless glass walls.  
"Yeah, so we can be in the garden even if it rains outside."  
"Ooh. I wike this. Can I see?"   
"Sure, you'll see that soon."   
Sarah seemed satisfied with that and swiped for the next picture.  
This time, Steve had put some pictures of their friends and family to show Sarah. She spotted Bucky and even laughed when she saw a photo of Bucky and Nat's cat.   
One picture showed the three of them together at the breakfast table, talking and gesturing.  
"She's a friend, you know. I like her a lot."  
Sarah didn't comment on it and swiped for the next pictures. They looked through the folder and while they talked about this or that, Steve wondered if it would be a good idea to get her one of those children's cameras for Christmas. She seemed to like photos and Steve would love to see which kinds of motives she'd choose.  
Just when they'd reached the last picture - the one of Steve and Sarah he'd taken during their last meeting - the door opened again and the young woman from earlier came back in.  
"Playtime's over for today, Sarah."  
And for just a moment there Steve was convinced that she'd protest or cry, but Sarah just pressed her lips together and nodded. She got up from Steve's lap and waited for him to stand before reaching her arms up, letting Steve lift her into a hug.  
"See you soon, my love." He whispered, once again promising her silently that everything would be alright.  
Steve followed them to the hallway and watched Sarah leave for the private rooms upstairs. She didn't turn around and he didn't know whether he was happy or sad about that.  
"Captain Rogers, a word."  
He turned to face the same old man from before.   
"Of course."  
They went to the next room and Steve got to see the setup. He'd kind of expected a double mirror or some kind of analogue contraption that looks into the playroom, but there was only a massive flat screen monitor sectioned into eight views.  
Steve was unwell just looking at the empty room now, realizing that he'd allowed for his daughter to be watched by strangers.  
"First off, we want to thank you for your cooperation."  
Steve only now regarded the other people on the small room - there was another older man, the house mother who Steve remembered as Miss Eliza, and a woman in a grey suit who had talked to him.  
"Is there anything you want to say?"  
"I ... Just want what's best for Sarah so ... I hope I got to prove that."   
Steve hated that his words sounded so weak, but the fate of his family was in the hands of these people he didn't know, and even if no amount of Hydra goons could scare him, that sure did.  
"Let's begin the evaluation, then," the oldest of them said and a few still images appeared on screen.  
"Your interaction with Sarah was appropriate at all times and you also encouraged her to play which we noted as a positive - a lot of our children here have trouble just enjoying their childhood."  
Maybe that was because they were still being observed and evaluated, Steve thought while biting his tongue.  
"Sarah seemed very affectionate with you, why exactly is that? You have to understand, none of her caretakers ever noted her as being a very physical person."   
Steve prayed to god that they weren't misinterpreting their relationship. Trying to stay calm, he answered, "She's started doing that on her own. It was always her asking for hugs or to sit in my lap and ... Well, I would never turn her down I guess. It's hard for her to speak up anyway and she hasn't been treated very well, so however much or little physical contact she'd like to have, I'll happily give her."  
Steve had no idea if he'd said the right thing, but at least he'd been honest.  
"What exactly did you look at on your phone?" Miss Eliza now asked and Steve wondered why they didn't know. Maybe his screen had reflected the lights above.   
He quickly took out his phone and showed the folder - but not the individual photos since that was too private. He might be alright with people snooping around in his life because of Sarah, but he would allow that for his friends.  
"Its pictures from home. I always bring some for Sarah so she'd know what its like there."   
Be for they could even ask to see details of the pictures Steve quickly pocketed his phone again.  
"One more thing," the other man announced, speaking quietly. He seemed like a scholar and Steve wondered if he was a psychologist.   
"Can you explain this to us?"   
A short video played showing Sarah and Steve reading a book. They were about finished with the story and looked at the pictures on the back. "Don't worry" Steve could hear himself whisper to Sarah and dread filled him. This could very well be interpreted as him influencing her in some way.  
When in fact all he wanted to do was making his distraught daughter feel better.  
"Look ..." Steve began, swallowing his anger. "She noticed that something wasn't right. She doesn't like being watched and it made her nervous. So I wanted to make her feel better."   
They all took his words in for a moment, then it was surprisingly Miss Eliza who saved Steve.  
"I think you handled that quite well, Captain. Have some of my staff ever talked to you about the childrens' anxiety?"   
"No, there was no need. I know Sarah well enough by now."  
A heavy silence lingered in the room and finally she spoke again.   
“Well, it is evident that a lot of our children have troubles like anxiety or with expressing affection. And to be honest, even we don't know much about Sarah, because she hardly talks to the staff. Seeing her with you now, convinced me that she'd be in the right hands with you. She likes you, and you like her, that much is obvious. And you seem to take good care of her, regardless of your missing experience in parenting.”  
“I can only second that opinion. I don't think you should worry any further, Captain. Our report will be in your favour,” the psychologist now added and Steve wanted to hug all of them, but instead just shook their hands and thanked them. 

His hands shook a bit from excitement when he typed a quick message to Bucky as soon as he was outside the orphanage. They were so close to being a family that Steve had to pause on the sidewalk to take a deep breath. He was smiling like a n idiot the whole way home. 

 

A few days later Steve could finally pick Sarah up for their first big trip, now that their evaluation was over. Well, big for their circumstances, since it was just to a children's museum. Sarah found the packed subway station interesting, but preferred to be in Steve's arms the whole time.   
They met up with Peter and Bea at the museum and the two girls had a blast trying out all the different toys. Bea asked questions almost non-stop, wanting to know everything, while Sarah just pushed buttons and pulled levers first, and probably only listened with half an ear to the adult's explanations.   
"How'd your evaluation go?" Peter asked when they finally had some time to talk. The girls were running around a play area with all kinds of little ramps and slides, dropping plastic balls into the constructions to see where they went.  
"Pretty good. But it was ... strange being watched like this," Steve admitted, handing the sugar over to Peter after he'd added some to his coffee. Right in the middle of the room was an area with chairs and tables for the adults, from where they could have an eye on the kids.   
"I hear you. Ours was still at Shield. We didn't even know, they just left us in a room with Bea for a while."   
"I really wish they'd just leave us and the kids alone."  
Peter hummed into his coffee, a haunted look hidden in his eyes.   
"It's not even Bea I'm worried about, she's doing pretty well at everything. But Bennie's powers ... He won't be able to hide them ... The government's already out for powered children."   
“We'll make sure they won't get their hands onto the kids,” Steve promised, seeing Peter nod slowly. He didn’t have any idea if Bea had any powers nor if she’d ever show them, but just being a father now made Steve worry for all the other children out there who had powers. 

 

At the end of their little playdate, Steve took a picture of Bea and Sarah on one of the slides together, sitting at the very top and smiling bright.   
"We go back?" Sarah asked when they'd said goodbye and were walking down the sidewalk. When a traffic light came up Sarah reached out her arms and Steve lifted her up.   
"Not yet, we can have a snack first. And we gotta do something else before we go back, but that's a surprise." He said and wad happy to see Sarah smile at him.  
"Now? Then snack?"   
"Yeah, we can do that. It's on the way."   
They went to a store a few blocks down and Steve let Sarah pick a photo book she liked. When she'd decided on one with a meadow and flowers on it, Steve printed some pictures from his phone. Sarah watched the photo machine closely and picked each photo up one by one as soon as the machine spit them out, carefully putting them into the envelope Steve handed her. 

Later they got to a small diner around the corner and sorted their pictures while waiting for their food.   
"This too-day?" she said, picking up the picture of herself and Bea.   
"Yeah, that's from today."   
"What's that?" Sarah asks in awe when Steve started writing gold letters onto the first dark blue page of the book. He'd brought some varnish pens from home to finish off the book quickly.  
"I'm writing. It says that this book belongs to Sarah. See, that's your name."   
"Is so pwetty, Steeb .. I wike it 'lot."  
Steve smirked, happy to hear Sarah say that. He'd noticed lately that she talked a lot more around him, but barely around the other people at the orphanage. Maybe it had to do with her trusting him, Steve mused, but whatever it was, he was glad she spoke up at all.   
"I'm glad you like it, my love."   
Just in time for their food to arrive - Steve treated them to fries - they had the book finished and Steve was happy knowing that Sarah could see the photos all the time now. He missed her every day and could only assume that she felt the same way.

Half an hour before curfew Steve brought Sarah back, hugging her close at the bottom of the stairs.  
"Bye, Steeb" she said against his shoulder.  
"See you again soon. I love you."   
"Wuv you." Sarah whispered just for him to hear and Steve smiled into her hair. With her book in one hand and a Nanny holding onto her other hand Sarah went upstairs.

 

When a big letter arrived at the Tower two days later, addressed to Steve, they knew that it was Sarah’s papers before even opening it. And no matter how much Steve had hoped he wouldn’t, Bucky started packing a bag right away, sticking to his word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll continue here with chapters 6 and 7 coming Thursdays in the next two weeks and then switch back over to Wade and Peter's story =)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! :D  
> I'm so happy to be writing again and reading your comments <3 I missed you <3  
> Have fun reading and enjoy the weekend!

While Steve sorted Sarah’s birth certificate, her medical records and the adoption papers into her very own folder, Bucky moved some of his clothes down one floor to Natasha’s place.   
“You ... got everything?” Steve asked, sitting at the dinner table and watching his lover basically move out.   
”Yeah, just a few clothes and stuff. Nat’s already made it clear that she’d beat my ass if I clutter her place.”  
Steve smiled, wanted to join in on the joke but somehow found he couldn't.   
“Hey,” Bucky called softly, and his hands were on Steve's shoulders the next second, thumbs caressing Steve's neck. “It's better this way, you know that. Until we're all settled into … this whole family thing.”  
“I know,” Steve replied and he really wished he wouldn't sound so petulant.   
“You gonna see her today?” Bucky asked, his hands slowly travelling over Steve's back.  
“Yeah, but I can only pick her up tomorrow. I have to let the orphanage know first and I also don't want to overwhelm Sarah.”  
“Do you want me ... to come with you today?”   
Steve was surprised that Bucky asked that, but he had to shake his head.   
“They won’t let you into the orphanage and I can’t leave with Sarah today. I’m afraid you two’ll have to meet here for the first time.”  
”Then I’ll try to make a good first impression.”  
“You always do.”  
Bucky huffed out a laugh and briefly kissed Steve again before boarding the elevator to get to Nat’s. Steve watched him until the doors closed and he felt his heart sink a little, even though he told himself that it was better that way, more responsible than waiting for something bad to happen. 

 

A bit later Steve took his bike to the orphanage and met with Sarah. It was a nice day, but not too hot, so they wandered around the gardens in the back as usual, eventually sitting down on the soft grass in the backyard of the orphanage.   
“I’ve got a surprise for you,” Steve announced, feeling a bit jittery and very happy when Sarah looked up to him with a smile.   
”What is it?” she asked, bouncing a little like she always did when she was excited. Steve reached out to take her little hands in his. She was wearing her new dress that matched her doll’s and looked absolutely gorgeous in it.   
“If you want ... we can go home tomorrow.”  
“Yeah!”  
“No, no, baby,” Steve said with a smirk and made her look up from her doll again. “I meant that ... you can stay with me. You don’t have to stay here anymore. We can pack your things and you can go home with me. Forever.”  
“Fo-ebah?”  
“Yeah. That means ... always. No more going back here.”  
Sarah’s smile fell, but her eyes were wide and glistening with interest.   
”I ... go with Steeb? Home?”   
She vaguely gestured to his phone, referring to the pictures they always looked at.   
”Yes.”  
“And no more here?”  
“No more.”

At that she jumped up and held onto Steve’s shoulder as if she was afraid he could leave any second now.   
“Today?”  
“We have to wait one more day, we gotta be very patient,” Steve replied gently, holding onto Sarah and smiling when she climbed into his lap.   
“Pwo-misss? Please!”  
“I promise. I’ll pick you up tomorrow.”

And Steve did. He came back with his new car the next day, taking a little suitcase out of the trunk. Sarah waited for him in the hall and bounced around him, holding tightly onto his hand when they went to her room together.  
Steve’d never been to the dorm rooms before and he was surprised at how clean everything was. There were six beds in Sarah’s room, looking more like oversized cribs than real beds, with wooden rails running all around to keep the kids from climbing or falling out.   
Next to each bed there was a little crate with a cushion on top, maybe also functioning as a chair as well as storage. 

She didn’t have all that much to pack, a few sets of clothing and some toys that were hers – her beloved doll, a stuffed elephant and a fox, a book with bedtime stories and the sketchbook.  
Sarah asked lots of questions about the car and her brand new seat in the back, and Steve was glad she was finally relaxed enough around him to speak up. He buckled her in and told her not to touch the buckles, because they were for keeping her safe.  
“Steeb! Don’t go!” she suddenly blurted out when he stepped out and wanted to close the door. Her little hand was stretched out for him and she had that pleading look in her eyes.   
“Baby, I’m not going. But I sit over there, see?” Steve said gently and pointed to the driver’s seat.   
“Pwomiss?” she whispered, probably far too worried to care about her pronunciation.  
“I promise. I’ll just go around the car, and then sit right there. – I’ll go around the front so you can see me, okay?”  
“Okay.”

Steve actually felt Sarah's eyes on him the entire way around the car, and she huffed out a small breath when he sat in the driver’s seat.   
“Are you okay? Everything good?”  
“Yes. Good.”  
“Alright, tell me if you need anything.”  
”Okay.”

He started the motor then, Sarah jumping and looking around. She stared out the window when the car started moving, holding onto the shoulder padding of her seatbelts tightly.   
“Still okay? Does your tummy hurt?” Steve asked, anxious that the ride might make her sick.   
“No. Is okay,” Sarah whispered, meanwhile holding onto her doll. She didn’t say much for the next few minutes and Steve worried that she was still somehow scared, so he turned the radio on. That got her to ask where the music came from and she actually enjoyed some of the songs.

 

They made it through the busy traffic safely and parked the car under the tower. Sarah seemed really uncomfortable when Steve lifted her out of the car, so he hurried to get up to their floor. He guessed that the underground parking reminded her of the base she’d been in, but just so she didn’t get too worked up about it, Steve pretended to not notice.   
He carried her suitcase with one hand and held onto Sarah’s hand with the other, leading her through the rows of cars. 

“What’s that?” Sarah asked, which must have been the thousandth time that day. Steve followed her line of sight and smiled.   
“That’s an elevator. You know how we had to go up all the stairs to your room? This gets us up without the stairs. We go in and it goes whoosh all the way up,” he said, but he could see from her expression that Sarah didn’t really understand. She was, however, pretty eager to push the button to close the doors, and swipe Steve’s card over the keypad.   
“What now?”  
“Now we go up.”  
The coach set into motion and Sarah gasped, suddenly clinging to Steve’s leg.   
“It’s alright, the machine is just bringing us up.”  
“Up,” Sarah repeated, but still held onto Steve for the rest of the ride. She jumped a little at the ringing when the coach announced they’d reached their floor, and hesitated when the doors slid open without a sound.

“Go ahead, we’re here.”  
“Steeb live here?” Sarah asked, peeking inside the apartment as if she expected something to jump out and scare her.   
“We live here, yeah,” Steve replied, wanting to include her right away. He gave her a gentle nudge and then walked on, smiling when he heard Sarah follow him.   
“Steeb house big,” she mumbled and Steve was relieved to see her wandering around the living room and into the kitchen on her own accord. She came back around the kitchen island and stared out the big windows onto the busy city. Maybe it was too high up for her, because Sarah didn’t go near the windows, instead moved to the sofa and around it to the shelves framing the TV.   
“I see this, Steeb.”  
“You did, on those pictures I took for you,” Steve said, happily putting Sarah’s jacket on a coathanger to leave it in the hallway next to his own. She wandered further into the living room and then to the hallway leading to the bathroom and bedrooms.   
Steve grinned when he saw Sarah staring up at one of the doors with a wooden sign on it. Steve had painted her name onto the sign in cursive.   
“What’s that?” Sarah asked, pointing up. 

“This is your room. Go ahead, open the door,” Steve said, almost shaky with nerves to see how Sarah would like it. She reached up and turned the doorknob, slowly pushing the door open.   
Her feet almost sank into the thick sand colored carpet as she stepped in, looking around. On the far wall there was a bed with a high ivory colored frame on three sides, sturdy wood with flowers carved into it. Above the bed there was a canopy made out of ruffled, see-through fabric, where hundreds of small fairy lights were hiding to serve as a night light.   
Steve had picked out sheets and covers with flowers on them because Sarah had always liked the gardens around the orphanage. There were some fish on a board next to a small table, serving as magnets to hold drawings. Next to the table empty shelves waited to be filled with Sarah’s new toys.   
In the corner opposite the bed stood a wide armchair decorated with a few soft blankets and small pillows. There was a reading lamp above the chair and a half-filled bookshelf stood to the side of the chair, providing lots of material for bedtime stories. 

“This ... Steeb ... This mine?”  
“All yours. This is your room. Sarah’s room.”  
“Sarah's room ...”

Suddenly she hiccuped and sunk to the ground, both hands on her eyes as she started crying and sobbing terribly.   
“Oh god, sweetheart, don’t cry, everything’s alright,” Steve hurried to say and kneeled down next to her, carefully pulling her into his arms, mindful to give her time to back off if she wanted to. Sarah leaned into him and cried and cried for long minutes, so eventually Steve just resorted to holding her, gently rocking back and forth until she calmed down.   
“Baby, you wanna tell me why you cried? Are you sad?”  
“No,” Sarah whispered, tilting her head up when Steve wiped her cheeks and nose with a tissue.   
“Can I see a big smile, then?” Steve asked gently, brushing an errand strand of hair behind her ear. Sarah sniffled again and then smiled, sweet and happy like she always should. “There’s your sweet smile, I love it.”  
Sarah giggled, and let Steve help her blow her nose. She didn’t want to talk about it any further, so Steve assumed she’d just been overwhelmed by the day, the changes and her brand new room with all those things now her own. 

“You wanna put your book on the shelf there? Look, it’s got lots of book friends there.”  
“Yeah,” she whispered, walking over to her opened suitcase and taking out the book. She placed it into a free space on the shelf. Steve grinned when her fingers ghosted over the backs of the other books, as if she was trying to make sense of the tiny lettering on it.   
“It’s all fairy tales. For you,” he stated, even though some issues were more about myths and lore, because there was a point where they’d ran out of disney style fairy tales to get for their little collection. 

Sarah explored the rest of the apartment with Steve, then the two of them had lunch together – Sarah loved to stir the pots and try different foods. After lunch Steve helped Sarah wash her hands and face and let her nap on the sofa for an hour.   
He had planned to do some work on his computer in the meantime, but Steve found himself only staring at Sarah in awe. It was hard to believe that she was really finally there. With them.   
Forever. 

When Sarah’s eyes fluttered open again after about an hour – she was probably used to naps by now – she looked around the unfamiliar place for a second and then at Steve, who was still at her side.   
“Steeb,” she whispered and almost jumped up, climbing into his lap.   
”Good afternoon, my love. Did you sleep well?” he asked, hugging her gently, smiling happily to himself when she just stayed in his lap for a bit.   
“Yeah. – Steeb?”  
“Yes?”  
“I ... I stay ... here?”  
“Of course you do. We’ll all stay here. You, me and Bucky stay here. It’s our home.”  
Sarah leaned back, watching Steve intently.   
“Bucky here?”  
“He’s not here right now, but he’ll come here today. We’ll have some yummy dinner together.”  
Sarah nodded slowly and there was a crease between her brows that Steve couldn’t help but kiss.   
“He’ll like you,” Steve said, because even if she couldn’t say it yet, he felt that she was nervous.  
“Yeah,” Sarah just mumbled, leaning into Steve’s arms. 

He carried her over to the kitchen and she helped wash some berries for her snack.  
“You want some banana, too?” Steve asked, already taking one from the basket on the kitchen counter.   
“Yeah!” Sarah said, watching as Steve peeled and broke one half of it for her and left the other half for himself.   
“Steeb ha’b snack, too?”  
“Yeah, I’ll have a snack with you,” he replied, quite surprised with himself that he managed to understand her so well. But then again, she was speaking out a lot more around him. Steve guessed that the more comfortable Sarah was, the more her speaking improved.  
Steve lifted her off the kitchen counter, handing her one of the bowls.

Sarah was about to go back to the couch when the elevator bell rung and the doors swung open to let Bucky into the apartment. Steve looked at him in surprise, but then realized that he had simply forgotten that Bucky wanted to visit after Sarah’s naptime. 

He wore black jeans, a light grey shirt with long sleeves and the usual black leather glove on the left hand. His hair was pulled back into a messy pony tail and overall Steve found he looked quite good and not at all intimidating. But he might have been biased. 

“Hi,” Sarah said like she always did, but practically stared up at Bucky. Steve was sure she recognized him from the pictures, so maybe that was why she wasn’t immediately scared of him.   
“Hi.”  
“I’m Bucky, nice to meet you.”  
“I’m Sarah,” she replied, holding onto her bowl tightly and not moving towards him even though Bucky carefully offered his right hand to her.   
“I see you. On phone.”  
“Oh, yeah, on Steve’s phone. Did you like the pictures?”  
“Yeah!”  
“I’m glad. Sorry that we couldn’t meet earlier.”  
Sarah just hummed and looked back to Steve for help, who belatedly realized that Sarah didn’t dare to move around. Maybe she wasn’t sure how to behave around Bucky.   
“We were just having a snack, you want something, too?” Steve asked and kissed Bucky on the cheek, which made the brunet smirk.   
“No, I’m good.”  
Bucky went over to the sofa and sat down, and Sarah only followed when Steve went over as well. It was a bit disheartening to see Sarah get so quiet and shy all of a sudden, but that was probably normal for her when meeting a new person. Hopefully she’d relax around Bucky soon and show her lovely self. 

Sarah climbed onto the sofa and picked a berry from her bowl, all the while watching Bucky, who sat on the other end of the sofa.   
“How’s Nat?” Steve asked, sitting down next to Sarah. He wanted her to feel safe, so he stayed close to her.   
“Good, good. She’s lectured me about keeping her place clean.”

They both laughed and Bucky meant to say something else, but Sarah caught them both by surprise.   
“What’s that?” she asked quietly and pointed to his left hand.   
“A glove.”  
“Noooo. That,” Sarah insisted, carefully handing Steve her bowl to walk over the sofa closer to Bucky. Her little hand reached out and Bucky froze when her finger traced a faint line of silver peeking out from between his glove and the sleeve of his shirt. It was barely visible, so she was pretty assertive for her age.   
“That’s ...”   
Ah, well, Bucky thought. Might as well be honest about it.   
“That’s my arm.”  
Sarah’s brows furrowed and she took a cautious step back when Bucky leaned towards her, rolling up his sleeve just a bit to reveal more of his arm. She could see a few metal plates, and Bucky took off the glove to show his fingers.   
“Oooh, is shiny.”  
”It is. You can shake my hand if you want,” he offered, unable to keep from grinning at her barely contained curiosity. She stepped forward and cautiously poked Bucky’s fingers and palm.  
“Is cold.”  
“Yeah, that’s because it’s metal.”  
“Why?”  
“Because I lost my real arm.”  
“Oh.”  
Sarah looked at his arm like it was the most interesting thing, and to her it might have been. She hadn’t seen much of the world, and surely not a lot of tech. There was something else in her eyes, somthing hidden very deeply that Bucky could only see because of his years of training in reading people. She understood very well what losing a limb meant, and she probably also understood the paint that came with that.   
”But this one’s nice, too, isn’t it?” Bucky asked with a smirk, glad that the girl wasn’t scared of him and trying to lighten the mood.  
“Yeah. I wike it.”  
“Me, too.”

Just when Sarah had finished her snack a text appeared on the TV alerting Steve and Bucky that there was a package for them to receive. Ever since they moved into this apartment together they’d arranged for Jarvis to talk to them like that – although the A.I. would always also react to their voices like it did with everyone else. It just felt nicer not to have a robot talk in their place all day long.  
“I’ll get it,” Steve said, reaching the elevator just as the doors opened – of course Jarvis had arranged for their mail to be delivered right to the door.   
“Uh ...” 

“What is it?” Bucky now asked, Sarah’s head poking up from the sofa as she stared at the three massive crates stacked into the elevator.   
“What the – what is that?”  
Thankfully Bucky had remembered that they wouldn’t swear around Sarah. She might have heard a lot of things in her past, but that was over now and they’d make an effort to keep everything PG.   
“I have no idea ... but it’s apparently from Tony, again.”  
“Hear that, Sarah? Uncle Tony sends you stuff already!”   
“Uncle?” Sarah repeated, looking sceptical as the two men hauled the boxes into the living room.   
“A present to you. From our friend. He’s happy that you’re here and wants to give you this.”  
“Oooh.”  
With that, Sarah jumped off the sofa and watched Steve open their packages. 

Once everything was unpacked and they had sent the crates back down, an entire magical forest including a huge castle, carriage and a dragon waited to be built from tiny plastic blocks. There was even a little village with a market place that could be arranged around the plastic forest.   
“Is fo’ me?” Sarah asked, jumping around the pile of toys happily.   
“Of course it is. Which one do you wanna open first? We’ll open the others tomorrow, then,” Steve added quickly, hoping they could somehow reduce the toy fallout threatening to go down in their living room.   
“This one! Pleeeease!”   
Of course she’d chosen one of the biggest boxes.  
“Then let’s open it, Steve will clean up the rest,” Bucky declared to all their surprise, beginning to tear into the box. Sarah grinned at him, her eyes twinkling happily. 

 

While Steve cleaned up and later prepared dinner, Bucky was on the floor with Sarah, sorting little blocks and parts of houses, trees and castles. Thankfully the whole thing came with plates where they could put the blocks on, so once they were done they could move everything to the side easily.  
And Steve left them mostly alone, giving Sarah and Bucky some much needed quality time to get accustomed to each other.   
“Look, look, where this go?”  
“This is ... part of the tower, I think ... let’s put that here.”  
“Okay.”  
Steve was sure he would pass out from sheer happiness any second, just because of how perfect it was seeing Bucky and Sarah together. 

 

After dinner Bucky stayed in the living room while Steve helped Sarah shower – she didn’t want a bath – and treated her scars and the leftover bruises.   
“This make better?” she asked, watching as Steve carefully dabbed a big but fading bruise on her shoulder with an ointment. By now he’d read her medical file and knew that her collar bone had been broken when they found her. There’d also been numerous older fractures and sprains.   
“Yeah, it will. It’ll be gone, soon.”  
“All gone,” Sarah said happily, holding still for Steve to treat her back with a different creme. There weren’t any new injuries there, but her pale skin was littered with round marks and a network of long scars. Steve had no way of telling if those would fade eventually, but he still wanted to try and keep the skin hydrated in hopes of making them less prominent. 

When they were done they went straight to Sarah’s room for some quiet time and stories so that she’d be nice and calm to go to sleep.

“I don’ wanna,” Sarah whispered and stared at the floor as soon as they were on her room, her lower lip quivering dangerously.   
“But you haven’t tried, yet, baby. Come on, we said we’d try a lot of things, yeah?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Then let’s try how comfy your bed is. If you don’t like it, then we’ll find another place for you.”  
“Okay.”  
Sarah trudged on then, looking a bit like she was on the way to a torture chamber. She climbed onto her bed and bounced a bit, testing the springs.   
“Is it nice and soft? You like it?”  
“I wike it,” she admitted quietly, placing her doll onto the pillow. Steve suspected that this might not be entirely true, but he let it pass. Maybe she liked how soft the bed was, but not that she had to sleep in it. 

 

Steve went about the room silently, placing a tablet computer on the dresser next to the door and turning on some soft piano music. Then he turned on the fairy lights over the bed and the reading lamp on the night stand, before turning off the big lights. He took a folded blanket from the rocking chair in the corner and threw it on the floor next to the bed, so he could sit a bit more comfortably.   
“You wanna pick a story for us to read?” he asked gently, holding out the back of the book. Sarah couldn’t read, yet, but he still wanted her to have a say in their night time ritual. She pointed to one of the titles and Steve opened the book and started reading. 

During the story Sarah eventually settled down into her pillow and Steve absently tucked the blanket around her and her doll, then brushed a hand over her hair in slow, sure strokes. There were a few more silent tears rolling down her cheeks, and once in a while Steve would catch them with his fingers, but otherwise didn’t comment on it.   
Of course it hurt his heart to see her cry, but he had read up enough to know he shouldn’t always react to it. There was nothing to be afraid of, Sarah would be perfectly safe in her new bed. 

They finished their story and looked at the last pictures of the book together, then Steve closed it and put it back into the shelf.   
“Are you ready to sleep a bit? I’ll leave the doors open.”  
Sarah looked up to him, and for a moment Steve thought she’d cry and beg him to stay or take her to his bed, but she just looked down at her doll and nodded.   
“Yeah.”  
“Okay. I’ll wake you up in the morning and we’ll have pancakes for breakfast,” Steve promised, wanting to leave her with a happy thought. He kissed her forehead and tucked her in again.   
“Good night, Sarah.”  
“G’ny, Steeb,” she mumbled back, clutching her doll to her chest. 

Steve turned on the little camera in the corner of the room, overlooking the bed and making sure Sarah would get help if she needed anything or had a bad dream. There was a monitor in Steve’s and Bucky’s bedroom now, showing them the live video. At first Steve had been apprehensive about it, not wanting to intrude the little girl’s privacy like that, but he saw the point of wanting her safe and know if she got up or cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week we'll continue with chapter 7 and then switch stories again :D


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys :D Don't wanna say all too much beforehand, I'll see you at the end of the chapter, have fun reading <3

Bucky rolled over in bed and reached for his buzzing phone.   
“Hm?” was all he could utter at – three in the morning, good god.  
 _”Bucky, it’s me. Can you come up and watch Sarah?”_ Steve asked on the other end of the line and it sounded like he was jumping on one foot, maybe trying to dress himself and talk on the phone. If only he would remember the speaker option.  
“Are we assembling?” Bucky asked and next to him Natasha sat up in bed.   
_”I am, yeah. Can you watch her?”_  
“Be right there,” he said and hung up, forcing himself to roll out of bed with a groan.  
“You know, for someone with our training you’re quite slow in the mornings,” Natasha teased, brushing errand strands of hair out of her face.   
“I just value my REM-phases, okay?” Bucky mumbled, smirking when Natasha laid back down and Bucky put his clothes on.  
He’d offered to sleep on the sofa but Nat had just laughed at him, saying that she wouldn’t listen to him complaining about a sore back. What with him being a hundred years old and all.  
So they shared her bed, which was surprisingly nice. Both of them had similar issues and kept far enough away from each other to not accidentally give the other a black eye. Still, Bucky trusted Nat that she’d wrestle him down should he get lost in a nightmare, and although he knew Nat’s night terrors were a bit different, he’d do the same for her if he had to.  
Of course Steve knew they were sleeping in the same bed, but he also knew that there was really nothing sexual between them. The past was the past, and what had them driven into each other’s arms in the Red Room now let them stand together in friendship with shared memory.

“Where’re you going?” Nat asked, her eyes already closed again, but Bucky knew she wouldn’t sleep until he was gone.   
“Upstairs, watching Sarah. Steve’s going on a mission for the night. Well, I hope just for tonight.”  
She pursed her lips minutely, then nodded because she could probably feel him watching her.   
“You gonna be okay?”  
It’s not even been a week since Sarah moved in, but Bucky hadn’t been completely alone with her. They’ve had family meals and gone to the park to watch duckies and go to the playground, but it was always the three of them. And every night Steve was alone with Sarah.   
“Yeah, just ... I mean, I wanna try ... to be there for Sarah ... but maybe we can have breakfast together?”  
Nat smiled, a rare, genuine smile of hers.  
“Yes. Call me if you need anything.”  
“I will. Sleep tight.”  
“Mh, we’ll see.”  
She rolled back onto her side when Bucky closed the bedroom door. He took the elevator two floors up, nerves trying hard to get the best of him, but he pushed all worries aside for now. 

“Hi, thanks for coming,” Steve said, pecking a sweet kiss to Bucky’s lips. He looked tired and there were tense lines around his eyes.   
“Of course. Do you know when you’ll be back?”  
“Tomorrow around lunchtime hopefully. You’re going to be okay?”   
Bucky looked up into Steve’s worried eyes, and couldn’t help smiling.   
“We’re gonna be fine, go ahead and be a hero or whatever,” he teased and Steve laughed into their kiss. 

A moment later the door to the elevator slid closed silently and Bucky was alone in the quiet apartment. Well, kind of alone.   
He didn’t dare to go near Sarah’s room, because he couldn’t know how light she’d sleep and he really didn’t want to wake her up in the middle of the night. So he quickly took off his shoes and sneaked into the bedroom, where he picked up the blankets and slid into bed. 

Steve's tablet computer was waiting on the bedside table and Bucky picked it up, entering his ID number to read up on the current mission. Apparently the team had finally come up with a plan to find the remaining children.   
Bucky had been at the last briefing alone while Steve had been with Sarah, so he was filled in on most of the details. By now they knew which company the van in the mayor's backyard belonged to, but it was just a fake – no leads on it, a generic internet site and an address leading to an array of desolate post boxes. 

Tony had used his tech to follow the van around town for a while, and even though there were of course some areas without security cameras, they got to make out three destinations that were frequently used. Those would be Steve's and the team's targets. 

Sighing a breath out through his nose, Bucky shut down the computer and placed it back onto the bedside table. He leaned back into the pillows and closed his eyes, trying to get some more sleep until dawn.

 

Bucky sat up in bed with a start when he heard a small cry. His head whipped around and he stared at the baby monitor showing him a grey-and-green picture of Sarah’s room. The little girl was turning and tossing in her bead, her doll having fallen to the ground.   
Should he go and put the doll back?  
No, that could wake her up and startle her.   
Maybe she would wake up by herself and get the doll?  
Unsure, Bucky hovered by the monitor, sitting cross-legged in bed and watching the damn thing like it would just spell the answer out for him.   
Another loud cry had Bucky wonder whether or not he should just go in and wake her, tell her she’s just had a bad dream. But then again ... was he really good at comforting a child? God, probably not.   
Which kind of child would be comforted by a huge brawny guy with a metal arm appearing in their room?!  
She cried out again and started thrashing around, throwing the blanket and pillows off the bed. Then she sat up suddenly, gasping and sniffling.  
“Steeeeb!” she shouted, crying, with hair sticking to her face and probably snot running out of her nose.   
Oh god.   
Bucky’s stomach sank all the way to the first floor.   
“Steeeb!” Sarah now wailed, wiping helplessly at her face. Bucky jumped out of the bed before he had any idea what he was doing. He slowly stepped out of the bedroom, keeping himself visible. There was a night light in the hallway now so Sarah should see him in the hallway.   
”Sarah?” he asked, wanting her to know that she was there. She hiccupped and kept crying.   
Ok, come on, Bucky thought, taking a deep breath. You’ve taken down regimes, for fuck’s sake, you can console a crying child.  
It still felt like walking on live land mines when he stepped into the room.

“Steeeb!” she cried, her face hidden in her little hands. Letting her sit there and possibly jump up and run away from him wasn’t an option, so Bucky sat on the edge of her bed, taking a box of tissues with him as he went.   
“It’s okay, Sarah,” Bucky tried, his voice soft and as gentle as he could. She sniffled and looked through her fingers at him, sheer panic in her eyes. For just a moment she froze and then she cried even harder than before.   
“Baby, it’s okay, it’s just me, Bucky,” he tried, carefully reaching out to brush her hair aside. She let him do this at least but when he tried lifting her hands away from her wet face she tried to kick him.   
“Sarah, it’s just Bucky, Steve’s friend, remember?”  
Maybe she was still caught up in her bad dream and had troubles recognizing him. And it was unusual for him to be there at night after all.   
“Steeeb!”  
“He’s not here, baby, it’s just you and me. He’ll come back soon,” Bucky promised, almost desperately. Sarah just cried for Steve and Bucky was unsure what he could do.   
She was clearly scared and he was even more scared of hurting her.   
So Bucky just waited quietly at her side, eventually starting to slowly pick up the blankets and pillows, lastly her doll. He placed it at her feet and Sarah peeked through her fingers again before snatching it up.   
Good, now her hands were off her face at least. 

Her whole face was red and wet, her eyes swollen from crying and there was snot running out of her nose. She only looked at her doll, still crying but quieter now, clearly having no more energy.   
“Sarah, Steve will come back tomorrow,” Bucky promised, praying to all the gods he didn’t believe in that he was telling the truth. “Can I wipe your nose?”  
Sarah sniffled, then coughed because her nose was probably stuffed. It took her a moment but eventually she nodded.   
“Thank you,” Bucky breathed, reaching out with a tissue to run it underneath the girl’s nose, then helping her blow her nose. A little pile of tissues had built up at the bottom of her bed when Bucky was done, glad that he even got to wipe her cheeks.   
“It’s going to be okay, Sarah. The bad dreams are gone.”  
She looked at him suddenly, as if she didn’t expect him to know. Bucky remembered that she didn’t know many words, yet, so maybe she couldn’t say something she wanted to say.   
“It’s scary, huh?” Bucky asked softly, seeing her nod. She kept her gaze down on her doll and more tears dripped onto the toy, but at least she calmed down a bit.   
“Do you want a hug?” he asked gently, reaching out with both hands. Sarah shook her head quickly, pulling her doll in and hugging it tight instead.   
“Okay, that’s fine. But your face is all red, we’re gonna go wash it, okay? So you feel better, not so sticky.”  
A little hand let go of the doll and reached up to pat at her cheek and neck.   
“Sssticky,” she concluded and Bucky got up.   
“Come on, let’s go wash,” he said again and Sarah followed him slowly to the bathroom. She hesitated at the door but went when Bucky encouraged her to step up. He noticed how she was eyeing the bath tub, but not in a way one would when craving a shower. No, Sarah was looking back and forth between Bucky and the tub with fear, and he really didn’t want to guess why that was.   
He put her on a stepstool in front of the sink and let her wet a washcloth herself, then he helped her wipe down her face, neck and arms with lukewarm water.  
“Feels nice?” he asked when he saw her little shoulders relax a bit.   
“Yeah. Nice,” she whispered and even held still when Bucky brushed out her rumpled hair. It was a bit wet from sweating as well, but Bucky knew she wouldn’t go anywhere near the tub even if he asked nicely. 

When they were in the hallway again, Sarah spoke up for the first time.   
“Bucky,” she just said, her lower lip quivering and new tears streaming from her eyes.  
“What is it, baby?” he asked, kneeling down in front of her so that they were eye to eye.   
“I don’ wanna.”  
“Don’t want what?”  
“Sweep. Don’ wanna.”  
“I know, baby. Those bad dreams are scary. You don’t have to sleep if you don’t want to.”

Bucky really just went with his instinct there, always reminding himself that this was just a little kid scared by what had happened to her. And he’s had his own fair share of nightmares and panic to have a feel for what was needed after.   
Cleaning up was one step to shaking off the lingering feeling of dread. Next was rehydrating, so Bucky went to the kitchen with Sarah.   
The living room and kitchen was dark, but the illuminated skyline of New York stretched out in front of the massive windows. Sarah gasped when she saw it, and Bucky could almost feel her relaxing when she was distracted from her fear with sparkling lights.   
“Pretty, isn’t it? There are lots of people who don’t sleep as well, so it’s okay if we don’t,” Bucky explained, thinking that maybe Sarah would feel bad because she wasn’t in bed past her bedtime. He couldn’t know about any past rules, but he could guess that she was eager to follow new rules, so maybe she felt guilty for not following them now. 

Bucky only turned on the lights in the kitchen, not wanting to overwhelm Sarah’s mind with too much stimulation right now. He prepared two cups of tea for them, one regular cup with two sugars for himself – he did have a sweet tooth – and a sippy cup with one half cold water and no sugar for Sarah.   
They sat down on the sofa and Bucky folded a blanket around Sarah’s shoulders, wanting her to feel warm and safe even though she didn’t want a hug. 

“Steeb?” she asked again after a careful sip, licking her lips.   
“He’s coming back tomorrow, baby. Until then, it’s you and me here. I’ll keep you safe.”  
Again Sarah looked up, surprise in her sad blue eyes. Yeah, good guess.   
It wasn’t as hard as he thought, having a distraught child around him that couldn’t talk, mainly because Bucky was so used to reading body language and subtle little signs.   
“Remember how I told you I lost my arm?” he began, only now realizing that he didn’t even wear a glove and only a tank top, exposing the whole arm. Sarah now stared at it, jumping just a little when Bucky opened his hand, palm up, and held it out. “It was bad, losing my real arm, it hurt a lot. And I was scared, too. Very scared, you know. But then I got this arm here. It’s metal and so strong.”  
Sarah listened carefully to his words and eventually put her cup aside, tentatively reaching out with one hand to brush her fingers over Bucky’s palm. He couldn’t feel it, not such a feather light touch, but it was nice to see.   
“It’s keeping me safe because it’s so strong. And I’m gonna keep you safe.”

“Bucky,” she whispered and hopped up on her knees to look at him.   
“Yeah?”  
“Can I ... have hug?”  
“Of course.”

Bucky pulled Sarah in carefully, leaning back slowly until Sarah was resting against his chest, hidden under his metal arm.   
“Is safe?” she lisped quietly, her fingers playing with the hem of his top. She observed the scars on his left shoulder, but even though Bucky never saw hers, he knew Sarah had a lot herself. Maybe it made her feel better knowing that other people had scars, too.  
“Very safe. Nothing bad’s gonna get us, I promise.”  
“Okay.”

“I don’ wanna sweep,” she said again quietly after a moment, tears dripping on Bucky’s chest, soaking through his top.   
”We don’t have to, we can just stay in the living room like this. But it’s still quiet time so we won’t get up,” he said, hoping that he’d done the right thing. But ending the night at four a.m. was really no good option.   
“Okay,” Sarah whispered back, curling up a bit. After a few quiet minutes Bucky told his phone to play some music, having soft piano tunes fill the air. 

 

When Natasha let herself into Steve and Bucky’s apartment in the morning, two bags from a nearby bakery and two cups of coffee in hand, she found Sarah and Bucky asleep on the couch.   
She grinned and tiptoed over to the kitchen, quietly putting her haul down, before sneaking back to take a picture. She didn’t send it to Steve as to not worry him – and she knew he would worry, that big puppy, because his two loves weren’t in their beds – but rather kept it just for herself. 

For a moment Natasha just stood there and watched the two of them, Sarah sleeping on top of Bucky, his metal arm next to her on the sofa. Sarah was really beautiful, even with puffy eyes from crying. She wore a pink nightgown and Natasha could see a faint scar on her right ankle, something that made her irrationally angry. She remembered her own torturous childhood and was angry that there hadn’t been anybody protecting Sarah from experiencing similar things. 

Bucky's eyebrow twitched and he opened his eyes a second later, focusing on Natasha standing near the couch.   
“Mornin', gorgeous,” he said with a smirk, voice gravelly from sleeping.   
“Morning. I brought breakfast.”  
Sarah squirmed and rubbed her hands over her eyes before looking up at Bucky.   
“Good morning,” he said to her and softly brushed his metal hand over her hair.   
“Morn’ Bucky,” she whispered back and sat up, noticing their visitor a moment later. 

 

“Hi, I’m Natasha. I’m Steve’s and Bucky’s friend.”  
“Hello. I’m Sarah,” she said quietly, looking up to her with big blue eyes. Her hair was all mussed up and lacked shine, probably because she’d been sweating so much during the night.   
Bucky sat up and because Sarah just clung to him silently, he ended up carrying her over to the kitchen. Where it was evident that he didn’t really know what he had to do, so Natasha decided to help him – even though she was very much enjoying seeing him flustered – and distracted Sarah by having her set the table. 

“Now we just need some cups for us,” Nat prompted and brushed over Sarah’s head as she walked past her back to the kitchen.“Your hair is all sticky, young lady,” she commented, looking to Bucky as Sarah just hummed, neither agreeing not disagreeing with her. 

Bucky remembered the past night and how Sarah’s been sweating and crying in her sleep.   
“Sarah, do you want a bath? Or a shower?” Bucky offered, his voice gentle but asking straightforward so that she didn’t have to struggle with her words. When she said nothing at all Bucky looked over to find Sarah staring at the floor, her brows knit together.   
“No? You’re all sticky,” Bucky reminded gently, but he figured she still didn’t want him to bathe her.   
Nat watched them closely and when Bucky shot her a pleading look she understood and stepped in.   
”Sarah, can I help you shower? And help you put on clothes?” she asked, a smile so gentle and friendly on her face like Bucky’d only rarely seen from her.   
And after a moment, Sarah nodded.   
“Yeah,” she whispered, holding one hand out for Natasha to take. When they walked down the hallway Nat winked at Bucky over her shoulder, making him grin. What a saint, that woman.

 

Of course Sarah was naturally more trusting towards women. So she wandered off with Natasha, showing her her room and the dresser with her clothes. Natasha picked something out for her and helped her into the bath tub and clean up, then dressed her.   
“Steeb come back?” she mumbled when Natasha brushed out her wet hair carefully, and it took the redhead a moment to understand what she meant.   
“Oh, yeah, he's gonna be back soon. He just needs to work now.”  
Sarah nodded, watching the two of them in the mirror. Nat had sat her down on the sink so she could look at herself. There were more scars on her back and some strands of hair were shorter than others, maybe from past injuries or ... when someone had ripped it out.   
Natasha was glad that she’d personally helped destroy those bases. 

When they were done Sarah followed Natasha back into the living room where Bucky had already set the table.   
“She has an exorbitant amount of bows and ribbons on her clothes, is this an old-people-thing?” she joked and Bucky rolled his eyes.   
“It’s a dressing-your-kids-nicely-thing. It’s better than those shirts with barfing unicorns or whatever the kids wear on disney channel.”  
“Like you’ve ever seen disney channel. You only know disney from when dear old Walt was around in person.”  
“So do you, Grandma.”

Sarah wasn’t all that interested in their friendly banter, she pulled a high chair out of the corner and pushed it over to the table. It didn’t even occur Bucky that he should have prepared that, but he quickly rushed to help her. She finished off a bagel, a whole orange and her milk, probably having worked up a good appetite during the night. 

After breakfast Bucky had her help put her plate and cup into the dishwasher, then he let Sarah choose what she wanted to play. She quickly decided on drawing and the three of them got comfortable on the living room floor, pieces of paper and crayons scattered around them. 

 

Steve hurried home as soon as the mission was over, almost running into the apartment at noon. Only to find the whole place quiet and empty.  
For a moment he just stood there, shocked and confused, then he took out his phone to call Bucky. It rung and rung and the brunet just wasn’t answering, having Steve walk up and down behind the sofa nervously. 

There were two coffee cups on the counter and he could spy some plates in the dishwasher which was left ajar, so Bucky has had someone over for breakfast. Maybe Natasha?  
Steve went to pick her number out of his contacts the moment the elevator doors slid open again to reveal Bucky and Sarah. Steve was surprised to see her holding onto Bucky’s left hand, her fingers closed around his. He didn’t wear his usual glove, but one that left his fingers bare for Sarah to touch.   
“Steeb!” she called and ran towards him. Steve picked her up and grinned when she hugged him tight. She wore one of her new dresses, a bright blue one with a ballerina skirt and a dark blue satin ribbon around the waist. The cardigan on top was a bit too big on her still, so Bucky had rolled up her sleeves. 

“Where have you guys been?” he asked and really tried not to make it sound like an accusation, but probably failed judging by Bucky’s glance in his direction.   
“We wun-sh!”   
“Yeah, we picked up lunch. Yummy sandwiches.”  
”S-wishess,” Sarah repeated, barely understandable but still cute. She pointed to the kitchen and Steve went over with her, watching how Bucky unpacked the sandwiches and cut one up into little slices for Sarah.   
“Is yummy, Steeb,” she explained, leaning against his shoulder happily.   
“It is. Sarah helped me pick,” Bucky said and the little girl giggled. 

“You didn’t answer your phone?” Steve muttered and god, he really hated that he sounded like a teenager’s dad.  
“I puh-way wi- foam,” Sarah explained, barely understandable, but Steve liked that she tried her best. She also didn’t seem discouraged by the fact that her words were all jumbled, she just kept going.   
“Yeah, you played with the phone. I let her play a bit because we had to wait for the food. There are actually coloring book apps around, you know,” Bucky explained and it was honestly surprising how relaxed he was around Sarah now.   
The little girl helped carry spoons and napkins to the table, because Bucky’d also brought some soup as a starter before the sandwiches.   
Steve lifted her into the high chair and strapped her in, then filled her bowl with some soup.   
“Look yummy, Steeb.”  
“It does, you guys picked great food.”

They didn’t talk about the mission during lunch, but rather about the day Bucky and Sarah spent. Apparently they’d had breakfast with Natasha and then drew pictures, two of them even made it onto the fridge.   
“So you had all kinds of fun today, that’s nice,” Steve said happily, watching as Sarah munched on her sandwich. She seemed to have a nice apetite 

 

After the meal Bucky put new sheets on Sarah’s bed, letting her help so she knew that she wasn’t in any trouble and got fresh new sheets for her naptime.   
“Smell good!” she giggled when Bucky tucked her in, her doll always at her side.   
“Yeah, it’s great, huh? I always love new sheets. You ready for naptime?”  
Sarah’s smile faded, but she nodded, glancing out her window at the bright sky.   
“’S not dark ...”  
“It’s not, it’s just some quiet time now,” Bucky explained, softly patting Sarah’s stomach before he realized he was even doing it. Sarah looked at his hand for a moment, then nodded, understanding that they had a quiet time just like in the orphanage.   
“See you in a bit, my love,” Steve said, kissing Sarah’s forehead before leaving the room with Bucky. 

 

They fell onto the sofa together, Bucky leaning in and resting his head on Steve’s shoulder, who slouched just a little into the cushions. A few long moments of silence stretched and Bucky grinned eventually, looking up at Steve with a smirk.   
”You’re gonna explode at some point, you know,” he stated, of course noticing how Steve barely kept from asking him all sorts of questions about Sarah.   
Steve rolled his eyes but felt a blush creep up on the bridge of his nose as he’d been called out like that.   
“I’m sorry, you know I trust you,” he blurted out.   
“I know. It was good. She ... she’s had a pretty bad nightmare,” Bucky explained leaning into Steve’s shoulder more comfortably.   
“Again? That’s the second time this week ...” Steve sighed.   
He wondered whether it was because of Sarah’s past or because they did something wrong and made it hard for her to transition into her new home and family. 

“I don’t know what it was about – obviously – but she was pretty shaken after.”  
“Did she wet the bed?”  
“No. She just didn’t want to sleep ... and ...”  
Bucky was unsure how to even word his suspicions. He sat up because he wanted to look at Steve, gauge his reaction before he said something wrong.  
“What? Did she say something?”   
“No. It wasn’t what she said ... but what she didn’t say ...” Bucky mumbled, incredibly uneasy by the topic simply because he really desperately hoped he was wrong. “Steve, she refused to let me bathe her. And I don’t think that’s because she doesn’t like me, but ... well, maybe because I’m a guy?”  
Steve was pale next to him, looking like he was about to pass out.   
“She kept looking at the tub like I was going to drown her in it, Steve.”

“I tried bathing her but she’d always started crying when the water raised, so we agreed on her taking a shower in the tub ... I honestly didn’t think anything by it, I mean, I was scared of getting soap in my eyes when I was little ...”  
“Well, she might be afraid of something else? Let’s face it, those bases were crazy. And they did sell children to-“  
“But she’s not human. They sold human children,” Steve insisted, interrupting Bucky, probably because he didn’t want to hear anymore. He didn't want to think about that. Not after what he’d seen on his mission. 

After a moment of silence from both of them, Steve’s head whipped around.   
“Wait, I don’t think it’s ... it’s something sexual. She doesn't have a problem with me dressing her or taking her to the bathroom. She wasn’t scared of that or has ever been.”  
They both relaxed when they realized Steve had a good point. Bucky remembered that Sarah hadn’t been scared of him when he helped her wash at the sink or when he’d hugged her.   
“So it has something to do with baths. Maybe she’s been waterboarded?”  
“Oh god ...” Steve mumbled, his head falling onto the backrest of the sofa. 

Eventually he nodded, accepting the harsh reality of his daughter’s past once more.   
“Probably.”  
“So, any idea what we can do about that? That’s some pretty intense torture ...”  
Steve sighed, leaning back into the sofa and rubbing both hands over his face.   
“I have no idea. None of those darned books help,” he complained, feeling better since he had someone to listen to him whine about that.   
“Maybe we haven’t been reading the right ones. We need some medical or psychological ones.”  
“Do you think we should take her to a doctor? A psychologist?”  
Bucky mused over the question, eventually shaking his head.   
“I honestly don’t think she’d open up to a stranger like that. She needs to trust people again, she’s never learned that.”  
”She doesn’t trust us?” Steve asked, seriously surprised. Bucky had always been better at reading people than Steve had.  
“She trusts you, mostly. Not me, not fully. After last night, it’s gotten better. But there’s still something about her ... like she expects things to turn sideways any moment now. Before we can attempt to help her in any way, she needs to feel safe with us. Bringing things up with a therapist will no doubt shake her.”  
“Yeah,” Steve mumbled, leaning back into the sofa, trying to wrap his mind around having a child with so much pain locked up inside her. He desperately wished to take this from her, just make it better somehow. But he knew from his and Bucky’s past that what Sarah really needed now was safety and time. So he’d do all he could to give her that. 

“How was the mission?”  
“Successful. But intense. I ... I never expected to see the things we saw tonight. Not even during the war ...”  
Steve had trailed off and fell silent for a few seconds while Bucky watched him carefully.   
”When’s debrief?”  
“In a few hours. I think you should come, too. We can let Sarah play at the daycare.”  
“Yeah. She’ll have some fun with the kids, get her mind off last night.”

 

Little did they know that the complete opposite would happen and Sarah started crying the moment they wanted to leave the daycare without her.   
“Sweetheart, we’ll just go do some work and come back. But work is so boring that we thought you could play here,” Steve explained, nodding towards all the toys in the room.   
“No! Please Steeb!” she cried, holding onto his jacket. Unsure of what to do – and a little embarrassed that he couldn’t calm Sarah down – Steve looked up to Bucky for help.   
The brunet just shrugged, his usually cool gaze helpless. 

“Hey, what’s with the waterworks here, young lady?” a rough voice asked and they turned around to see Wade Wilson standing in the hallway, his daughter Bea bouncing around next to him but stopping when she saw Sarah’s tears.   
“We, uh ... we need a minute here, I guess,” Steve said, rubbing circles on Sarah’s back as she continued to cry big tears.  
“We don’t really have a lot of time, you know, debrief starts in ten – Hey little Bea, wanna show Sarah all those cool toys?”  
Steve looked towards the little girl as she walked up to Sarah, carefully taking her hands and smiling.   
“Yeah! Come on, we can go play!”  
“No;” Sarah insisted, sniffling quietly. Bea reached up with one hand and wiped Sarah’s cheeks with her hand.  
“You don’t have to be sad. We can play together. It’s fun,” she said with a kindness that surprised Steve. “Do you know the other kids?” Bea asked, still holding Sarah’s hands.   
“No.”  
“But you know me.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Then we’ll play together!” Bea concluded, tugging Sarah towards the open door. Sarah followed without looking back at Steve and Bucky, too distracted by the kids running around and all the toys they could play with.   
“Aaaaand retreat,” Wade stage whispered behind them and tugged at the back of Steve’s jacket. “The little ones got this, don’t worry.”   
“Okay,” Steve breathed in relief, wanting so badly to calm Sarah down but realizing that he would really not be of much help with that. 

“What a little bug, she’s not even supposed to leave her room,” Wade giggled, pointing to the door behind them were some kids were still playing.  
“Wait, isn’t she supposed to be in a class for mutant children?” Bucky asked, peeking around the door where just a few kids were still playing.   
“During the day, yeah, but in the afternoon the groups are devided differently. You know, the ones that just stay for when their parents have meetings, and the ones that are usually here all day. But Bea’s never really cared for boundaries, I guess,” Wade said, laughing softly.   
“Thanks for ... making her do that. We weren’t expecting that reaction from Sarah,” Steve admitted, mentally scolding himself for not even having considered that she might be scared. Then again, she had always played nicely at the orphanage.   
“Ah, I didn’t do much. If she didn’t want to, she wouldn’t have done it. But I guess her and Sarah are good pals now, so she really wanted her to feel better.”  
“I’m glad. Hey – “  
“Please suggest a play-date. Preferrably a sleepover Wednesday night. You also want some baby duty? Get experience in changing diapers?”  
Bucky chuckled to himself and Steve grinned.   
”Play-dates are a yes, but nothing during the night. Sarah’s ... well, nights are not her thing.”  
“Ah, I get it, I get it,” Wade quickly said, motioning his hand to let them know they didn’t have to explain further. “We can do a daytime date, no problem. Just text Peter, he does all our schedules.”

 

Steve and Bucky hurried back to the daycare as soon as they could leave the debrief, but there was no reason to worry. Bea and Sarah played nicely, drawing big flowers on a blackboard. They even cleaned up together before leaving when the teacher called them to the door.   
The moment Sarah spotted them, she ran and almost jumped into Steve’s arms.   
“Hey, little princess. Did you have fun?”  
“Yeah.”  
Steve suspected that that might not have been true, or that she was just very glad they came back for her, but either way, she was nowhere near as bubbly as Bea. The little girl jumped around Wade again and talked non-stop.  
“Did Daddy send a picture of Bennie? Can I see it? Can I text Daddy? – I can, too. I know what the letters look like!”   
Bea’s cheerfull voice tapered out in the long hallway and Steve wondered when he would get to see Sarah that cheerful. It might not be for quite some time, he knew, but he was already looking forward. And to him, each day he could just see her smile, however briefly, was a good day. 

 

Of course Sarah didn’t want a bath that night either, even though Steve asked nicely. He thought of getting some toys for the tub soon, maybe that would get her interested. After Steve’d showered and dressed Sarah, she wandered over to the living room. Just in time to see Bucky grab his keycard. 

“Bucky?”  
“Yeah, baby?” he said, turning to her with a gentle smile. Steve mused that he might have all of them take family photos soon. Maybe even the really cheesy ones with color coordinated outfits. He thought Sarah just wanted to say goodnight to Bucky, but her next words surprised both men. 

“You go?”   
There she was, in her little nightgown, looking up to him with those big sad eyes. Bucky gulped, not sure what to say.  
“Uh ... yeah ... I’ll go to sleep now.”  
Sarah nodded, her fingers playing with her doll’s dress.   
If he turned around now, Sarah would just let him leave. And probably cry again at night.   
“Would you like it when I stay? With you and Steve?”  
Sarah looked up, her lower lip trembling just a little when she nodded.   
“Then I’ll stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this was a long one =) And it got me a little emotional while writing, I must admit. I just really looked forward to finally writing Sarah and Bucky just by themselve.   
> I hope you liked this chapter as much as I do ;)   
> We'll meet again next week in Peter and Wade's story - I missed those two SO MUCH!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo :D  
> We're back with another chapter, hope you like it <3

That night both Steve and Bucky were in Sarah’s room during her bedtime ritual. Bucky turned on the fairy lights and the nightlights in the hallway while Steve and Sarah picked a story to read. While Steve told her about Cinderella and her prince, Sarah held onto Bucky’s left hand, feeling the grooves in between the metal plates.   
“And here’s the Prince and Cinderelly at the castle. Look, she’s wearing a beautiful dress,” Steve said, showing Sarah the picture. She showed a small smile, but it vanished again when Steve closed the book and put it aside.   
“Are you ready to sleep?” Steve asked, always giving her a way out if she needed it. Maybe one night her fear of whatever lurked in her dreams was too much, and she should never feel forced to endure this.   
”Yeah,” Sarah whispered and squeezed Bucky’s fingers.   
“We’ll leave the door open a bit.”

Just when they were about to step into the hallway, Sarah’s small voice peeped up again.   
“Bucky?”   
“Yeah?”  
The brunet turned and found two frightened blue eyes fixed on him. “Is safe?” she asked, clutching her doll to her chest.   
“Yes, baby, it’s very safe. We’ll keep you safe, Steve and I.”  
“Always,” Steve agreed and Sarah looked up to him. She nodded, settling a bit further under the blankets, always keeping an eye out for the night light next to the door. 

“Where Bucky sweep?” she asked quietly and it it sounded like she was afraid Bucky would leave the moment the door closed.   
“Uh ...”  
Bucky looked over to Steve, uncertain about what to say. Steve grinned back at him, probably amused by him.   
“We share the big bed. It’s ours together,” he said and there was nothing unusual about that, still it embarrassed Bucky a little. He guessed that he would have to get used to all kinds of questions soon, the more talkative Sarah got around them.   
“Oh. Okay,” she mumbeld and Steve motioned for Bucky to step back and out of the room, seemingly not letting himself get distracted.   
“If you need us you just call for us. We'll be there, okay?”   
“Yeah.”  
“Good night, sweetheart,” Bucky said, hoping that she’d get a full night’s sleep.   
“G'night.”

 

Steve went to wake Sarah up in the morning and they were all surprised that she’d slept through the night. Quite contrary it had been Steve and Bucky alternating at waking up to check the baby monitor in their room.   
“Good morning, my love. Did you sleep well?” Steve asked after pulling open the curtains in her room and picked her up to give her a big hug.   
“Yeah. Where Bucky?” she wanted to know, huddled into Steve's embrace, happy with being carried through the room.  
“He’s making breakfast for us,” Steve replied, glad that she was accepting him so well. The two of them seemed to have found some kind of conection and Steve loved that. He had been kind of worried to leave Bucky alone with Sarah, even though he wanted to be trusting, but now there was no more doubt left in him that Bucky and Sarah would be fine together.   
“Did you have any dreams?” Steve asked when he picked out Sarah’s outfit for the day. He’d told her a few times that she could pick one for herself, but she never wanted to, instead just watched Steve do it.   
”No,” she mumbled, surprising Steve when she reached out to briefly touch the hem of one of the dresses.   
“You wanna wear this one today?”   
“Yeah.”  
Steve tried to hide his grin as he pulled out the dress. He helped her dress and hoped she’d pick out other things to go with it, but no such luck. So Steve had to come up with an outfit, eventually combining black tights to the cream colored dress, adding a ribbon around the waist and in her hair.   
“Does that look nice? Do you like it?” Steve asked and Sarah turned to look at herself in the mirror.   
”Yeah! Is nice.”  
“Then let’s go show Bucky.”  
Steve grinned when Sarah almost ran out of the door, hurrying over to the kitchen to present her new outfit. Steve heard Bucky greet Sarah happily and the two of them talked a bit. When Steve joined them he put Sarah into her chair and buckled her in, careful to have the chair far enough away from the table so she couldn’t accidentally kick and tip her chair.

“Sweetie, do you wanna go to daycare today? Play with the kids?” Steve proposed, seeing that they had to do some work. Of course Sarah got quiet again and shook her head slowly.   
“No? Even if Bucky and I stay a bit?”  
“No, pwease,” Sarah mumbled, staring at her cup and brushing a tear from her face.   
“Okay, it’s alright, my love, don’t cry,” Steve hurried to say and looked over at Bucky who just shrugged his shoulders, probably telling him to give it some more time. 

 

In the afternoon Bucky and Steve took Sarah to the Avengers training grounds with them, so they could look at their schedules for the next few months – all the more reason to have the little one at daycare.   
They got some odd looks here and there, especially when Sarah asked to be carried and Bucky lifted her onto his metal arm while Steve talked to one of the instructors. Bucky noticed the younger recruits staring at them and Sarah eventually hid her face in his shirt.   
“Bucky … we go 'gain?”  
“Yeah, we'll get going in a bit. We just need to do some work first, so be patient, okay?” Bucky asked gently, patting Sarah's back when she leaned on his shoulder heavily. She was probably bored, even if she didn't whine about it, but Bucky found himself looking around for something interesting for her to see.   
“Let’s take a walk while Steve’s working,” Bucky stated, slowly making his way over the driveway and around the massive building to the training fields. Sarah held onto him the entire time, and Bucky thought that this was likely because she feared being left alone in an unfamiliar place.   
“You know, there’s lotsa kids at daycare and you can play while we work. It’s fun there, your friend Bea’s there, too,” Bucky explained while they walked, and Sarah clung to his shirt silently. She didn’t even react to his words so Bucky assumed she was pouting over it. He didn’t mean to bug her, but he wanted her to know that she could just have fun and not be bored waiting for Steve.   
“Look, the boys are playing,” Bucky said and pointed towards a group of young men on the basketball court. Sarah watched them closely for a bit and Bucky noticed how her eyes wandered all over the place, trying to take in the whole situation. She didn’t seem interested in getting any closer, but Bucky did want to try and get her to play. 

Bucky went over and took a football out of a cart stacked with different sports gear, putting Sarah onto her feet again on the grass nearby and teaching her how to kick the ball. He showed her the goal lines on the ground and she kicked the ball into them, laughing when Bucky fell onto the grass in a half-hearted attempt to catch the ball.   
“Guys, are you coming inside?” Steve called from the side of he field, a wonderful smile on his lips as he watched Bucky get up.   
“Yeah! - I'm there first!”  
“Nooo!” Sarah squealed and started to run, Bucky only following her in a fake-jog so she could reach Steve first.   
“Quite out of shape, Barnes?” Steve asked with a grin, and Bucky smirked, not caring about the people staring at him because he made a fool of himself.   
“No, she really is that fast. She’s got that from you.”  
Steve grinned and picked Sarah up, carrying her inside the big building where they went straight to Steve’s office. Technically it was also Bucky’s office, but the brunet was rarely ever working there, mostly just winging the few training sessions he held. 

Sarah was happy sitting on the floor with some printer paper and pens, scribbling pictures while Bucky and Steve worked on the new recruit's schedules. She wasn’t at all bothered by the surroundings and didn’t utter a peep the whole time, happy to just be by their sides.   
Bucky could imagine himself taking her everywhere with him, and he would bet that Steve could, too, mainly because Sarah really was a little angel. But that just wasn't good for her, she deserved to play and learn with other kids. Her past shouldn't dictate her being alone for the foreseeable future. 

 

But having a child in their household presented challenges that Steve and Bucky hadn’t even thought about. It wasn’t so much that tending to Sarah was difficult – she was actually quite easy going. She played nicely on her own when Steve or Bucky had to make a call or type a quick mail or message, and she wasn’t a picky eater and didn’t behave badly. It was none of the things Steve had expected to worry him as a parent.   
But when Sarah’d suddenly broke down crying uncontrollably in the middle of the day, Steve had realized that something else was the problem. She was traumatized. 

Every day that Sarah was with them, her trauma became stronger and more evident and the more extreme her reactions became. It wasn’t only the crying or bad dreams anymore, she was scared of knives and refused to help in the kitchen as soon as one of them held one.  
And for reasons Steve would rather not investigate, she was scared of red apples. He only asked her one time if she wanted to have an apple, and she practically begged not to have it, so that from then on, Steve and Bucky would always peel and cut the fruit before offering her or buy the yellow or green ones right away. 

The initial progress in her speech also came to a stop at some point and Sarah still couldn’t fully express what she wanted. Steve had hoped that spending time around other kids would improve her speech, but Sarah still refused to stay at the daycare. As soon as Steve or Bucky tried to leave her there, she'd throw a fit. Which in her case wasn't so much anger as it was heartbreaking cries and shaking.

 

So Sarah barely had words for how she felt about what she’d had to go through.  
Sometimes the only thing that helped was Steve or Bucky holding her, rocking her and humming songs to her until she calmed down. Some days she was just drained of all energy and sat around or wanted to cuddle all day instead of playing. 

Bucky had questioned her a little about her feelings, all while Steve was present so she’d feel safest. It turned out she didn’t know what was going on either, just that she was sad and scared sometimes.   
“Can you tell me why? Does something scare you?” Bucky asked, remarkably gentle. His metal fingers worked on those tiny plastic blocks that Sarah had gotten from Tony. Steve had no idea how Bucky even did this, while Steve himself was always afraid of breaking those delicate toys. By now they had the whole forest set up and most of the castle, and worked on putting little huts down in a circle to create a village.  
“I dunno,” she replied quietly, adding another figure to their little castle setup.   
“But when it happens … when you're sad or scared … you can tell us what you think, okay? We'll always listen.”  
Steve noticed how Bucky didn't say that they could fix this, because truth was that they couldn't. Not for a long time and not until Sarah was fully trusting them.   
“Okay. I tell,” she promised, her voice barely a whisper, and Bucky quickly distracted her after that, trying to lighten the mood a bit. 

 

“I think we need help,” Steve sighed that night, when they were in bed, both reading a book. The blonde closed his volume and looked over at his lover.   
“With Sarah? I don’t think anything's gonna help her right now.”  
“Maybe she needs medication? I mean, I hate having to even think about it, but ... well.”  
“Steve,” Bucky began and took both their books, placing them on the bedside table. “There are some things you just can’t fix.”  
“I know!” Steve blurted out and sounded more hurt than he would have dared to admit. Bucky pulled him into his arms and Steve curled around him, hiding from the world and it’s cruelties for just a moment.   
“I want to help her. I hate to see her like this, to know she’s in pain and scared and I just can’t do anything about it!”  
It was only when his breath hitched when Steve realized he was crying.   
“I know. I hate it too. And I hate to see you suffer with her. But we can’t fix this. She’s traumatized and scared. I kind of suspected her to act up more once she felt safe here. And it seems like her trauma got more focused, breaking through because she can finally relax here. She’s safe and over time she will get better. We can’t magically take her past away from her, but we can help her deal with the bad days.”  
While he spoke, Bucky reached over and turned off the lights with one hand, settling down into the pillows again and placing both arms over Steve’s shoulders.   
“I’m so glad I’ve got you. You ... understand what she’s going through, don’t you?”  
“And I think she knows that. The way she looks at my arm. I told her that I lost my real arm and even though she didn’t say it, I’m sure she knows what that means. The pain and fear. She’s been through a lot, more than we can imagine.”  
“Oh god.”  
Bucky’s right hand stroked soothingly over Steve’s head, the left arm keeping them close together.   
“Bucky, what can we do? I ... I just don’t know ...how ...”  
“Hey, it’s alright,” the brunet whispered, kissing the crown of Steve’s head. “It’s gonna be fine. We’ll just need to figure out how to deal with her. What she needs.”  
“Okay,” Steve sniffled on Bucky’s chest, looking ashamed when he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. 

 

They talked for a long time and eventually came up with a strategy for Sarah’s bad days. She hated loud noises and was easily scared, but neither Steve nor Bucky thought it’d be all that good to have her just lounge around all day. So the following morning – Sarah was thankfully in a good mood – they got a big box with rainbow stripes, and filled it with arts and crafts supplies and instructions. So whenever she felt like it, they’d pick a quiet activity from the box.

For all the normal days they’d just try to avoid the things that scared her, as far as they could manage. When she felt truly safe with them they’d slowly start introducing things to her and show her that a bath or a red apple wasn’t dangerous to her at all. It would take tremendous patience from all of them, but eventually they might be able to let Sarah have a normal childhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure if the next upload's gonna be here or for the Spideypool side of this story, I'll just surprise you ;) Also, the stories will mix up a lot more in the future!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been forever ^^" But to make up for the long wait this chapter and the next are going to be extra long. Today's chapter is focused more on Steve and Sarah while the next will be more of Bucky and Sarah spending time together.   
> Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy reading <3

“Baby, do you wanna help me make cookies?” Steve called over to the living room, where Sarah was currently lying on the floor, her face turned to the TV that was showing a cartoon.   
“No, pwease,” she mumbled and Steve could only make out the words because of his heightened hearing. It was clearly one of Sarah's bad days because sometimes Steve could hear her sniffle faintly.   
He was lucky that she didn't cry, because Bucky had some appointments and couldn't be there, but their household had to be done anyway. So while he prepared lunch and the cookies, he just let Sarah lie there by herself, paying more or less attention to the show on TV. 

When he had the laundry in the washing machine rumbling about, Steve went to fetch his tablet computer from the bedroom and pick some art supplies out of his desk. He felt bad for making Sarah do something when she was so sad and didn't want to, but she needed to be a little more active. Get out of this depressed mood that, if he was honest to himself, scared Steve a little bit. 

“Sweetheart, let's do some crafting, can you help me, please?”  
“Yeah ...”   
Sarah pushed herself up slowly, sitting on the floor and heaving out a breath before wiping her nose with the back of her hand. She looked like there was nothing worse in the world right now than getting up, but she did it anyway because Steve asked her to.   
“Come here, my love, we'll make a pretty picture for the hallway,” Steve explained, patting the floor next to himself and Sarah sat down, leaning against his side and eyeing the supplies in front of them. There was a big sheet of paper that would be their canvas, a bottle of glue, pencils and several colorful rolls of creped paper.   
“What we do?” Sarah asked quietly, rubbing her cheek on Steve's side. He knew she wanted to distract him into calling the whole thing off and joining her in doing nothing, but Steve just pushed a roll of paper into her hands.   
“Unroll this, please. I'll cut pieces off.”  
“Okay.”  
Sarah held onto the paper gently and let Steve cut off stripes, collecting them on a pile to the side. They worked like this until they had about five stripes of each color.  
“Now you can make lots and lots of little balls like this, watch,” Steve explained, ripping a piece of paper off and rolling it between his fingers. Sarah watched how he made a few, then grabbed the paper and started on her own.   
Steve had chosen three different greens and two pinks, and he was happy to see Sarah arranging the paper balls by color on the side of the paper.   
“Do you wanna know what those are?” Steve asked and picked up his color pencils.  
“Yeah,” Sarah said, her brow creased in concentration while she worked.   
“You're making leaves of a tree for us. And I'll draw the tree. When it's done we can glue the leaves on, it'll be a really pretty picture.”  
“I wike this,” Sarah suddenly said, nodding as if to herself as she grabbed a new stripe of paper to work on. She was quite good at it and Steve wondered whether she was ahead for her age in terms of hand eye coordination or if he was just too biased.   
“I'm glad you like it. You think Bucky will be happy to see our artwork later?”  
“Yeah, he wike, too. We make pwetty pic-sha.”  
Steve smiled, mapping out the rough shape of a tree with a wide, feathered out crown and quickly filling the colors in, making sure to use vibrant colors. 

It took a while for Sarah to roll all the paper up, but it did help her focus and avert her thoughts from her past. She talked a little every now and then, stating that she really liked the pale pink color Steve had chosen.   
“Is pwetty. I wike,” she mumbled, patting the paper affectionately.   
“I like it, too. Would you like to have a dress like this? In this color?”  
“Yeah!”  
“You'll look like a princess. So cute.”  
Sarah smiled briefly, finishing up the last of the paper while Steve worked on the details of the tree. 

They put their artwork together then, Steve applying the glue to the paper and Sarah sticking it down into the tree wherever she wanted. She seemed to enjoy crafting a lot and Steve made mental note to look up more activities for her.   
By the time they were done, leaving the picture to dry on the floor, Sarah was more lively, and actually came over to the kitchen with Steve and help set the table for lunch. 

Just in time for lunch the elevator lit up, indicating someone was on their way up.   
“Bucky!” Sarah called happily as soon as the brunet stepped out of the elevator, running to him. He caught her and lifted her onto his metal arm, smiling when she hugged him tight.  
Sarah was always happiest when both of them were around, and Steve thought it might have been her wanting to keep people close that she loved, fearing that they could disappear. “Bucky, we cook! You twy!”  
“I will, it smells so good I’m getting really hungry already,” he replied, walking over to the kitchen to kiss Steve briefly.   
“How was your meeting?”  
“Boring. I don't know why I even have to be there, coulda just looked at that stuff online and written my comment on it.”  
“They need your expertise,” Steve joked and Bucky rolled his eyes, both of them knowing that this wasn't true. Sure, SHIELD liked to have him there every now and then, but mostly just for prestige reasons. Look at us, having this perfectly domesticated spy-assassin attend our meetings. 

Neither Steve nor Bucky liked this a lot, but it kept SHIELD mostly out of their business.   
“What did you guys do all day?” Bucky asked as he helped Sarah into her chair, strapping her in. She took her spoon when Bucky gave it to her and waited patiently in front of her plate.   
“We did some crafting today, it’s on the floor behind the sofa,” Steve explained and didn’t have to say more for Bucky to understand. The brunet walked over to look at their picture, and praised both of them for it.   
”’s fun, Bucky,” Sarah stated, wiggling her spoon back and forth. They’d both noticed that she never played with anything that wasn’t specificly shown to be a toy. When they were out, they’d often see other kids play with their utensils or other things, or pick up sticks and stones outside. Sarah never did that, so it was nice to see her at least move her spoon a bit.  
“Yeah, it looks fun. You did so well,” Bucky replied, his metal hand brushing over Sarah’s head very gently as he passed her by to get their plates. They shared a look in the kitchen, Steve answering Bucky’s silent question with a shrug. 

 

When Sarah was down for her nap an hour later, cuddled up with her favourite doll in her bed, Bucky and Steve sat down on the sofa.   
“Peter texted me today, asking if the girls could watch a movie at the weekend.”  
“Great. Company will be good for Sarah.”  
“Yeah. But, at our place, right?” Steve asked, earning him a raised eyebrow from Bucky. “Hey, we can’t just throw her into cold water like that!”  
“Alright, alright ... at our place.”

They often talked about this, about how they wanted Sarah to start socialize and confront her fears. It turned out that Steve was so much more protective of the little girl, which was sweet, but it also secretly worried Bucky. He feared that when Sarah's trauma progressed, so would Steve's protectiveness over her, maybe turning into him sheltering her from important experiences. But they'd cross that bridge when they came to it.   
For now, Bucky was okay with hinting at Steve thinking about his decisions a bit more while they both tried to steer around the minefield that Sarah's trauma slowly evolved into.

 

The next morning, Steve had Sarah sit down in their bedroom while he took care of the laundry. She was playing with some small animal figures on the bed, all the while looking after Steve's phone, waiting for a text from Bucky.   
“Let's sing the ABC song!” Steve suggested from his place crouched in front of the washing machine, taking the wet clothes out to stuff them into the dryer.  
“A – B – C – D ...” Sarah began, Steve joining in. Some letters were hard for her to pronounce still, but she made it through the whole song.   
“Do you know a word with A?”  
“Yeah! El'fan!”  
“Elephant is with an E, my love. Apple is with an A.”  
“Apple. What's with B, Steeb?”  
“Bucky starts with a B,” he laughed and heard Sarah giggle.   
“C fo' cat!” Sarah prompted and they went on like this for a while.

 

Since it'd gotten a pretty big stain of berry tea, Steve had thrown one of Sarah's stuffed toys into the wash, relieved to see it coming out of the dryer clean. When he shook the toy to get it nice and fluffy again, some of the stuffing fell out of a rather big hole.   
“Ah, shoot,” Steve muttered, pushing the stuffing back in and throwing the toy among the dry laundry waiting to be folded.   
“Come over to the living room with me, sweetheart.”  
“Yes,” Sarah said, collecting her toys to put them in the little woven basket they lived in to carry them over. Meanwhile, Steve got out the sewing kit and put a thread in the needle. It didn't quite match the toy's fur, but it would be alright. 

Sarah's little footsteps came closer but stopped near the end of the hallway.   
“Steeb?”  
“Yeah?”  
“What you doing?”  
It wasn’t her words that had him look up, but the tone of her voice. Sarah stood next to the bookshelf, looking ready to bolt back into the hallway if need be. She wrung her little hands and was pale, her big eyes glued on Steve’s hands holding her toy and the needle. The basket with toys was forgotten on the floor, some of the figurines had fallen out.  
“I’m fixing your plushie, baby. It's got an ouchie and I make it better. You can play with it soon.”  
“Steeb … don't hurt plushie, please.”  
Steve looked up at that, surprised to hear her say something like this.   
“I'm not hurting him, I promise,” he hurried to say then, understanding that her fear came from seeing doctors use needles on their patients down in Hydra's labs. “I only make his ouchie better, then he'll be all happy again.”  
Sarah didn't look comforted, but nodded slowly, still watching Steve work.   
“I … I dun wike that … the happy med'cine.”  
Steve tried to react calm, but in reality it always terrified him when Sarah spoke up about her memories.   
“What happy medicine?”  
Steve didn't want to hear it, didn't even want to ask, but it was important that Sarah knew she could speak up more, say whatever she wanted to say and feel heard and understood.   
“The doctors give … is not … I dun wike, Steeb.”  
“I'm not giving him happy medicine, I promise. I just fix his ouchie,” he managed to reply around the lump in his throat, looping the thread around the needle to make a sturdy seam that wouldn't rip again.  
“Okay.”

Steve hurried to get the task done and stashed the needle, thread and scissors in the sewing kit again before offering the toy to Sarah.  
“See, all better. Now you can play with it again.”  
“No med'cine,” she mumbled, slowly coming closer.  
“No. We don't need this.”  
Sarah still had that haunted look in her eyes as she took the toy, carefully inspecting it from all sides almost like she expected it to contain a trap. Steve's unhelpful mind wondered whether she'd experienced something like this before, being given a gift only for it to turn on her.   
Probably. 

To distract both of them and his intrusive thoughts, Steve quickly changed the subject.  
“Do you wanna help me with lunch? We'll have mashed potatoes and chicken.”  
“I mash 'tatoes?”  
“Of course, you're the best potato masher we have! They taste so much better when you helped make them.”  
Sarah showed a satisfied little smile, the one, Steve noticed, she always got when she was praised like this. 

 

The weekend rolled around and Wade brought Bea over to Steve and Bucky’s place.   
“We brought cookies! It’s mermaid cookies!” Bea exclaimed and took a big tupperware container out of her backpack.   
“Wow, those are super cool. I’ll get you some milk in a bit,” Steve promised and Bea smiled up at him happily, carrying the cookies to the coffee table before hopping off with Sarah to play with the massive set of building blocks.   
“So, how’s it going?” Wade asked, putting the backpack down next to the sofa.   
“Great, really. Where’s the little one?”  
“At aunt May’s, Petey and I are finally getting a date day today. Thanks, by the way,” the Merc said and Steve grinned.  
“You're welcome. See you at five?”   
“Yup, might be five thirty, tho, depending on the traffic, but I'll let you know. Have fun you guys!” Wade called to the living room where Bea was already jumping around, her energy infecting Sarah who smiled bright and joined in on the fun. Steve let them play and jump around a bit and waited for them to settle down.

After Steve had prepared milk and put the cookies on a plate, mindful to hand out napkins as well, he started the movie for the girls and went to his desk to work on some sketches. Peter and Wade had offered to repay their favour and watch Sarah for a day so that Bucky and Steve could have some alone time, but the latter wasn't sure if they should do that already. He felt like Sarah wasn't ready to be with other people, yet, not even when her friends were there.   
Steve mused over the topic silently, finishing the first sketch before he heard Sarah.

“I ... I ... nooo,” Sarah began to whine and Steve looked up, already dreading where this sound was going. By now, he pretty much knew all her tells, having tried hard to memorize them so that they could minimize public meltdowns.   
“What?” Bea asked, looking up in confusion when Sarah stood up, stepping back from the TV.   
“I dun’ wan’ watch it.”  
“Why not? Don’t you like mermaids?”  
And it was only then that Steve realized his mistake. He hadn’t even thought about Sarah’s trauma concerning water. It simply hadn’t occurred to him that her fear of getting into the bath could carry over to a children’s movie.   
God, Sarah probably didn't even know what a mermaid even was, Steve realized – they'd yet to read the little mermaid book or even Peter Pan that had some in it. Steve felt incredibly irresponsible and pretty stupid on top of that. How could he not have thought of that?

“I dun’ wanna! Pwease, Steeb!” Sarah wailed the second Steve had jumped up from the chair, rushing over to the sofa where Sarah stood crying. Bea was next to her, reaching out tentatively to hold her hand, but Sarah put both of hers over her eyes.   
“It’s okay, sweetheart, everything’s alright. Can we watch something else?” Steve asked Bea, hoping that the little girl was okay with that. God forbid he’d have two crying girls on his hands in a minute.   
“Will that make her happy again? We can watch something else, Sarah, promise,” Bea said, carefully stroking Sarah’s head as she clung to Steve’s leg. Incredibly relieved, Steve turned off the movie and gave Bea the remote so she could choose something else from the massive online selection.   
“Do you wanna watch Sleeping Beauty instead? Or Cinderella?” Bea asked, flicking through the movie posters like a pro. Sarah just continued to cry and Steve resorted to rocking her slowly, sitting on the floor next to Bea.   
“Let's watch Cinderella. Sarah liked this movie, right? With the mice and the kitty and the fairy god mother who can do magic?”   
Sarah didn't answer, but Steve put in the code so the movie would start, hoping it'd manage to distract the girl. It took until the second song was over for Sarah to turn around and watch the movie, still curled up in Steve's arms. Bea sat close to them, so Steve just watched the movie with the girls.  
During the next song Bea hummed along and took Sarah's hand, smiling at her and eventually making her hum as well. When it was time for the mice to make the dress, Sarah sat next to Bea again and Steve went over to his desk again to give the girls some space. 

When Wade picked Bea up after five o'clock, the little girls hugged for a long moment, Bea holding Sarah tight. Then she kissed Sarah on the cheek and smiled wide at her, clearly trying to cheer her up still. 

“Bye bye, see you soon!” Bea said happily, waving before the elevator doors closed.   
“Bye,” Sarah said, smiling at her friend and waiting until they were on their way down. 

“Bucky's coming home, soon. Shall we make dinner?” Steve asked, wanting to distract Sarah from the bad mood no doubt chasing her still.   
“Yes, Daddy.”  
Steve looked at her, surprised to hear Sarah address him like that. She'd never said that before.   
“W-why did you say that? Where did you get that from?” he asked, smiling at the warmth bubbling up in his chest. Sarah tilted her head to the side.   
“No say it? Bea say it. Said uncle Pete her Daddy and Steeb's my Daddy.”  
Bea must've told her that when the two girls were playing before the movie started, because Steve was sure he'd never heard of this conversation.   
“No, no, I love it, you can say it! It's really nice of you to say it.”  
Sarah smiled wide, probably pleased to have done something that made Steve happy.   
“Then we go ma' dinner now, Daddy.”  
“Okay, let's go,” Steve repeated, smiling so much that he felt his cheeks hurt a bit. 

 

Bucky almost returned too late from training the new recruits – a job bestowed to either him and Nat because the two of them were the most intimidating. Little did they know that he couldn't even try to hide his smile once he heard Sarah greet him when he stepped out of the elevator.   
“We ma' dinnah!” she exclaimed, slurring her words a bit because she was so excited.   
“That's great, I'm so hungry. - Sorry for being late,” he quickly added when Sarah dragged him to the table. He briefly kissed Steve and sat down, having listened to his stomach rumbling for the past hour. 

As usual both of them waited until after Sarah was down for the night before they talked about the important topics. Bucky grinned when Steve forgot about the book he was currently reading and curled up in his arms instead, his head on Bucky's chest.   
“How was your day?” the blonde asked and Bucky hummed, kissing the crown of Steve's head.   
“Boring. They're all pampered brats. - We got a lead on a big drug cartel, they want me and a few others to take it out soon.”  
So much for spending a relaxed evening together, Bucky thought, but he didn't want to skirt around the topic any longer. He felt rather than heard Steve's sigh, and tightened his hold around his lover.   
“Alright, when do you … have to go?”   
The brunet knew what had him so apprehensive. Lately Sarah disliked it more and more when one of them wasn't there with her, but they just couldn't let that become a habit. With a lot of things they already worked around her fears, but they couldn't let it take over their work schedules.   
“In a few days, I'll get coordinates and more intel tomorrow. Are you guys gonna be okay?”  
“Of course, yeah. Don't worry.”  
“Something happen today?”  
“Yeah.” This time, Steve did sigh deeply. He fell silent for a moment, collecting his thoughts as Bucky idly played with the strands of hair on the back of Steve's neck. “Bea brought a movie to watch, and my dumbass said yes, I … I didn't even think about it, damnit, it was a mermaid movie. Lots of water.”  
“Oh.”  
“Yeah.”  
“What happened?”  
“She threw a fit, cried, was scared. But she recovered quickly. I just feel so dumb.”  
“Don't,” Bucky ordered, tapping his metal fingers on Steve's chin to get him to look up. “It's nobody's fault,” he clarified and leaned down to brush his lips against Steve's. His shoulders eased and they kissed for long minutes without hurry, just enjoying each other's presence.

“It's just,” Steve began abruptly, pulling away from Bucky but curling up in his arms again. “It's so … hard. Seeing her like this. It's getting worse every day.”  
The last sentence had barely been a whisper, but Bucky understood nonetheless. He nodded, having come to the same conclusion a few days ago on his own.   
“Is it okay if I go? I can stay,” Bucky offered, wanting to stay just as well but they'd worked towards this mission for so long.   
“No, it's alright. At least one of us should go. We'll be fine.”  
Nodding, Bucky contemplated about his next words, knowing how sensitive Steve was about it.   
“I think it's … good … that we're going.”  
“What?”  
“No, hear me out,” the brunet pleaded, pulling Steve back in who tried to get out of his hold. They'd never fought about Sarah and they wouldn't start now. “Listen, I think she needs to understand that we'll always come back. There's no use sugarcoating things and always staying with her. We will go every now and then and return, and scary things will happen around her and she'll be safe. She needs to understand that.”  
“God, I hate this all so much,” Steve whined, allowing himself to be angry and frustrated around Bucky, because around Sarah he always pretended to be happy. Bucky understood, rubbing soothing circles over Steve's back.   
“It's better than getting her medication or going to therapy with a stranger when she can barely talk to us. We have to hang in until she trusts us enough for treatments.”  
Steve didn't argue with that, and eventually Bucky reached over and turned the lights off, pulling the blanket around Steve and himself. 

 

Sarah was in a quite good mood the next day, and played some games containing letters and basic shapes and colors with Jarvis – the two of them had developed an endearing friendship ever since Sarah had discovered that “a robot” lived in their house.   
“Your turn!” she said to the TV screen, waiting for Jarvis to color some pieces of their digital board game. Neither Steve nor Bucky were entirely sure what the two of them were playing, but it seemed like fun to Sarah, so neither argued. They were actually glad that Sarah had someone to play with at least, as long as she refused to stay at daycare. And talking to Jarvis always helped her speech, even if just temporary. 

When Sarah was down for her nap after lunch, the two of them sat down in the living room and checked their mails, always using the time for some work and a talk just between adults.

“I'm leaving tomorrow, gonna be back in two days,” Bucky announced with mild surprise, almost expecting Steve to ask him to stay.   
“And I'm supposed to leave a day after that. Oh god,” Steve groaned, rubbing his palm over his face. He turned to Bucky, his face tired and unsure. Suddenly, Bucky realized that the hardest thing they ever did wasn't any fight, but parenting.   
“Should I decline? They can still find a replacement.”  
“No, you can go, it's fine. Just hold onto a backup plan in case we're not back in time,” Bucky said, quite sure they mission would go according to plan but when working abroad you never knew. 

They tried to explain it to Sarah that afternoon, that Bucky would have to go for a few days and work. She ended up crying and pouting about it, but nodded after Bucky’s had some one-on-one time with her. Steve didn’t know what the two had talked about, but Bucky always managed to find the right words with her. Still, she cried more when they said good night, because Bucky would be gone when she woke up. 

 

Steve kept Sarah up to date on Bucky’s mission, so that she wouldn’t think he was abandoning them, but as the first night passed without a message, Steve noticed Sarah getting quiet again. She knew what sound his phone made when a message from Bucky came in, and kept listening for it whenever Steve’s phone lit up.   
“Steeb, Bucky come back?” she would ask every now and then over the course of the evening and the following day.   
“Yes, he’ll come back soon,” Steve would always answer, not missing a beat. He tried his very best to keep her occupied, practicing letters and words with her, playing with her building blocks or involving her in the household. When none of these things managed to cheer her up as much as Steve hoped, he decided they needed some fresh air, and headed out. 

For the first time ever, Steve let Sarah walk next to him in the supermarket, instead of having her sit in the cart. Mainly because he wanted to distract her from constantly being sad and asking about Bucky.   
“Alright, now we need some eggs, see?” Steve asked, showing Sarah his phone screen. There was a tiny picture of an egg carton next to the word.   
“Yeah. I get egg!” she exclaimed and ran over to the shelf to pick a box of eggs. She looked absolutely serious as she carried the product over to Steve, who’d taken the time to bag some apples for them.   
“Thank you so much.”  
”You look, please,” Sarah said, holding the carton while Steve looked inside to check the eggs.   
“All good, I’ll put them in. – Can you look for bananas?”  
“Yeah!”  
Sarah wandered off around the section with fresh fruit, looking up at the displays. Steve just bent down to put the apples and eggs into the cart when a young guy next to them raised his voice.   
“Man, are you serious? What the actual fuck?! – No, you listen!”  
Steve spotted Sarah next to the bananas, frozen as she heard the man’s loud voice. When he came closer, still yelling into his phone and ignoring the little girl standing in the middle of the aisle, Sarah darted out of the way, around the produce display and towards Steve. He thought she’d just hold onto his hand an continue shopping, but no such luck. Her blue eyes were round and obviously scared when she looked up to him, holding onto his hand like she was about to fall down into an abyss. 

They didn’t need words; the moment Steve reached down for her, Sarah lifted her arms and cuddled up in Steve’s embrace, hiding from the scary world.   
“Ir’s okay, he’s just in a bad mood, he didn’t mean to scare you,” Steve whispered to Sarah, holding her securely against his chest with one arm and using the other to push their cart. 

They continued for a few minutes until Sarah was okay with sitting in the cart, her hands resting on Steve’s. He switched their roles, Sarah would hold onto his phone and look at the pictures on their shopping list while Steve got the things. She helped with handing Steve’s card over to the nice cashier and then waited patiently in the car while he loaded everything in the back. 

When they unpacked all the groceries, Steve let Sarah sit on the counter, her legs swinging off the edge. She handed him the things to go into the fridge and Steve was surprised that she got everything right, apparently having memorized where things belonged. She watched as Steve put the egg carton into the fridge, the shopping bag now empty next to her.

“I miss Bucky,” Sarah mentioned quietly, looking up at Steve as her feet stopped swinging around. Steve was surprised to hear her speak so clearly, which made the statement all the more lovely.   
”I miss him, too,” he said honestly, reaching out to brush his hand over Sarah's hair gently.   
“Is he okay?”   
Another fully pronounced sentence, although short.   
“Of course, my love. Don’t worry.”  
“Okay. He no call 'foam.”  
“Yeah, he's busy. He has lots of work right now. We'll have to be patient.”  
Sarah nodded, lifting her arms and making Steve smile as he lifted her up. They hugged for a moment and Sarah rested her head on Steve's shoulder, signalling that she wanted to stay in his arms for a while longer.  
“Bucky pay-shun, too? He miss us?”  
“I'm sure he does. He loves you a lot.”  
“He luv Steeb, too. Is cute.”  
Steve laughed, liking the idea that they were a cute couple in Sarah's eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys :D  
> Super long chapter again, hope you have fun reading <3 
> 
> WARNING: This chapter deals with PTSD and panic, if you can't or don't want to read that, skip the part in between the *** marks!   
> (You won't miss major parts, it's talked about later and in the next chapter)

_“I'll be home by sunrise, miss you guys,”_ was Bucky's very brief message one evening but Steve couldn't have been happier to see it.  
“Bucky's coming home!” he said to Sarah and the little girl looked up from her coloring book, eyes wide and a grin slowly spreading on her face.  
“Yay! When, when?”  
“When you wake up tomorrow, he'll be here.”  
She jumped up at that, scattering some pencils around before she ran over to Steve, clutching his leg tightly.

“Steeb, can we go?”  
“Go where?” he asked with a smile, trailing his fingers through her damp hair. Sarah was already in her nighty and had about another hour before her bedtime.  
“Go see Bucky? Pwease?”  
“We can wait for him here, it’s alright,” Steve said, glancing briefly at the sky that already turned pink outside.  
“Pleaaaase.”  
“No, sweetheart, it’ll be sleepy time soon. Bucky will be back when you wake up tomorrow. We can have breakfast together.”  
“But I miss Bucky,” Sarah suddenly whined, tears collecting in her eyes. Steve was genuinely too surprised by her speaking up like that. She rarely ever acted up on them, but now she started crying and asking for Bucky again. It took him a long time to calm her down, singing softly to her and rocking her softly in his arms and even after Sarah was in bed she had a restless sleep, tossing and turning in her bed while Steve watched on the monitor. Throughout the night she woke up crying twice and Steve took her to the bedroom eventually so she could sleep next to him, her little hand closed around Steve's finger. 

After that rough of a night, Steve wasn't surprised to find Sarah still sleeping in the early morning hours. Usually she was an early bird like both men, but today Steve slid out of bed quietly, smiling to himself when he heard the coffee machine sputter in the kitchen.  
“Good morning,” Steve said, warmth spreading in his chest when he spotted Bucky at the counter, nursing a fresh cup of coffee. He looked tired, but happy and healthy.  
“Morning. Did I wake you?”  
“No. Well, maybe. But only because I missed you,” the blond replied, running his hands over Bucky’s back and shoulders while they hugged. They kissed, slowly but never letting go of each other until they were both out of breath. Steve wanted to pull Bucky closer, pull off his clothes and tug him into the shower like they’d done countless times after one of them had returned from a mission, but he spotted a hand on the clock behind them shift and sighed against his lover’s lips.  
“Impatient?” Bucky teased with a knowing smirk, his hand moving from Steve’s waist, lowering to playfully cup his butt.  
“Not the best role model, but yes.”  
Bucky chuckled about the light blush coloring Steve’s cheeks, and took a look at the clock behind them, realising as well that they were out of time.  
“Well, it’s gotta wait. - Where’s Sarah?”  
“Still in bed, she’s been fussy throughout the night ... Do you wanna go wake her? She’s missed you a lot,” Steve said, finally letting go of Bucky.  
“Sure. I’ve missed you two as well. Weird how long a few days’ mission can get.”  
Steve hummed and smiled under Bucky's brief kiss to his cheek, before the brunet wandered off towards the bedrooms and Steve began preparing breakfast. He was so very tempted to just cancel his own mission and stay with his family, spend some quality time just for the three of them, but then he remembered that other team members from the Academy and SHIELD were parents as well. He couldn't put his own needs before theirs so selfishly, if they were going he would be, too. 

The door to Sarah’s own room was open and her bed deserted, which didn’t surprise Bucky. He walked into the master bedroom quietly, opening the blinds in front of the windows slowly. Sarah stirred on the bed, rolling around and rubbing her eyes, her hair rumpled all over her pillow. 

“Good morning, my love,” Bucky said gently and smiled when Sarah turned to him, blinking sleepily. He sat on the bed when she sat up, a smile spreading on her lips.  
“Bucky!” She yelped and threw herself into his arms, holding tight when he laughed and kissed her head.  
“You stay?”  
Her voice was muffled in his shirt and Bucky smiled, feeling his heart beat almost painfully with how much love he had for this little girl, how much he missed her. So much more than he'd even realized.  
“I’ll stay with you now, work’s over for a while,” he said, mentioning that on purpose so that she knew he’d have to go again sometime. Bucky guessed that she was a bit off-balance whenever one of them left. They were her world now, people she trusted like nobody else ever. Still, she needed to experience this and realize that she was still safe, would always be with them. 

 

Bucky and Steve didn't even have a full day let alone a night to themselves before Steve had to leave for his own mission. While Bucky would have loved to spend at least a night with Steve, he didn’t say anything when the message with Steve’s departure details came in. They both knew parenting would be hard and have a strain on their relationship, and they still decided for it. So they’d handle it somehow. 

“I hope it's not too long. I'm gonna miss you.“  
“We'll be fine,“ Bucky promised, because he knew that this was Steve's greatest worry. That the two of them would have a hard time without him, that Bucky would struggle with parenting and that Sarah had only bad days. 

They tried to spend some quality time as long as they could, staying at home to play and craft with Sarah and cook lunch together. While Bucky unpacked his bag Steve packed his, purposefully when Sarah was down for her afternoon nap.  
“Is Nat back, yet?“ Steve asked as he stashed his bag in the elevator, telling himself that he'd make their goodbye quick but already dreading that he wouldn't be able to do that.  
“She'll come back tonight, she took a different route. I'll make sure to have auntie Nat visit us soon,“ Bucky replied with a smirk and Steve laughed. The brunet also told the tale of the usually scary assassin Natasha glued to Bucky’s phone whenever Steve would send a picture of Sarah. No matter what she said, “auntie Nat” was absolutely in love with her. 

Of course their goodbye in the late afternoon didn’t at all go smoothly. 

“Steeb ...?” Sarah said, her voice wavering already. She wrung her hands as Steve pulled the zipper on his bag closed and tried not to sigh. Bucky watched the two of them closely, but before Steve could get to her and probably just make things worse by hugging her, Bucky stepped in. He lifted Sarah up, quietly surprised when she turned away from him and squirmed, but didn’t fight his hold.  
“Steve has to go to work now, just like I had to go,” he explained calmly, stroking her back and feeling his heart sting when Sarah clung to him, probably afraid he’d go as well. 

Sarah looked at Steve for a moment and they all knew what was coming. And sure enough she full on cried a second later, reaching out for him and holding onto Steve's hand like he was about to abandon her.  
“Sweetheart, you'll be okay, I'll be back really soon,” Steve said and hugged her, but Bucky could see the pain it caused him to leave. After another quick kiss Steve got up and went to the elevator, hesitating to leave Sarah. She cried louder and called for Steve, so Bucky shot Steve a look that meant he should get moving.  
“Sarah,” he said quietly, starting to rock her a bit. “Can you say bye bye to Steve so he won't be sad?”  
She looked up, sniffling loudly. There were big tears running down her cheeks but she made an effort to wave at Steve, albeit still hiccupping.  
“Bye, sweetheart. Love you both,” Steve said and the elevator doors closed in front of him, leaving Sarah to cry loudly again and lean into Bucky's shoulder. It took him a full hour to calm her down and start distracting her with games. 

Sarah stayed sad for most of the evening, so Bucky let her decide on what to eat and cooked mac and cheese just how she liked it best, then played some disney songs during dinner. 

 

At some point during the night Sarah climbed into bed with Bucky, and he tucked Steve's blanket around her and let her hold his left hand while she fell back asleep.

Of course the next day was a bad day for her, so Bucky decided that they’d craft a fairy ring for her room. He wasn't particularly good at crafting, but it was an easy build, just attaching sparkling threads to a wooden ring and rolling up tissues, wrapping them with silk patches and hanging them from the other end of the thread.  
He dressed her in bright colors and took her out to get lunch, just so that she'd move around a bit and get some fresh air. She complained about not feeling too good walking, but Bucky let her go on for the way to the sandwich shop, then carried her on his left arm on the way back. He knew Sarah wasn't in any pain and wanted her to get used to doing things she wasn't all that comfortable with, even just little things like walking. It had taken him quite a while to fight his own depressions, and he wanted to use his experiences to make Sarah feel better. 

She picked out her own sandwich – which took a bit but Bucky didn't mind – and even handed the money to the nice lady serving them.  
“Wow, you're such a big girl already,” Bucky praised as they walked out, heading back to the tower with their food. 

The TV was still on when they got back – one of Bucky's bad habits of leaving it on all the damn time – but since the news were playing Bucky let it run while he unpacked their food.  
“Put these on the table, please,” he said, handing Sarah two sturdy plastic cups.  
“Yes,” she mumbled and carried the cups over, depositing them on the edge of their dinner table. On her way back, she stopped in front of the TV, where the news anchor just talked busily about the newest story.  
“ ... and is on it’s last voyage. The old cruise liner Pacific Princess has set out on it’s last journey, stopping in New York and other destinations one last time before throwing the final anchor in Alang, India, where it’s going to be taken apart. The ship is most famous for-”  
While the anchor continued to talk they showed a video of a massive ship slowly making it’s way into the harbor. It was quite nice, but the years had taken it’s toll on the hull.  
“Have you ever seen such a big boat?” Bucky asked casually, of course knowing that she hadn’t before Sarah shook her head. “Do you wanna go see it? It’s in the harbor, we can have ice cream and look at the boat.”  
“Yeah! Please!”  
“Alright, it’s a date.”  
“We ta’ picture fo’ Steeb,” she offered while she watched Bucky strap her into her high chair.  
“Yeah, we can send it to him, he’ll be happy to see it.”

Bucky loved the fact that both he and Steve had enough time on their hands to do all kinds of fun things with Sarah. Yes, she should be at daycare and learn social skills and improve on her speech, but Bucky just told himself she'd see a ship for the first time and counted that as a learning experience as well. 

They had a nice lunch together and Sarah went into her room for her nap right away and without fuss, so Bucky could relax and answer some mails and texts. Steve hadn’t messaged them, yet, and Bucky wondered what he was up to. 

 

After a change of clothes Bucky and Sarah took the subway close to the harbor and walked for a while until they reached an ice cream shop. There were lots of families with kids around, since it was a nice sunny day, and while they waited in line for their ice cream, Bucky even remembered to spray Sarah with sunscreen.  
“Bucky, Steeb eat i-cweem too?” she asked and peeked at the flavors available.  
“Right now? I don't think so, he's at work. But maybe he can get some ice cream after work.”  
“We co' back when Steeb back?”  
“Sure, we can come back. - What flavor do you want?”  
“Choc-late, pwease!”

With their cold treats in hand they made their way to the shoreline, from where they'd get a good look at the ship.  
“Is biiig!” Sarah said, holding Bucky’s ice cream cone securely as he sat her down onto a handrail next to the sidewalk. He stood behind Sarah and held her with his left hand while they enjoyed the best view of the ship. Because of the sun and so that they wouldn't be stared at all the time, Bucky had put a silicone sleeve over his arm and wore his usual leather glove.  
”It is. It’s an old ship, you know.”  
“We go in?”  
“No, we can’t go in anymore, but we can go closer later.”  
“Okay. – Is pwetty.”  
“It is.”

After they had their ice cream Bucky lifted Sarah onto his left arm and took a picture of them with the ship in the background. He let Sarah tap the screen to send the picture to Steve.  
“He's gonna love this picture, it's so nice.”  
“He see it?”  
“He'll see it later, he's working now,” Bucky replied, tapping at his phone to check that he hadn't gotten any missed calls or urgent messages. 

“Look, Bucky,” Sarah said and the brunet followed her little hand pointing to a father and daughter walking along the railing. Bucky smiled when he saw Wade Wilson, and waved for them to notice him.  
“Hey there!” the Merc called and his daughter Bea ran to Bucky and Sarah happily.  
“Hi. What are you up to?” Bucky asked and set Sarah down, glad that she greeted Bea with a hug. Wade took off his sunglasses and stashed them in the stroller he was pushing. 

“We came to see the big ol’ boat, too, huh?”  
“Yeah, it’s cool! Papa said we can’t get on the boat, but I wanna go. You could climb over there, Papa.”  
“Which is very illegal and Daddy would be mad at us. Let’s not do that, please. I don’t know where she gets those ideas from,” Wade giggled nervously when the girls ran off to a nearby play structure. They began climbing on it with the other kids and Bucky still had hopes of getting Sarah into daycare when he saw her like this.  
“No idea, either,” Bucky smirked, letting his gaze travel over the crowd and the harbor out of habit, checking for any dangers as the two men walked to a bench. This habit of the Winter Soldier would probably never stop, but now it might be a useful one, since little kids were pretty fast. “So how’s everything?”  
“Pretty sweet so far. We’re gonna be moving soon, the new house is coming along great. – Here.”  
Bucky was surprised to find Wade taking the baby out of his stroller and putting him into his arms carefully, grinning wide when he saw the former assassin’s wide eyes.  
“Some more practice can’t be bad,” Wade shrugged and went to rummage around in his bag for his phone. Bucky rolled his eyes, really hoping there wouldn’t be any more kids showing up for quite some time. He was still getting used to the idea of Steve and him having a daughter, god only knew how much chaos it must’ve been for Wade and Parker in the past months.  
“He looks like a scientist with his glasses,” Bucky commented, smirking at the baby's wide eyes staring at him. Bennie stretched out one chubby hand and touched Bucky's collar, then his little fingers poked Bucky's nose.  
“Super cute, I know. It’s to prevent him getting overstimulated by the world.”  
“Yeah, I’ve heard ... of some of the kids being quite strong.”

“Yeah, it's a bit odd … but aren't we all?”  
Bucky chuckled, finding himself liking Bennie's company. Maybe … in the far away future, he and Steve could get a baby … just maybe.  
Bucky wondered when the last time had been that he'd dreamed of something. But before he could allow himself any of that, there were more pressing issues at hand. He helped Bennie turn around so he could watch the people walking by. The kids on the playground were screaming nnd laughing, Bea and Sarah running around with some boys, maybe playing tag. Bucky loved seeing Sarah like this, playing and enjoying the childhood she didn’t get to have until recently.

“Hey, uh ... would it be okay if Bea stayed with us for some mornings? So that Sarah can get used to being with kids. We’re still trying to get her warmed up to the idea of daycare but it’s ... difficult.”  
Wade nodded, his eyes on the two girls playing nicely, climbing up the play structure to the slide.  
“Sure, yeah, no problem. Bea’s chirpy with whatever. Uhm ... but, you know, I gotta ask ... Sarah’s traumatized, right?”  
Bucky turned his gaze from the playground to look over at Wade.  
“Yes.”  
“So, uh ... how ...”  
“How bad is it?”  
Wade nodded, adjusting Bennie's glasses that were crooked from him looking left and right all the time to observe the people around. “She definitely has her very bad days, but she’s never violent. She doesn’t act up much, sometimes she’s just very sad and ... depressed, I think. She’s no danger for Bea, if that’s what worries you.” Bucky hadn’t meant for it to sound that offended, but he didn’t want to take it back, either. He was protective of Sarah but he could also understand where Wade was coming from.  
“Hey, I gotta ask. It’s just ‘cause Bea’s not that in control of her powers when she gets spooked. But she isn’t dangerous, either, she just makes stuff fly around a bit.”  
“Are you serious?”  
“Yeah. Peter’s still figuring out what exactly she’s doing, mainly because he wants to help her control it. His latest guess was something with force fields or whatever but I’m really not one to explain the science-y bits.”  
Throughout Wade’s rambling, Bucky had been watching the two girls while Benny squirmed around in his hold, apparently bored now. The little boy was a very special child, would have maybe ended up on top of the list for those scientists to experiment, if he stayed at the bases.

"Sometimes I can’t believe they’re here. The kids. I look at Sarah and it’s ... so odd. I’m happy but then I see her suffer because of her past ... and I wish I could go and punch every last of those doctors.”  
“Some are still out there, you know,” Wade replied barely audible, his voice dark and angry.  
“I know. I hate this.”  
“Same, bro.”  
“Let's just hope they'll never come close to our kids again,” Bucky said, glad that he could speak so freely to Wade. It had always been hard for Bucky to talk at all, but he found it easier now because he knew Wade could relate to him. 

 

“Wanna get going again?” Bucky asked a few minutes later and helped Wade strap Bennie into his stroller. The little guy way squirming around and pulled a face, but Wade quickly shushed him.  
“Yeah, we gotta – Bea!” he called and Bucky jumped a little, always one for the more toned down appearance outside.  
“Yeah!” the little girl called back at almost the same volume, her head poking up from somewhere up on the structure.  
“Come on, little bee, we still gotta go shopping!” Wade called and Bea hopped off the structure, running over to take Sarah's hand and tug her back to their parents. Bucky was glad to see her just effortlessly watching out for Sarah, who might easily be distracted or overwhelmed by so many people around. 

The two girls walked hand in hand to the nearest parking lot again and Bea hugged Sarah before climbing into the car.  
“Buckle up, buttercup, I’m with you in a moment,” Wade called and closed the door on her side before walking around the car.  
“So, we'll set up playdates?” he clarified, folding the stroller up while Bucky held Bennie again.  
“Absolutely. I'll call you or Peter in the evening, then we can schedule.”  
“Cool, looking forward to it. Oh, and we're gonna have a big housewarming party soon, you guys are invited, of course.”  
“Thanks,” Bucky replied quickly, kind of glad that they had such close parent friends now, even though he'd always found Wade to be a little weird. But there was no denying that the man was a great father to both kids. Bucky handed Bennie over and Wade strapped him into the car seat in the back next to Bea, checking over her buckles that she'd apparently fastened by herself.  
“You guys all good?”  
“Yep, ready to roll!” Bea said happily, probably having learned this phrase from Wade. 

After a quick goodbye Bucky and Sarah watched the three take off again, Sarah happily bouncing around next to him.  
“Did you have fun playing?”  
“Yeah, fun!”  
Bucky smiled, taking Sarah's hand so they could slowly make their way to the harbor. He wanted to take a nice long walk with her to tire her out, and also because he really liked just wandering about, having nobody to track. He mused whether this was also good for Sarah, showing her that she could be relaxed outside.

“Baby, would you like Bea to come over and play with you?”  
“Yes! We puh-way! Is fun!”  
“Did you play with the othe kids, too?” Bucky asked, wanting her to talk some more.  
“Yeah! We tag ‘n Bea say boys catch.”  
”Do you like playing with other kids?”  
“Yeah. Is ... not like in big house?”  
“Oh, it’s not like in the orphanage. Why not, what’s different?”  
Sarah took a moment to think about his question and Bucky watched her out of the corner of his eye. He lifted her up into his arms when a traffic light came into view, carrying her over the street.  
“Is diff’ren’” she mumbled eventually. “’Cause kids all happy.”

 

Steve messaged that evening, the text coming in right as Sarah was about to go to sleep. She watched Bucky read and the brunet tried to hide his feelings from her.  
“Steeb text?” she asked, tucked under her blanket and with her favourite doll in the crook of her arm already.  
“Yeah, he texted. He’s alright, but his work takes a little longer still. He wants us to be very patient, okay?” Bucky explained softly, putting his phone back into his jeans pocket and stroking Sarah’s hair. Steve didn’t exactly say that, but it was easier for Sarah when she thought Steve expected her to be a good girl.  
“Yeah. We be pay-shun, Bucky.”  
“Yeah, we will. – Now, sleepy time. Sweet dreams, love you,” he said, kissing her forehead before quietly leaving the room. 

 

Steve’s mission had been prolongued for another three days, maybe more to follow, and the longer they were alone the better Bucky's understanding of Sarah's problems got. She definitely had her bad moments more often when Steve was missing, which was probably the same when only Steve was there with her. But unlike with Steve, Bucky didn't try to baby Sarah too much.  
Sure, he loved her and spoiled her rotten with all sorts of fun activities, but he wouldn't immediately cave in the moment a tear rolled down her cheek, and wouldn't halt all chores because Sarah wanted to be held for an hour – which absolutely had happened with Steve before. 

Yes, she was traumatized and has had a bad past, but Bucky wanted her to know that whenever her past haunted her it wouldn’t mean the present would have to stop. 

Understandably Sarah was a bit moody with not getting her way, but did her best to listen well to Bucky and be good. Bucky considered himself lucky that Sarah was never used to acting up, so she really didn't.  
“Do you wanna help me cook, baby?”  
“No,” Sarah mumbled from the living room, where she was lying on the floor doing nothing much.  
“Please?”  
Bucky smiled when he heard the rustling of Sarah's dress as she got up and walked over to the kitchen.  
“Can I have hug?” she asked, clutching onto Bucky's knee without waiting for a reply.  
“Of course. Come here,” Bucky said, lifting her up and giving her the asked hug and even a kiss on the temple. When Sarah wanted to cling to him, Bucky simply sat her down on the kitchen island and pushed a plastic container with green beans over to her.  
“Help me break the beans in half, okay? Like this,” he said and showed her how to snap the beans in half. Sarah pouted, but busied herself with the task.  
“You're a great helper, thank you. Do you wanna watch a movie later?”  
“Yes. An' cuddle?”  
“Sure, we'll cuddle.”

Just as promised they settled down for a “movie” - an episode of a kids' show – later and Bucky held Sarah the whole time like she requested. After the episode was over, they went to the bathroom. Bucky helped her undress and get into the shower, letting her hold the shower head as he washed her hair. He got absolutely drenched in this process, and mused that this would all be much easier if Sarah would just stand in the tub while he washed her, but there was no way she'd even go near it, let alone inside. 

 

Sarah got sleepy fast and went to her own bed without much of a fuss, sleeping soundly whenever Bucky glanced onto the monitor on the side of his bed. 

As soon as Sarah was in bed, Bucky spend his evening in bed as well, reading or writing in his journal. There was a stack of books on his side of the bed, and there were some more volumes on the tablet computer on Steve’s side of the bed, because Bucky wanted so badly to come up with a plan to help Sarah.  
He was reading up on children’s psychology every night, comparing Sarah’s case and some of what he’d heard and read from other kids from the bases to his readings, taking his own notes and researching things online whenever he thought he’d found something helpful. 

Bucky didn’t want to force Sarah to anything, but there were just so many issues with her and each new thing coming up restricted her everyday life more and more. Even though he’d never said a word about that to Steve – mainly because he didn’t want the blond to worry even more – Bucky was sure that over time, if left untreated, Sarah’s problems would evolve into panic and OCD’s. She was still so young and Bucky strongly believed she could at least forget some of the things that happened to her over time, if only she got the right treatment.  
But as of now, the only people she showed something close to blind trust were Steve and Bucky. So it was ultimately up to them to figure something out. 

When he had finally made it through all the books and had his notes on display in front of himself, Bucky called Nat.  
“Can’t sleep?” she asked, sounding relaxed but not tired at all. Bucky glanced at the clock and saw that it was almost midnight, but he knew that Nat was a night person.  
“Not yet. I wanted to ... talk a bit?”  
“Sure. Is everything alright?”  
“Yeah, Sarah’s sleeping ... look, I wanted to ask your opinion on something,” Bucky began, feeling a little uneasy to remind Nat of her – their – past, but he knew nobody else who had quite the same level of trauma and had overcome it as well as Natasha had. 

They talked for another hour and when the next day rolled around Bucky had a plan set up that would hopefully pave the way for Sarah’s recovery. 

***

He made sure she was happy the next day, taking her out again for a long walk to the playground and letting her run around among the other kids – she didn't interact much because she didn't know them, but she had fun enough as it was – and letting her choose their lunch. 

When the evening rolled around Bucky suddenly found himself unsure. He re-thought his plan over and over, even wondered if he should just forget about it. There was no point in talking to Sarah about it, because she'd likely just cry and beg him not to do it, and Bucky feared he would cave in. So Bucky kicked himself mentally until he was able to move off the couch around Sarah's usual bathtime, asking her to follow him to the bathroom.  
“I get tow-ul,” she said happily, grabbing one from the stack under the sink and balancing it on the edge of the tub. 

“Thanks, my love. - Hey, I wanted to show you something. Come with me,” Bucky said, still not fully sure if his idea was a good one, but he could only ever try when Steve wasn’t there. He and Sarah had a wonderful, loving dynamic but they were both extremely clingy to one another. If Steve was around, Sarah would stick to him, emulating his insecurities – and if Sarah cried, Steve would stop everything. The only one to break this cycle was Bucky, who thankfully also had Sarah's trust. 

Now she followed Bucky into the bathroom and her eyes immediately began flickering between him and the tub when they came close.  
“Come here, you can sit here,” he said and simply lifted her up and onto the side of the tub.  
“I-“ she started, her eyes wide and scared, but Bucky quickly sat down as well, holding her safely. There was no water in the tub, but maybe they could change that.  
“Sarah, I know you’re scared to be here. I know, okay?”  
She just nodded, looking pale.  
“Can you tell me why the tub scares you? The water?”  
“I ... I ... can’t ...”, she hiccuped and seemed to have trouble breathing, so Bucky took her hand, waiting until she looked up. It was incredibly hard to stay and let her experience that kind of fear. All he wanted to do was scoop her up and take her away from there.  
But they had to start somewhere. 

“It’s alright if you can’t. It’s alright, everything’s okay ...”  
Eventually her breathing normalized and Bucky started his next step.  
“I know you’re scared. That's nothing bad. You can be scared, that’s okay.”  
Sarah just nodded.  
“Can we try something? Maybe that will help you that you’re not so scared anymore.”  
Sarah nodded again, but Bucky assumed that she wasn’t at all okay with trying things, but he would have to take this chance. Giving up now would mean all future plans failing. 

He had already taken off his socks and rolled up the legs of his pants a little, then Bucky turned around and put his naked feet into the tub. He also turned Sarah around, but as soon as he touched her, the little girl began to cry.  
“I promise I’ll hold you. You won’t fall,” Bucky said evenly, even though he was in almost physical pain at hearing Sarah cry. He turned on the water then and Sarah only cried more, but Bucky clenched his teeth and went ahead.  
When there was only a little bit of water in the tub, Bucky reached out to turn the faucet off again. He waited until Sarah could take deeper breaths again and then handed her one of the toys waiting idly in a basket next to the tub. Steve had bought them a while ago but never even tried to use them.  
“See, it’s a ducky. Remember when we go watch duckies at the pond by the playground? Can you drop the ducky onto the water for me?”  
Sarah’s hand shook so much when she reached out for the toy, but she grasped it and dropped it down into the tub. 

Bucky wasn’t an expert in these things, not by far, but he’d had his fair share of experience with fear, so he wanted to make sure Sarah had an easier time seeing the water level. And with toys swimming on top she would always be able to estimate how deep the water was.  
“Good job, thank you. Another one, please?”  
They continued until the whole ducky family of five was swimming in the tub, bobbing around slightly. 

Bucky gave both of them a moment to breathe before he picked Sarah up.  
“I’ll hold you, I’ll hold you, I promise. Nothing bad will happen,” Bucky said quietly, setting Sarah to her feet in the tub. At one point throughout the day she always ended up taking off her socks, and in the evenings she was usually barefoot – maybe this was something she was used to, Bucky mused, because he thought it likely that she only got adequate clothes once she was rescued. 

She yelped and cried terribly, shaking all over and clutching Bucky’s hands.  
“Please, please,” she whimpered but Bucky forced himself to stay calm.  
“It’s okay, the water’s still low, see? Look at the duckies.”  
She hiccuped and whimpered, but looked down at the toys still floating around her.  
“The duckies are just by your feet. There’s not gonna be more water than that.”  
Bucky let his words sink in, knowing that panic could hinder understanding quite a bit. When he was sure Sarah had processed everything, he spoke up again.  
“Can you take a big breath for me like we practiced? Do it with me, yeah?”  
They breathed together, just like Bucky had taught her to do whenever she got so scared that she felt like she couldn’t breathe, and finally Sarah stopped crying, only hiccuping every now and then.  
“You're doing so well. Look, I want you to see this,” Bucky said then, taking Sarah's shaking hand in his and putting it onto the button that held the plug inside the tub.  
“Push the button. All the water's gonna go away.”  
Sarah sobbed, but did as she was told, the silver plug releasing and the water gurgling down the drain. Bucky reached in and took the plug out, placing it into Sarah’s hands.  
“See, when this is out, the water's gonna go down the drain and go away. It's not gonna stay, see?”  
He turned on the water again and Sarah jumped, but stared at the drain.  
“Is go 'way,” she whispered, her words a lot more slurred now that she was so scared.  
“Yeah. There won't be any water in the tub when this is out. Do you understand that?”  
Sarah nodded, finally calming down, and Bucky felt like he'd just achieved a miracle.  
“Baby, can we try something tomorrow? Can you stand here and I wash you? You can hold this, and the water will go away fast. I'll just wash you like in the shower. Would that be okay?”  
It took Sarah a long time to answer, staring at the metal in her hand. Eventually she nodded and Bucky wrapped Sarah up in an embrace and kissed her head like he’d wanted all evening.  
“I know you remember the bad place and what the people did to you. I do, too. I remember my bad place too, a lot. But it’s not here. It’ll never be here. We’re all safe here. Do you understand that?”  
“Yes,” Sarah sniffed into his shoulder and her little hands pulled on the fabric of his shirt with how much she was holding onto him. 

***

Sarah was understandably tired that evening, so they had dinner at the coffee table and then curled up on the sofa with a few episodes of her new favourite show. Bucky let her sleep in the bedroom with him right away, wanting to fend off any bad dreams. He woke up several times throughout the night to check on Sarah, but she slept peacefully holding onto his left hand as usual.  
They were both woken up by Bucky's phone playing some soft piano tunes, Bucky rolling over to his back with a sigh and Sarah rubbing her eyes and yawning. 

“Good morning, my love,” Bucky said, ruffling her hair that stuck out in all directions around her head. Sarah smiled sleepily and smoothed her hair back down, holding onto his wrist.  
“Morn'n, Bucky.”

“Baby, how do you feel today? In here?” Bucky asked, pointing to Sarah's chest.  
“Okay. I … yes'day ...”  
“Yeah, yesterday was scary, huh?”  
“Yeah.”  
Bucky was glad that she said it so calmly and didn't seem to be angry at him. He had always guessed she was very smart, it just didn't show through a bubbly, outgoing personality like it did with Bea.  
“But … do you understand … why we did that?”  
“Yeah. I … I no scared n'y'more.”  
“That's right, so that you're not scared anymore.”  
“Bucky, I ...” she began and huffed like she did when she was at a loss for words. Bucky gave her some time, letting her run her fingers over the ridges between the metal plates of his hand and wrist. “I dunno … yes'day I dunno wif water go 'way. I dunno.”  
“Oh, you didn't know, yeah,” Bucky said when he managed to make sense of her sentence. “That's okay, that's why I wanted to show you. Do you wanna try standing in the tub tonight for bathtime?”  
“Yeah. But I hold thingy, please.”  
“Yes, you can hold it, I promise. It's not gonna be scary anymore.”  
“Okay.”

Bucky was happy to hear her say that, but there was something else on his mind still.  
“Baby, you said yesterday, that you can’t tell me why it scared you, remember? Can you tell me now?”  
Sarah cast her eyes down, quickly wiping away a tear rolling down her cheek. Bucky slowly reached out and closed his fingers around her hand, holding her softly.  
“You know, when I was ... at that scary place ... those bad people threw water at me ... into my face, and it was cold and scary ... and they ...” he gulped back his own fear and continued in a softer tone. “And they dunked my head under the water, I didn't like that.”  
Sarah had started shaking and Bucky pulled her into his arms, protecting her from the bad memories.  
“They do ... the bad people ... he doc-tah ... put me in water ...” Sarah sniffled against his chest and Bucky hummed to show he was listening to her. “I scared, Bucky ... so scary ... it hurt ... is so loud ...”  
Bucky stared vacantly at a spot on the wall, his brain automatically making sense of Sarah’s words. Just water wouldn’t prompt her to say it hurt, it would maybe make her say her head felt funny when she ran out of oxygen, but the pain and noise... the only conclusion to that was electric shocks. Those bastards had tried to prompt her mutation or the healing factor by submerging her in water and shocking her. 

He let Sarah cry it out on his shoulder, and when she calmed again, he gave her some water from a bottle next to the bed and wiped her tears.  
“But yesterday it didn’t hurt, did it?”  
“No.”  
“And it’s not going to hurt, ever, okay? And you only have to stand or sit in the tub, okay?”  
“Yeah. That okay.”  
“Good,” Bucky hummed, kissing her forehead and lifting her into his arms again to get up. “Do you feel better now? I always feel better when I can talk about scary things.”  
“I feel better. Is good when talk,” she said, burying his face in his neck and staying like this for the whole time it took Bucky to make them breakfast. 

 

Of course she was crying again in the evening, but she let Bucky set her down in the tub and showered her. He made bathtime as quickly as possible and let Sarah cry it out in his arms when they were done. It was a huge step for her and Bucky did feel a sting of guilt when he realized Steve had not been part of that. But it was ultimately better like this. After this first step in the right direction, Steve could be with her again, both Sarah's parents could support her in this because now she had the positive experience making her confident enough to want to try.  
“Are you okay?” he asked quietly, doing his best to sound calm as he dried Sarah off with a towel. Truthfully he was a bit shaken up, too, but he had to be stronger.  
“Yeah,” she croaked, her eyes puffy and red but her posture easy and maybe somewhat proud, hopefully of herself.  
“Baby, can … I want you to answer me very honest now, okay? Do you think I'm mean to you?”  
Sarah looked up, eyes a little wider than before, but in surprise and not in shock.  
“No,” she said and shook her head minutely. “No, Bucky's no meanie. Pwomiss. No mean, just … Bucky help? Help wi' … wi' fings he know?”  
“Yeah, I want to help you because I know how you feel. Because felt the same.”  
Sarah nodded again, letting Bucky rub the towel over her hair. When he helped her into a nighty she searched his gaze again.  
“Bucky?”  
“Yeah?”  
“I … no mo' scared? Soon? Fo' eva?”  
Bucky's heart ached at her quiet, hopeful voice. This beautiful, frail little soul had to endure so much in just this short lifetime. His eyes stung with tears that he quickly blinked away as he hugged Sarah close.  
“It's gonna take some time, okay? We gotta be patient, but it’s going to get better.”  
Sarah was quiet, holding onto Bucky and sniffling into his shirt.  
“I’m still scared, sometimes,” Bucky confessed. “But it’s better now because I have you and Steve and auntie Nat. It’s okay to be scared here, because we’ll always be safe here.”  
“Okay.”

Bucky didn't even ask her to go to her own bed that night, just snuggling up with a book next to her and waiting for her to fall asleep in the dim light. When he finished her story, Bucky tucked her in and Sarah held onto his hand for a moment.  
“Bucky?”  
“Yeah?”  
Her brows furrowed and she spoke slowly, making an effort to get her words right.  
“Can … we … tell Steeb?”  
“Tell him what?”  
“'bout baff-time? 'bout water go 'way 'n … and I no mo' scared?”  
“Oh, of course we'll tell him. You can tell him how brave you were and how well you did with trying new things. He'll be so happy for you.”

“I wan’ twy, okay? No mo’ be scared.”  
“Okay, we’ll try. We’re trying with you, Steve and I.”  
“Thank you,” Sarah whispered and closed her eyes. Bucky watched her until he drifted off to sleep himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters here and then we'll finally meet Wade and Peter again ;)  
> See you again next Thursday <3

**Author's Note:**

> I have a Tumblr, [ follow me ](http://lunarogersofficial.tumblr.com/) if you like :D
> 
> This story will be updated on Thursday, Sep. 29


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